The Phantom's Lair

“Because you learn everything Thomas doesn't want to think about and can use it against him,” Virgil accused.

“Bzzz. Wrong. I already know everything Thomas hates thinking about. Every thought that’s ever embarrassed or horrified him comes straight to me.” Remus laughed. “I mean, I could tell Nico what your hard limits are. And how you found them out. In detail.” Remus gave a grin that was just begging for the excuse.

“...I think we need to work on having a safeword between us.” Thomas glowered.

“Oooo.” Remus perked up. “Didn’t think you’d be into selfcest. I keep telling Roman, everyone wants to ride the mustache.”

“I meant for personal boundaries, you walking libido.” Thomas’s face was as red as the tomatoes Roman had been chopping. “If it makes this conversation end, fine. Nothing with humiliation or degradation.”

“Easy. Not the biggest fan of those myself,” Nico readily agreed.

“But they’re so fun. Right, Logie?”

“Still not going to spank you with a cricket bat while you wear a dunce cap, Remus,” Logan called in, not looking up from the book he was reading. Patton was sitting next to him, as red as Thomas.

“One day. Anyways, that’s not your only limits,” Remus said in a sing-song voice.

“That’s not my only limit in action. We’re not discussing actually doing them, we’re discussing sexy thoughts. Nico can think about the other things all he wants,” Thomas retorted.

Remus looked like he was about to argue, but pouted, realizing Thomas had a point. “Fine. Next point, hickies for science!”

“Remus!”

“Hey, it’s win-win. Either you help Patty-cakes figure out his power, or you get to keep a badge of Nico’s affection that everyone can see. There’s no losing.”

“Everything is losing,” Thomas muttered.

Virgil sighed. “I volunteer as hickey tribute,” he said, raising his hand.

“I’m sorry, what?” Even Remus was taken completely off guard.

“Don’t make such a big deal out of it. Right now you’re got Thomas so embarrassed, he won’t enjoy it, and that can settle into negative connotations later, and you did promise not to make Nico a negative connotation. Besides, we did all that vampire stuff last night and maybe I’m more into it than I thought?” Virgil admitted.

“If you’re expecting a hickey from me to be anywhere near as good as a bite from Vampire Thomas, you are setting yourself up for a disappointment,” Nico warned.

“I know you can’t do, like, an actual magical vampire bite,” Virgil assured him. “But I also just…” He was starting to turn red as well.

“I’m so proud of you!” Roman reached over and gave Virgil a one-armed hug. “Look at you deciding you liked something and communicating that instead of writing it off as something that would only go wrong.”

“S’not a big deal.” Virgil muttered before shaking his head. “Now in the immortal words of Nico last night, ‘Bite me’.”

Roman chuckled and pushed Virgil forward gently. Nico couldn’t say he wasn’t nervous at the thought of kissing with an audience. But in the end his audience was entirely made up of his boyfriend, so it shouldn’t matter.

Nico ducked his head and gently kissed Virgil’s neck, feeling the warm skin on his lips before he plucked up his courage and went in, sucking Virgil’s skin into his mouth and breaking the delicate blood vessels in his skin. The sharp intake of air from Virgil was satisfying to hear, and Nico was glad his darker skin didn’t show blushing as easily.

Virgil’s pale skin, on the other hand, showed bruising very easily and Nico could see his handiwork as soon as he pulled away. As well as a flush that covered Virgil’s cheeks and up to the tips of his ears.

“Definitely not asexual,” Virgil muttered, then blushed even harder.

“See, we’re all learning such fun things.” Remus clapped his hands.

“Could you not?” Roman hissed. “Let Virgil have his moment of bliss.”

“I don’t see what the big deal with me giving commentary is?” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m literally Thomas’s sexual urges and desires. That means whenever sexy times do happen, I’m going to be involved one way or another.”

“Remus, if you want to ensure I’m celibate for the rest of my life, you’re doing a great job,” Thomas bemoaned.

Remus’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. “What, no! Why would you do that?”

“Because it’s usually a private, intimate thing and the idea of someone always watching you do it is really freaking Thomas out. And me. I don’t know, but probably Roman.” Virgil was shrinking away now. “Actually he’s your brother. It’s definitely worse for Roman.”

“Instant desire-killer,” Roman confirmed.

“Oh come on.” Remus threw his hands in the air. “Ugh. Padre, get in here and heal Virgil, so I can get Logan to want to do more hickeys for testing and we can get the hormones pumping again.”

“And there’s the ulterior motive,” Roman sighed.

“I’m sorry, was that being Remus’s primary motive ever in question?” Virgil asked.

