I (27M) want to break up but he (37M) is so nice, how do I end it when he thinks its all going so well?
Firstly, I'm bisexual but definitely like guys a lot more. I've never been in a relationship before this. I've also not come out to my family, and am just terrified of the thought of them finding out (my mum's side are Muslim and my parents have previously said homophobic things which has also put me off coming out to them)
I met this guy about 5 months ago on a dating app where you just match and then meet and can't chat before the date.
The last time I went on a date with anyone was 2 years before this, and he was the furthest I had ever got with anyone (we were seeing each other for 2 months) and I had feelings for him that I had never felt for anyone before, I would genuinely be so excited to see him and we always had an amazing time together. Then he decided to end it by saying he didn't think he was ready for a relationship.
I stopped going on dating apps for nearly 2 years because I was still living at home and I just wanted to get my life sorted. Then I ended up moving into a flat on my own, and felt so much more independent, so thought I was ready to start going on dating apps again. I thought it would be easier because of this, but I was wrong.
With the guy I'm seeing now, we had a very good time on the first date although it wasn't on the level of the last guy I was seeing, but he was really nice and we got on well. I told him that I still hadn't come out and he was OK with that.
Then we ended up seeing each other every week (each time was getting much better at how much I was enjoying seeing him) until Valentine's Day when he asked me to be his boyfriend. I was so surprised that he asked (probably shouldn't have been surprised) and I basically panicked and said yes (I was thinking, I couldn't possibly say no on Valentine's Day). At 27 I'd basically accepted that I would never have a relationship so I think that's why I was unprepared for this. At this point I was thinking, what if my parents found out?
Every time he wants to take a picture together it makes me nervous, and when we go somewhere in my home town (he lives an hour away from me) I'm worried that my parents or someone I know will spot us. Every time he tells me he's told one of his friends or family about me, I just feel awful, because while he's happy telling people, I'm keeping him a secret from people.
The time we met after Valentine's Day I did mention it to him that I was having these feelings (and I had thought this would be the time I'd end things), but he insisted he was OK with me keeping him a secret and that he would never post any pictures of us online. I was trying to say I didn't think I could carry this on but he basically was just like, what's the problem if we just keep it a secret?
Now, more than 3 months since then, we've still seeing each other every week or two and although we always have a good time, I still have this in the back of my mind that I just don't want to carry on anymore.
I've wanted to end things when we're meeting in person but I never find the time because we're always having a good time because he has always organised something to do, or we've met with his friends or family. I can't just blurt it out that I want to end things. But I don't want to do it by text because I feel like that would be shit and not fair on him. We also have really good flowing text conversations, which I've never really had with anyone before. Every time we meet I think "right, I'm going to tell him this" but then I never do.
It weirdly feels like I've accidentally got into this relationship and it also doesn't feel like I have a boyfriend because half the time I'm pretending that I don't.
One day I would like to come out, but I don't want to make myself feel rushed. And although he's a really nice person (I actually wish he was a friend not a boyfriend because we do get on really well), he's not the one I'd want to come out for (the guy I was seeing 2 years ago however, I was beginning to feel like he'd be worth coming out for).
Its been 5 months now and I feel like its gone on way longer than it should've. I just feel so overwhelmed because he's quite full on with organising when we're next meeting (we live an hour away from each other, he drives, but I don't so I take the train to see him). It's so difficult because he has such a big heart, he is genuinely such a nice and thoughtful person and I feel awful about what this will do to him. I feel like the longer it goes on, the harder it will get (I never thought it'd get to 5 months).
He's also never been in a relationship, and it feels like as he's in his late 30s and all his friends have been in long-term relationships for 10+ years, he's just glad he's no longer the only single one in his friendship group.
It's becoming tiring lying and hiding this all from my mum and dad, especially when they ask what I did on the weekend or when making an excuse why I can't visit them on a weekend. I just want to go back to when I didn't have to constantly be paranoid about if they find out.
I don't feel anywhere near adequate enough to be in a relationship at this point in time.
What would your advice be on going about ending this relationship? I'll see him in person tomorrow/Sunday, should I say something even though he's organised for us to meet his sister for afternoon tea on Sunday?
The sooner you break up, the better. If you feel like you can't do it on any dates he plans, then you need to plan a date. Make sure it's clear it's just for the two of you. Something simple and semi-private, like meeting at a park. Think about it this way: you've known you need to break up with him for months. Imagine having to tell him that. "Oh hey, even though I let this go on fro three years, I've actually just been dating you because you're nice and I pitied you, but I've actually wanted to break up this entire time." Yes, breaking up is hard, even when you want to break up, but imagine his reaction to finding out you were just dating him because you felt bad and not because you wanted to be. Now that would be hard and that would hurt. The longer you wait to do this, the harder it gets. Rip the band-aid off. It sucks, but you will both survive it, and it will ultimately be for the best so that you can both go onto something enthusiastic and consensual (including being single). Good luck, and I hope you're able to accept yourself and live authentically one day soon.
