#trust issues

i cant even trust anyone with my words because i know in the future just as SOON small drama unravels about me they will leak EVERY word i said. i overthink every message i say.

i will cling onto anyone who has shown me even just one sentence of appreciation or at least one dm reassuring they love me. i wont let go even if they ruined me till suicidal tendencies. i will follow like a dog.

To say I was stunned was an understatement. It was uncalled for, especially coming from my own bestfriend who I have gone through so many things together with. It was so offensive that I started laughing and get heated simultaneously.

It was supposed to be a normal group video call where we planned on our next outing together. There were three people in the call; me, Beatrice and Elijah. We were laughing and joking as we always do, before Elijah suggested on doing two things I don’t like doing; watching gore movies and karaoke.

The group has been made aware recently that I don’t like doing these things because gore movies nauseated me and karaoke is a burst in my wallet that I do not enjoy. I made these facts especially clear to Beatrice because she is the most defensive member of our group who would always corners another member if she doesn’t get her way.

And it so happens that I’m always the member that gets cornered.

I told them I didn’t want to do those things, and if Elijah wanted to do them, she can do them after our three-member outing with Beatrice. I don’t mind, I emphasized. Beatrice however, felt the rejection inadequate. She started asking me what was the real reason behind my decline, as if I need another reason?

I answered her honestly, I said I don’t like doing them. That was her peak.

“Why can’t you sacrifice?” her question rang in my ears.

She started ranting how throughout our friendship, she had sacrificed so much for me by doing things that I like although she didn’t particularly like them. It was so bizzare to sit and listen because her argument implied that I was the worthless friends who never reciprocated or acknowledged her efforts. When in my POV, I have always tried to do it constantly.

Bewildered by the audacity of her entitlement over my boundaries as a person with feelings and thoughts, I fought back for myself. I started going over what I sacrificed for her— even though upon reflection, the list sounds ridiculous because none of them are actual life-threatening sacrifices— since I didn’t want to give in.

It was the first time I stood up for myself, started drawing boundaries over what I want and don’t want to do, even with friends. Particularly, with friends, and this is how they responded? I’m disappointed.

It was even more devastating because immediately when I started defending myself, she was vehement on tearing it down and rebuked my contributions.

“If you didn’t like it so much, why are you happy while doing it back then?”

“See even when I do it, I wasn’t enjoying it as much as you do.”

“I did it more.”

At that point, I couldn’t help but started laughing. It’s not a discussion, it’s pure attack. Towards your own bestfriend. It made me question our whole friendship, from the moment we know each other up until now. She has always been keeping score, even though she said she didn’t care before.

Now all of a sudden she wanted to weigh out our sacrifices, ultimately telling me to my face that my value has a chance of being lesser than hers because I didn’t sacrifice as much. What’s the point of the friendship anymore?

To her, your value is tied to what and how much you can bring to the table.

And to her, I bring nothing as much or important as her.

It made me feel like I have to be more vigilant if I want to stay in this friendship. I have to record what I did, when I did it and why I did it just to build a strong defense in case I need it.

It made me think, is that the kind of friendship I want?

Since then, I have avoided all contacts, texts and calls. Beatrice may think there is nothing between us, or unsurprisingly know something is up, but whatever it is, I’m taking some time to reflect on why I feel this way.

I don’t think of dissolving the friend group, oh no, but I do think of drawing a bigger distance between us. Like, afterwards, both of them— yes, even Elijah— will never catch me asking them to do things that I enjoy but know they don’t. I will not ask them to participate in anything I like anymore because I don’t want them to bring it up like a dark past or honourable sacrifice in the future.

It is disheartening but I have to. I want to protect my boundaries, friends or foes.