“Yes. There was always the chance he was making people uncomfortable for the sake of making them uncomfortable,” Roman countered wearily.

“Touche.” Virgil shrugged.

“It’s not fair!” Remus grumped. “If Logan wants to fulfill his purpose by having Thomas learn something new, it’s fine. If Roman wants to be fulfilled by Thomas writing and singing a new song, it’s fine. Just like it’s fine when Patton wants to make a charity donation, and Virgil wants to check the locks, and Janus wants to take a self-care day. But when I want to fulfill my purpose by wanting Thomas to have hot steamy marathon sex that would rock his and Nico’s world it’s just, ‘Remus, No!’. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not,” Patton agreed, leaning in from the living room partition. “And it’s frustrating. But think of it this way. If Thomas rushes into a physical relationship, there’s more of a chance of something going sour and that would mean an end to, um… that sort of thing. For a very long time, because Thomas isn’t good about making connections at the best of times and these are really not the best of times. By taking their time and making sure everything goes as smoothly as possible, they’re making sure their relationship is more secure and longer lasting. And I know it’s too early to say, but hopefully permanent.” Patton blushed. “Not pressuring either of you, mind. But also not opposed.”

“What Patton’s trying to say without saying is no sex for now will equate to much more sex later, whereas rushed sex now will lead to no sex, likely for years. So you just have to be patient." Logan adjusted his glasses. “Now can we proceed with the experiment? I would like to collect our first data point before breakfast comes out of the oven.”

“Why didn’t he just say that?” Remus grumbled. “Come on, Patton. Sex. It’s not a four letter word, it’s only three.”

Patton did his best to ignore Remus’s words, brushing his fingers against Virgil’s neck. As with Remus, nothing happened.

“Huh, really thought that would work,” Remus said, immediately distracted.

“You also thought it was the severity of the injury?” Logan asked.

“Nah, I thought it was because Patty-cakes didn’t like me, but couldn’t admit it even to himself. But Virgil’s, like, the youngest brother who gets doted on, so that’s not it.”

“I am not the youngest just because I have this stupid baby-face,” Virgil grumped.

“Remus, I wouldn’t-” Patton looked aghast.

“You wouldn’t want to believe that of yourself. But we’ve all seen you can be a bit more lilypad than lily-white Morality.” Remus leered.

Nico had no idea what any of that meant, but it was obvious everyone else did, as Patton shrunk away and most of the others looked deeply uncomfortable.

“Of course Patton’s not racist.” Logan snorted. “He is literally Morality.”

“He-what-no?” Remus looked utterly confused, which wasn’t a look Nico had often seen on him. “What does that have to do with anything I said?”

“The ‘Lily-White’ Movement was a white supremacist's movement in the Republican party during the late nineteenth and early twentieth century,” Logan answered, matter of fact.

“Logan, I- uh, think Remus meant the ‘lacking fault/irreproachable/pure’ definition of lily-white,” Thomas suggested.

“Ah, that does make more sense in context. Now that we know severity of injury was not a deciding factor, we can narrow down more variables. For instance, it may be Patton can only use his power once in a twenty-four hour period.”

“Or maybe it only works on his one true love!” Roman eagerly suggested.

Apparently, they were just moving on past that.

“I don’t think so,” Patton hedged, eager to get away from anything involving the word ‘lilypad’. “Nico isn’t my true love. He’s great, but I have no romantic interest in him. Unless you meant love more familial, ‘cause he’s one of my kiddos, but if that were the case it would have worked on Virgil.”

Roman pouted. “But he’s Thomas’s true love and aren’t we all Thomas at the end of the day?”

“We are, as much as we aren’t. There’s no good answer for that.” Logan countered.

“Do you think perception of injury is a factor?” Virgil put out. “Like, this morning when he saw Nico’s bruise, all he could think of was Nico being hurt. But he was also here to hear how much I actually wanted the hickey, so maybe subconsciously he doesn’t see it as an injury any more than, like, a pierced ear?”

“Possible.” Logan noted it down. “Sadly, that would put us back to self-harm for a purposeful test. We would have to wait until a natural occurring injury happened to test that. Though the bruise should stay as long as Virgil doesn’t reset, so we can test the cooldown time theory. I chose twenty-four hours arbitrarily, but we can test it at an hourly rate, and if Patton’s power does activate, we can further narrow it down.” 

“Sorry,” Patton apologized.

“Don’t be,” Thomas assured him. “You’ll have a really cool and useful power once we can figure out how it works, and in the meantime, you know Logan loves a puzzle.”

“I truly do.” The oven beeped. “Excellent, breakfast.”

