BACON + CHEESE

 (This happened during downtime as sort of an interview-slash-session-zero for a new player to replace a player who’d dropped out.  The new character is an elf cleric whose backstory has him running an apothecary on the side, specializing in reviving the dead.  There were dice rolls involved, but I was not privy to any of them since this was all done on Discord.  The whole party was listening, but the rest of us had our mics muted.  All kibitzing was done in the OOC text channel, but I’m omitting that here since neither participant was reading it at the time.)

DM:  You see what appears to be a construct approaching.  *Dice roll.*  I’m just going to go ahead and give you that it’s an Inevitable.

Cleric:  Marut, I’m guessing?

 (Note:  Inevitables are construct outsiders who are built to enforce universal laws; Maruts specialize in dealing with people who cheat death.)

DM:  Very good.  Do you try to run or attack?

Cleric:  Nah, I’m good.  I wait for it to approach.

DM:  *Raises a brow.*  Alright, then.  *Clears his throat and does a creditable Michael Dorn impression for the Marut’s voice.*  “You are Taviel Andaris.”  Statement, not question, by the way.

Cleric:  “I am.  What brings… I would ask what brings you to my apothecary, but I think I already know.”

DM:  “If you expect the charges against you, then you already know of your crime.  You stand accused of denying death its due.  To date you have resurrected four hundred and seventeen people…”

Cleric:  “Um, four hundred twenty-two.  It was a busy week last week.”

DM:  *Without missing a beat.* “…Four hundred and twenty-two people.  My programming is to stop this from happening again.  Your options…”

Cleric:  “Defying death?  Um.  Not guilty, actually.”  Not rolling a bluff check, I’m not bluffing.

DM:  Fine by me, I’m still rolling sense motive.  *Dice roll.*  The Marut looks profoundly dubious.  “You not only confessed to your crime, you corrected my outdated count.  You have already admitted guilt.”

Cleric:  “I did no such thing.  Yes, I specialize in resurrections; no, I am not guilty of keeping anyone from the grave.”

DM:  …I think I see where you’re going with this, but the Marut won’t.  “Your arguments are irrreconcilable.  My programming is to stop this from happening again.  Your options are to accept a geas or to be destroyed.”

Cleric:  “If you wish to place a geas on me to prevent me from, as you phrased it, denying death its due, then you are welcome to do so.  It will not affect my business or business practices.”

DM:  The Marut looks sort of bemused.  “You do understand what a geas is, correct?”

Cleric:  “I can cast them, myself — and break them.  I would not need to break yours to continue my business.”

DM:  *Dice roll, snort.*  It’s not happy with that answer.

Cleric:  *Laughs!* I can make it a lot unhappier, but I’m not set up for this kind of a one-on-one fight.  “Let me explain myself.  How much do you know about my business besides the resurrection count?”

DM:  *Dice roll.*  It scowls at you.  “I will allow this, but be brief.”

Cleric:  “Let me rephrase that question, actually:  How many people have I granted immortality?”

DM:  *Snickers.* I stand corrected, that’s not where I thought you were going with this.  It doesn’t like that answer, but it doesn’t move.  “You have granted no one immortality.”

Cleric:  “And how many people have I brought back to life who were not killed by old age or disease?”

DM:  *Dice roll.*  It gives you a triumphant look at that.  “Three.”

Cleric:  Shit.  Um.  “Those were deliberately administered diseases with the intent of killing the victims, two from traps and one that was later successfully tried as a murder case.  They can not be considered natural deaths.”

DM:  Nice save!  *Dice roll.*  I’ll allow that.

Cleric:  Yes!

DM:  “Discounting that, you have resurrected no one who has died of natural causes.”

Cleric:  “Then how have I cheated death?  It’s natural and even more inevitable than you are.  I’ve only postponed it so that…”  What was that number again, anyway, four-twenty-two?

DM:  Uh, I think so, yeah; close enough.

Cleric:  “…So that four hundred twenty-two people could have a chance to finish lives that would otherwise have been cut short.  I firmly maintain my not-guilty plea.”  And I put my hands on my hips and glare up at it.

DM:  It glares right back at you.  “Your arguments are based on a technicality.”

Cleric:  *Defiantly.* “No.  Your charges are based on a technicality.  My clients will all die.  Eventually.  I cannot change that.”

DM:  *Dice roll.*  …Hm.  *Dice roll.  Snicker.*  Well, then.

Cleric:  What?

If everything was legal for like twenty-four hours I’d start a communal garden.

This is barely even hyperbole.

I would legit start a communal garden with whoever wanted to join me.

what if i cut off your left leg

would that make you stronger

would it

I did not find my husband in this way.

In rural France it is apparently Known that one brings one’s own shopping bags to the grocery store. I was a visitor and had not been briefed and had no shopping bag. I saw that other people were able to conduct negotiations to purchase shopping bags, but I could not remember the word for “bag.”

“Can I have a box that is not a box,” I said.

The checkout lady looked extremely tired and said, “Un sac?” (A sack?)

When I phoned my mom during week two I tried to tell her that it was a bit cold in the sleeping bag at night. I stumbled around the word in German because for the love of god, I could remember the Germwn word for sleeping bag.

“Yeah so, it’s like a bag you sleep in at night?”

“And my mother must probably have thought I lost my mind. She just sighed and was like ‘So, a Schlafsack, yes?”

That afternoon I met up with some friends and was talking about the new job, and the new office, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember the English word for pheasants. So I basically ended up bragging to my friends about “the very fancy chickens” we had outside the office.

She gets to Israel and is riding a bus for the very first time.

American: כמה ממון זה? (”How much money?” but in rather archaic language)

So in Biblical Hebrew the word for penis and weapon are the same. There is a verb meaning to arm, which modern Hebrew semanticly drifted into “fuck”: i.e. give someone your dick.

Except he doesn’t speak a lick of modern Greek, and the receptionist couldn’t speak English.  Or French.  Or German.  Or Italian.  (He tried all of them.)

Finally, in a fit of inspiration, he went upstairs and got his copy of Medea in the original Greek (you know, the stuff separated from modern Greek by two and a half thousand years).  He found the passage where Medea begs Jason to let her stay for one more day, went downstairs, and read it to the receptionist.

DM: roll a perception check

*nat 20*

*rolls a 1*

DM: roll a perception check

*rolls a 9*

DM: Roll an intimidation check.

*nat 20*

DM: Poseidon quivers before him!

DM: Inventor, roll a saving throw for intelligence.

*rolls a 1*

DM: The car’s not built for helium balloons!

journalist gets real yakuza members to play yakuza 3 and asks for their opinions on its authenticity

“What’s with all the fucking gaijin in this area?” “Dude, don’t say that, use gaikokujin, it’s nicer.” “Oh, shit, right. What’s with all the fucking gaikokujin in this area?”

“The breaded pork cutlet bento box is like mega power. More than ramen. That’s accurate.”

all of them start dragging kiryu for his shitty cheap shirt for five minutes

“Shooting people sends a message.” “So does shooting anything.”

it’s pretty much the best thing ever and here are some of my favorites so far

so good

I’m getting this one made into a motivational poster for my home office