Shit My Players Say

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“Rogue” is a thief. “Rouge” is makeup.

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Paladin: Okay, well mute yourself so you don’t interrupt the session.

DM: Damn

Cleric: *mutes*

Context: Party is talking to a ghost in a haunted mansion for a halloween special session. They’re asking about hide n seek. The cleric and the warlock are both nonverbal ooc, so they type. Everyone else talks.

Cleric, done with hide n seek from creepy children: I’m stealing your teeth and your spiders.

Ghost: You’re… stealing our… what? Please, do not-

Warlock: Ignore him.

Cleric: I have a jar of teet

Cleric, ooc: TEETH**** I MEANT TEETH

(entire call starts laughing for like ten seconds)

Snow-Rabbit (Rogue bard): Hey Pious! Found this for you *holds up an issue of Playgoblin*

Barbarian: This isn't drunk, this is blood loss!

---

Enemy Wizard: Counterspells it

Artificer: gets really upset

Tiefling ranger: Should we…do something?

Gnome rogue: Hold on, I want to see how this ends.

Sorceress: We have to stop the fire from spreading to other houses.  Is there a blanket or other big cloth we could wet and throw over it?

Paladin: Just me.

Druid: What?  What do you mean?

Me: Ok so how much is the goblin raft?

Dm: Go ask them

Me: Hey goblin, how much to go across the river?

Goblin: That's a bit rude, referring to someone by their race. I mean how would you like it if I said "hey human"?

Me: WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT TO THE GOBLIN also I'm only half human and I identify as a dragonborn which is quite obvious from my appearance

Warlock: Wait, are you being racist to the goblins?

Rogue: Gosh, I didn't pick you as the racist type

Me: ididntmeantosayittothegoblin

"This isn't ghost horses, this is the unfathomable void!" *slams door grumpily*

and, to be read in a reality game show host's affect,

Rogue: I’m gonna punch them in the stomach.

DM: ok, roll for it-

Rogue: 1.

DM: warlock, it does not help at all. In fact, it might be even MORE lodged in there, and now you feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach.

Warlock, ooc: someone dies tonight.

Cleric: Warlock, open your mouth realllly wide I have an idea.

*Cleric preceded to cast sacred flame down the warlock’s throat in hopes of using radiant damage to clear the ghost matter*

Cleric: I should roll for precision… and that’s a 5.

Cleric, ooc: Warlock I’m so sorry

DM: Hmm… Warlock, it feels like you’re eating raw judgement. Like that feeling of just shame. As if all your sins are being brought before you in your throat.

Monk, ooc: Like how when you ate a lot of food and your brain is like damn, fatass 

DM: yeah, like that. It doesn’t burn, but it feels like you’re on fire.

(long pause)

Cleric: … open reallly wide we’re gonna try again-