Life And Shit

THIS CAT’S NAME IS FUCKING STARSCREAM

IM LOVING THIS SO MUCH

LETS GO GET SOME TATER TOTS!

I better see EVERYBODY reblogging this

It is with a heavy heart that I am forced to announce that I must disassemble my lawn chunks.

but what an incredible journey he had getting there

One thing I’ve learned in life, if you act really self-assured and confident you can pretty much get away with anything.

For example, I’ve watched someone walk on to a plane with no passport. Just walked right on.

Once walked out of a dude’s house with a pair of his pants slung over my shoulder. Did all the usual eye-contact, saying-goodbye movements and noises, just… while stealing his pants. He did not notice. 

I told my English teacher that she graded my final paper(I did not turn one in) and that she told me it was well written. She scrambled 3 days trying to find the nonexistent paper, then apologized to me for losing it and gave me a 96%. Confidence is key

my dad’s mate just walked out of a shop with a canoe and didn’t get questioned

Humans are like bees: if they sense you’re an intruder all hell will break loose, but if you get inside the hive they just assume you belong there. Be confident.

Bee confident

This is funny but also true, and a huge tip when traveling. Act like you belong, and you won’t be bothered like other tourists might. Especially on public transportation… do your research ahead of time and look like a disinterested commuter and you’ll blend right in.

Fun Fact about Bees: they use pheromones to communicate and the pheromone to signal ALARM is the same chemical that makes bananas smell like bananas so if you eat a banana and then breathe on a beehive you will regret it and this seemed relevant when i started writing it

Everyone who reblogs this post before October 31 2018 will get a jack o lantern version of their icon. Like mine!

Everyone who reblogs this post before October 31 2018 will get a jack o lantern version of their icon. Like mine!

!!

If this shit is fake I’m calling you out on it lmao

Am I wet? Am I on my period? Did I pee my pants?- next on wtf is going on down there.

I’m so glad this is a universal wondering among vagina-owners, haha.

‘Vagina-owners’

Tune in next time for: Are these menstrual cramps? Am I pregnant? Is it just gas? I wouldn’t have to ask these questions if I didn’t have a damn uterus

Next week: Is it a bladder infection? An ovarian cyst? Do I have endometriosis? Oh God please do not let it be cervical cancer! A 20/20 special

Y'all are forgetting the all-time classic: Is it just my period or is my appendix about to burst? Some nice tea and a heatpack or 911 and emergency surgery?

reblog for the safety of vaginas and their owners

The appendix test works with or without a vagina so reblogging for everyone.

I’m okay with Halloween starting now.

i pressed play and my cat fell off the windowsill :(

ITS TIME ITS TIME ITS T I M E

my body is ready 

THE COUNTDOWN HAS BEGUN, WHO’S READY TO GET SPOOPY!

let’s spread this again and again and again

In case anyone’s wondering is because getting an x ray once is so barely harmful that it rounds to zero but standing in front of an x ray emitter 40 hours a week for years will definitely kill you

If I go to the bar and have one drink with the bartender I’ll be fine. If the bartender has a drink with every patron then they will die

… I honestly never considered that. It seems so obvious but never crossed my mind. Thank you, twinkcommunist and iridepigs.

if you fuckers do the skeleton war shit again this year we’re deleting the website for real

Hm. I must say, I was very anti-sport before but after being on tumblr.com for a while I definitely identify with jocks. Unlike nerds, they’ve never made me read sherlock mpreg miscarriage on the Harry Potter train AU Masterposts. They only wanna kick their balls and take booty pics. I’m sorry i took u for granted, jocks

The jocks were only trying to protect us all this time

They pushed nerds into lockers when no one else did

Everyone who reblogs this post before October 31 2018 will get a jack o lantern version of their icon. Like mine!

white person: *eats chicken tikka masala once* i just…. i feel so connected… to indian culture …. I’m learning to speak islam…. check out my third eye….. chakra

Every time I see this. Every damn time. I’m immediately sucked back into my fuckin. Fuckin English lit class with Mr. Fuckass McShit. Mr. “Hit the gong to begin class”, “Namaste, Children”, “I wanna go backpacking in India to find my spiritual awakening and also my left burkinstock that I lost during a cedar sauna drum circle” ass bastard. “Do you want to share your poetry with the class to get in touch with your emotions” ass fucker. Mr. “Here’s a photograph of a tribal shaman, describe him using nature words” asshole. Pretentious-ass, condescending motherfucker. “Do you want to tell us about your saddest memory?” “I dunno, sir. Are you giving me an option?” “No.” “Then why are you asking” Every goddamn day. Fuck. “You seem tense.” Oh, I seem tense? I seem tense. Well fuck, Professor Pillsbury, maybe I ‘seem tense’ because I walk into a room on five hours of sleep to the sound of a goddamn brass gong drilling through my brain and your seven-foot-nine, socks-and-sandals-wearing, patchouli-smelling ass immediately gravitates in my direction with some shit like “a tree……… Is a Poem” and I gotta sit here and politely tell you that No I’m Not Comfortable Telling The Class About A Time I Was Emotionally Vulnerable With A Loved One using words that sound like the way the color yellow smells. Maybe I don’t wanna sit in a circle and hold hands with Brittney from Computer Sciences to “align our auras” or some shit. Fuck. Fuuuuuuck. I swear to God, if I wanted to sing ‘kumbaya’ with a smelly old guy with gross facial hair who writes bad porn on the side, I’d go out to the parking lot and share a Hookah with Crazy Dan, the disgraced electrician. What, I don’t wanna do an interpretive dance to represent the spiritual experience of eating Quinoa in a room full of ambivalent preteens and suddenly I’m the ‘troubled youth’ you need to Robin Williams “O Captain My Captain” your way into having a Paternal Bonding Moment powerful enough to Expand My Impressionable Young Mind and Turn My Life Around, you goddamn saint, you? Jesus Fucking Christ. You insufferable jackass. You’re not “Enlightened”, you rolled out of bed and ate half a pot brownie, wrote a sad song about a leaf, and strolled into class to ramble about your Spirit Animal for six hours straight before calling it a day. Holy Jesus goddamned Christ. Fucking Balls, sir. Holy Fucking Balls

Okay but I wanna know what Crazy Dan did to become a disgraced electrician

What a goddamn ride.

I’m losing my fucking mind.

oh my god

my favorite part is that the guys just go along with it in spite of confusion/misgivings because they don’t want to miss out on stickers.

My favorite post

This is surprisingly wholesome.

the power of stickers