Jesus screamed “JESUS CHRIST YOU STABBED ME”.

Since that Jesus had to be taken down due to a bad case of stab-itis, the backup Jesus came in, but he weighed significantly less than the original Jesus- which would have been fine, except that at the end the cross was supposed to ascend upwards with Jesus on it, and the weights hadn’t been adjusted.

my first year doing this, our industry contacts were 1 actor, 1 casting director, and 1 producer to get different aspects of the business, and they all gave us amazing advice and told fantastic stories. the actor in question was Zazu on Broadway’s The Lion King for several years, and told the best story by far.

in The Lion King, there are only two pieces of pre-recorded noise in the whole show. one, when Pumbaa does a MASSIVE fart while fighting the hyenas, and the other being Mufasa saying REMEMBERRRRRR as Simba climbs Pride Rock. the actor told us while struggling not to laugh that, during one night’s performance, someone forgot to flip the tape of these pre-recorded noises.

so, at the end of the show, the great climax where Simba finally accepts his place in the Circle of Life, the heavens parted and-

PFFFFFFFFFRRRRRBTFTBTBFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

everyone froze. and then all ran off stage positively HOWLING with laughter.

Originally, the actors were going to stroll on stage with our Lefou hauling in the really neat (and real!) taxidermied deer head that we had found in a local thrift store. Now, two days before opening night, our director wants Lefou to run in from off stage and catch a stuffed duck that Gaston has just shot. This, of course, requires two things to work properly as a scene: a gunshot noise, and a stuffed duck.

The gunshot noise, we had covered. Blue-collar, redneck school? Guns a plenty to record. The stuffed duck? Harder than you might have thought to obtain.

Three hunting stores, two taxidermists, and one Pet Supply Store ™, I’d finally found a semi-realistic pheasant squeaky toy. What follows is an account of the ways this dog toy managed to be the nightmare prop of the six show run.

Opening Night: The stagehand, who was supposed to drop the bird from the ceiling catwalk, missed his cue and didn’t drop the it. Lefou’s actor rolls with it and does an excellent job of looking around foolishly before getting cuffed upside the head by Gaston. The stagehand then drops the bird squarely on Gaston’s head. Cue laughter.

Saturday Matinee: Different stagehand throws the bird instead of dropping it and beans Lefou directly in the face with the prop. Lefou falls over. Cue laughter.

Saturday Night: Bird is missing during curtain call. Director hauls the deer head down from it’s place on the tavern wall and tells Gaston and Lefou to revert to the old blocking i.e. no gunshot, no bird, just walk in with trophy. During Gaston and Lefou’s conversation, gun shot sound goes off and a stagehand throws the bird onto the stage…from the wrong side of the stage. Lefou and Gaston stare at it in awkward silence for a solid thirty seconds before Lefou makes off-script, subtle joke about Gaston’s gun going off late instead of early. Cue adults in the audience laughing.

Sunday Matinee: Director begs the stagehands to get the cue right at least once. Gunshot and bird prop go off without a hitch. Lefou accidentally catches the prop when it falls from the catwalk. He’s so startled that he caught it that Gaston runs right in to him. They drop both the gun and the bird props, and grab the wrong prop in their scramble. Gaston spends the rest of the scene gesturing dramatically with a stuffed pheasant, instead of a gun.

Sunday Night:  Director is fed up with bird prop, decides that Lefou should just carry bird prop in after gunshot happens off stage. Lefou accidentally squeezes the prop during the intro conversation, startling both actors into silence with the squeaky toy noise - apparently, neither of them realized it was a dog toy.

It was awesome because when people saw the play and didn’t know the girls were identical twins, it literally looked like it was one actor doing multiple, uber fast costume changes.

One of our first performances was for our peers and it was a big school so lots of people didn’t know the twins. This - for some reason - was also the performance they chose to record.

Listening to the confusion of the audience during the playback was fantastic and completely topped by the moment Viola walked off stage left just as Sebastian walked on stage right and someone right beside the camera goes “OH WHAT THE FUCK” so loudly it drowned out everything else.

