#cluster b

Like as texting this long ass text in response I wrote a part about being annoyed and uncomfortable when other ppl show emotion and my moms text was emotionally like Empathetically responding to my long day and I looked at it was wanted to claw my eyes out???? And now going over the amount of times Ive manipulative for no reason. Like why do I feel the need to change a single detail when I’m talking to someone? Like I had chocolate ice cream but I told them I had cookie dough ice cream cause I think they’d like me better for that answer cause they like cookie dough ice cream usually with a follow up like we should go get ice cream. Like is that bpd cause I’ve been diagnosed as borderline my entire life. I’m having an identity crisis. I looked up bpd I relation to low empathy and everything was saying ppl with bpd actually experience like Hyper amounts of empathy but just have poor emotional regulation—which I have always had poor emotional regulation so idk—been in therapy my entire life. My mom says I was an interesting 3 yr old to deal with. I don’t know what that means. Apparently idk what anything means. All I know is I responded to a text about grief with oh yea I threatened my mom that I was gonna kms if she didn’t do something I wanted her to which I have zero memory of shrug ig and how I was probably manic out my ass cause I remember feeling giddy and high while I was saying it to her. I poorly timed the comment in the text that I had felt powerful when I told my mom that and felt like it was some kind of hubris or narcissistic thought at the time that I didn’t understand and don’t. Poorly timed bc this friend is processing the fact that she thought someone was a friend and has now realized that this person likely is diagnosably npd who frequently has delusions of grandeur such as being there when they found osama bin laden and a ton of other stuff. And this guy threatened to k* her and himself—within the last few days.

All the while I’m just embarrassed about it. And feel kind of stupid. Idefk rn. It’s late I’m trying to decide if I’m still going to dye my hair tn. Make it make sense.