Big Goddamn Heroes

“Here’s a bandaid for ya,” I said, producing one from my vest pocket.

“Oh, he’s not bleeding, thank you though!”

I lowered my voice and leaned in. “Kids think bandaids are health magic,” I said. “Ask him where it hurts and exploit that placebo effect.”

She did just that, and instantly the kid stopped crying and thanked her. “I’ll have to remember that,” she said.

Tell them their going to run out of tears so they drink the water.

I'm afraid they'll become engineers and sign off on bridge designs that collapse - and people will die.

I'm afraid they'll become medical professionals who don't know what they're doing - and people will die.

Most of them have run washing machines before, of course. A couple here and there, specifically the Maquis members, have hand washed. But almost all of them are very, very used to being able to replicate new uniforms when one gets damaged, and now, you’re kinda stuck with what you have. Everyone has to wash their uniforms, and more importantly, repair their uniforms.

Problem is, basically no one on board knows how to hand sew. Some of the Maquis members know how to fix stuff in a pinch, and a couple who are into old crafts do, but basically no one has. With one notable exception, of course.

Suddenly, home ec classes are being held. Tuvok is the main instructor. Neelix is, oftentimes, his assistant, generally because they’re held in the mess hall.

They both become the most dreaded part of everyone’s week, having their little stitch lines scrutinized by one and then complimented by the other. There’s tutorials on everything from how to patch up your uniforms to how to hand wash and properly dry them (Chakotay takes the place of Neelix for this one) to minor repairs on material goods in their quarters. Tuvok has many people come up to him over the course of their trip, holding out a beloved item from home in need of repair, and he takes the time to show them how to fix it.

Everyone who says not to set your stove clock or microwave clock because you won't use them and don't look at them anyway is lying.

Set them.

Because sometimes, you will come come from a week away when no one was in your home, and see the stove and microwave clocks blinking and go, "Oh shit, the power went out while I was gone, even though it's clearly back, which means every single thing in my fridge and freezer might have gotten room temperature and refrozen, and will give me food poisoning."

And it will be the only indication whatsoever not to eat it.

Put a glass full of water in the freezer. I use a shot glass to save space. Once the water is frozen, put a coin on top.

Okay. This was written for the @aromanceforthedragonages gift exchange for @threerattsinatrenchcoat. First of all, Special thanks to @foofyschmoofer for Beta-ing for me! Second, I know far too much about repeating crossbows now, and third, every single word was very deliberate to get the point across. Having one of the participants in these shenanigans not alive was a unique challenge and I'm happy to say I can add that to my smut writing bucket list and immediately cross it off :D. Also on AO3 if you prefer...

Varric takes time out of his busy schedule to give Bianca some much needed maintenance…

Varric hummed Bianca’s Song to himself as he puttered around his room, collecting a small length of cord, several bolts, four jars of varying size and a few tools, which to the untrained eye was just a bunch of junk, but to those closest to him, it was Bianca’s maintenance day. Every four weeks, like clockwork, he set aside a day just to pamper his best girl and give her his undivided attention—if he would devote the same energy and diligence to his writing, his publisher would be ecstatic. Hawke had walked in on them once upon a time and had immediately peeled out of the room, not wanting to interrupt such an…intimate moment—though that hadn’t stopped them from needling him about it every chance they got afterwards; constantly asking if they should leave him and Bianca alone. He didn’t see what the problem was; so what if he enjoyed maintaining her? Bianca was his baby, and he wanted to keep her in pristine condition, particularly after the cocking ring misalignment incident back in Kirkwall. His embarrassment that Sebastian had noticed it before he did, would not be replicated ever again.

Though Choir Boy was a fellow archer, so maybe he could cut himself a little slack—just not where Bianca’s maintenance was concerned. Especially since she’d been slow to fire in the field and he’d had a minor panic attack thinking his baby was done for—but then he noticed the worn string and dried rail lube. He really shouldn’t be surprised how often he fired her in the midst of the world saving endeavors he embarked upon on the regular, still joking that he was too old for this shit, and yet he did it anyways. And now Bianca needed a little tender love and care—she wasn’t as young and new as she once was. He ran his hand lovingly over every inch of the wood of her body, fingers tripping over a few deep scars, the reignited memories of all they’d been through together bringing a smile to his face as he made sure every nut and bolt was tight.

hawke: [leaning their head out of the door] mum says get off the steps, your legs are trip hazards

varric: dwarven legs excluded surely

merrill: she doesn’t like us? :(

isabela: of course she does kitten we’re decorative