Nov 10, 2025
500 notes and i'll end myself finally
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500 notes and i'll end myself finally
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Got close enough to death last night that my brain released dmt, I had beautiful closed eye hallucinations and was completely conscious as I described them to someone.
uuuUUUUUUuuugh. still alive for now, unfortunately. thing i was living for is still on the table. its gonna be partially destroyed though so im still deliberating if its worth it to continue. my boss was also being flagrantly wildly over the line inappropriate with me (like delusionally professing love and being rude presumptive and entitled and mean) and although i got him to stop it has totally killed my work focus and enjoyment in the project but if i quit i will lose out on a TON of money and opportunities that i wont get any other way due to my disabilities and i wont be able to achieve my plans.
almost got doxxed and cops were looking for me which interrupted my plan of taking a long time to calm down and be happy first. so i prob wont discuss this further on here. if i ever stop posting for a long time yall will know why.
im going to be forced through yet another completely unnecessary loss for yet another completely avoidable stupid fucking reason i need to be shot in my sleep and if anyone did it i would be eternally grateful this is not a joke this is not exaggeration being shot in my sleep now would be the best outcome possible for me from this point onward.
might even give up on my plan actually, the pain is too intense and im breaking down, not even hysterical, but the pain of feeling like im about to have a heart attack from grief every waking minute for years now, i just cant keep on working. im slowing down and im so tired.
If you find your dream woman would that deter you from commiting suicide? I feel sad reading that you want to die even though I'm suicidal myself and have one attempt (I was saved from almost dying just like you at the last moment)
honestly, my dream woman would commit suicide with me. not gonna actually seek that out though because thatd be very dangerous. (there are a lot of male catfishers who rape/kill/abuse suicidal women who are seeking out a double or group suicide.) and at this point i dont think i could become attached to anybody enough to want them to be a part of my exit. ive accepted that i will live and die alone since i was an early teen.
the main thing driving my suicidal ideation is that my life has and will continue to harm the lives of others, and others are suffering around me all the time. this is a living biosphere of agony and down the smallest level trillions of living beings are suffering. as a result i just dont enjoy being here, it is disturbing and not something i can or will have positive feelings for. t being in a loving relationship with someone would ease MY suffering a ton but not stop me from wanting to be dead because i dont condone this world and all the agony in it and i cant feel positively about any action i take here knowing it will harm others. im only still here because i am doing something to prevent suffering. and i cant even be certain if im preventing more than im causing, so i dont consider it a good reason.
dont feel sad about my wanting/eventual death, because its good to be looking forward to something that will happen regardless. be sad for my existence which is/was so disturbing from my peaceful nonexistence. it is a good thing that it will eventually be over. be sad for all the lives that were hurt by me.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming
Not trying to be funny but do you think you'll make it to 30?
unfortunately it looks like i might have to wait til then to finish what i wanted to do before i exit. if im lucky and things go JUST right, 29.
so angry, every day, that i was resuscitated against my will at 22. and angry again that i cant do it this year, the year i planned to be dead for sure by when i was a kid.
ill still be the same person, im just going to have to do more time in this hell. what im most worried about is the harm my life will cause to others. i am just hoping to the sky that what im doing will prevent more harm overall.
π«
π« end of line tired. hug until we die.
(disclaimer that this is not a vegan stance. the philosophy of veganism endorses animal exploitation for necessary medications. this post is not for the purpose of vegan debate, but journalling.)
id rather just kms if i get severely sick and need meds made from farmed animals. ill never know love or friendship because i cant and wont stand even the staunchest antispeciesists who accept the farming and murder of the weak to perpetuate their lives.
if child exploitation cured all cancer id still fucking refuse it. and for those who think im full of shit, you really dont know me. id already be dead if not for being resuscitated against my will from heart death. i will tolerate any pain or discomfort, or ill choose death. give me an exploitation free existence or GIVE ME DEATH.
i always have to be anxious, because the smallest thing could lead to me ending up in a state where id kms. but i dont care. fuck this world to hell any way, i never wanted to be a part of this shit.
my only regrets are that i wish i felt this way sooner and i wish i knew someone like me who i could lean on while we live this pointless curse of life, waiting around to die. If anyone reading this relates, PLEASE reach out and dm me. Id appreciate it a lot.