It’s like our third show and everything has been going surprisingly well. Hook and Smee climb to the top of the “tree trunk”, supposedly looking for Peter and not knowing they’re standing above his hiding spot the whole time.

Turns out someone didn’t close the trapdoor properly, because the second Hook steps on it, he plunges through the thing. He’s able to catch himself, but he’s got his ass and one leg dangling through this hole where it’s like a ten foot drop to the ground. All of us stage crew are literally two feet away from him offstage, just gaping at him because???? Y'all this fall looked BAD. Looked like my dude did the splits in mid air. The whiplash caused his fucking wig to come off. The audience is dead silent, all of us backstage are dead silent, the director is like already looking up how to treat a broken groin.

Happy Women’s Day ✊

These little guys are called Pikas, and they live in the mountains around where I am in Washington State (and other places too, obviously, but I’ve only really *seen* them here), and in these pics they are actually collecting certain types of plants during the rest of the year that they Only Eat In Winter.

Why do they collect food for winter from species that they don’t like to eat the rest of the year? Because these plants have Tannins and other stuff in them that make them taste bad/possibly even make them toxic when the Pikas eat them Fresh… so the lil guys have figured out how to store them in special little chambers in their burrows, and to let the plants *ferment* all year, like we do with dairy products or alcohol! So by the time winter rolls around, all the gross tannins and stuff have broken down from fermenting all year, and the Pikas can live on their stores of delicious home-brewed snacks all through the winter until the better-fresh stuff grows back in the spring!

“Thank you for this incredibly stressful 30 minutes that I have had to re-structure my entire day around and which will give me anxiety poos for the next 24 hours.”

My books:

WOMAN (angrily) They’re marigolds!

MAN 2 God! I think she’s right! They are marigolds!

The man in the red cardigan in the clip was played by Michael Greer, who was openly gay himself - unusual for the time. He actually worked closely with the director and rewrote much of the film’s dialogue to reduce the homophobia and make it more realistic. As a result it’s quite progressive for its time, having a gay character, played by a gay man, living in a happy same-sex relationship, which is more than a lot of media offers us today.

The twist is that even after the pair is caught, they are not inducted into the military. The Army investigators assigned to watch them are themselves gay and are trying to keep straight people out of the Army.

I’ve tried, tried, tried And I’ve tried even more  I’ve Cried, Cried, Cried And I can’t recall what for I’ve pressed, I’ve pushed, I’ve yelled, I’ve begged In hope of some success  But the inevitable fact is that It never will impress 

I’ve no more fucks to give,   My fucks have runneth dry,  I’ve tried to go fuck shopping  But there’s no fucks left to buy  I’ve no more fucks to give,  Though more fucks I’ve tried to get,  I’m over my fuck budget and I’m now in fucking debt 

I strive, strive, strive  To get everything done  I’ve played by all the rules But I’ve very rarely won, I’ve smiled, I’ve charmed, I’ve wooed I’ve laughed, Alas to no avail I’ve run round like a moron, To unequivocally fail!

I’ve no more fucks to give, My fuck fuse has just blown, I’ve been hunting for my fucks all day, But they’ve upped and fucked off home, I’ve no more fucks to give, My fuck rations are depleted, I’ve rallied my fuck army but It’s been fucking defeated! 

The effort has just not been worth The time or the expense I’ve exhausted all my energy  For minimal recompense The complete lack of acknowledgement  Has now begun to gall And I’ve come to realise that I  Don’t give a fuck at all!

I’ve no more fucks to give, My fucks have flown away, My fucks are now so fucked off They’ve refused to fucking stay! I’ve no more fucks to give, My fucks have gone insane They’ve come back round and passed me While they’re fucking off again!

I’ve no more fucks to give, My fucks have all dissolved, I’ve planned many projects But my fucks won’t be involved! I’ve no more fucks to give, My fucks have all been spent, They’ve fucked off from the building And I don’t know where they went!