“Should someone check on Janus?” Nico asked. “He’s the only one that hasn’t shown up today, and he usually likes to be out and about.”

“I’ll check on him.” Patton sunk out, leaving Thomas to wince and rub his temples.

He rose up in the mindscape in front of Janus’s door and knocked. “Janus, we’re having breakfast, if you’d like to join us.”

“Go away!” Janus snapped.

That took Patton aback a bit. He’d seemed to be having fun last night, and was in as good a mood as any of them with the success of The Court of Blood. “Janus, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I am completely fine and happy and not jealous of anyone at all. Over anything.”

Well, that was something, at least. But what was Janus jealous of? “Is this about Nico?”

Janus scoffed. “Despite what Roman might believe, this world revolves around more than romance.”

Patton knew Janus's intonations well enough to know that he was speaking the truth this time. Nico was not the subject of his jealousy. “Then what’s wrong? If you tell me, we can work through it.”

“No, we can not,” Janus answered in a clipped voice. “Now go away. Please.”

The genuine, pleading tone almost did Patton in. Janus never sounded like that, never let any level of vulnerability show. Janus was serious about this.

Unfortunately, so was Patton. “I won’t come in without your permission. But I’m not leaving either. You’re part of our family and you’re hurting. I’ll wait out here till you’re ready to talk.”

“You’ll be waiting a while.”

“I don’t mind.” And he didn’t. Patton sat down with his back to the door and just waited. It was nice, in a way. Everything had been so hectic that taking in the time and the peace was nice.

Still, it was less than five minutes before Janus opened the door. “You are insufferable,” he said flatly. “I suppose you might as well come in.” He led Patton into the deceitful version of Thoma’s kitchenette/living room. It was warmer and more humid than the one in the real world and had an almost hazy look to it.

“It looks really terrible in here,” Patton said, before slapping his hand over his mouth. “That was exactly what I meant to say,” he tried.

Janus rolled his eyes. “Did you forget this is my room?” He ladled something from a crock pot in a cup and handed it to Patton. “Drink this. It will help.”

Patton took a sip of what turned out to be beautifully mulled wine and took a moment to enjoy it. “That was delicious. Oh, I’m speaking normally again.”

Janus smirked, lifting up the ladle. “In vino veritas. A sip of wine will help you stay honest against the effects of my room.”

Patton took another sip. “It that why you drink it so often?”

Janus seemed to mull over the question. “To a degree. It’s not that it keeps my words honest, but contrary to alcohol’s normal effects it keeps me somewhat sharp. I am Deceit and it would be all too easy for me to be as consumed by lies as Virgil can be by anxiety or Roman his dreams. Wine keeps me from falling into that trap. I can’t afford to miss threats, but by the same token, there’s no need to see them where they don’t exist.”

“Good to know.” Patton nodded. “So what’s got you so bothered?”

Janus bit his lip. “Can I convince you to leave it be?”

“No. Because it’s hurting you. And I want to help.” Patton insisted.

“There is nothing that can be done to help,” Janus insisted. “I simply must deal with the cards I am dealt.”

“Then I’ll help you deal with them. Whatever it takes,” Patton promised.

Janus looked to the sky as if praying for strength, the closed his eyes. “I despise my power.”

“Your venom?”

“The whole thing!” Janus threw his arms up, splashing wine from his ladle. “I hate that my power is something that isn’t useful in Thomas’s life. I hate that it’s not subtle or clever. I hate that the fangs give Thomas dysphoria unless he uses Remus’s power to morph them away. I hate that practicing with our venom makes Thomas feel disgusting. I hate everything about it. And it’s even worse that Roman and Remus loved their powers, both of which would have also suited me and I would have adored having. And while Virgil’s power is no more useful to Thomas than my own, he at least enjoys it for dramatic purposes.”

“At first, Remus was… Remus was a threat, and I could at least know I was the last line of defense. And neither you nor Logan had a power, so I could tell myself it was something. But Remus is behaving, as much as he is able, and you and Logan have both discovered your own gifts and they are wonderfully suited to you, and I am once again stuck being the disgusting snake man.”

“You’re not disgusting, Janus.” Patton was quick to assure. “You’re easily the most elegant and dapper of us. And I’ve never heard Thomas say he thinks your power is gross either.”

“Because Thomas has tact.” Janus rolled his eyes. “In order to use my power, I must be in his head. I know exactly how he feels every time he has to squeeze his venom glands or feel our venom flow through his teeth. I’m only glad it’s warm for him, or it would be worse.”

“For him? Why would it be warm for him if it isn’t for you?” Patton asked, confused. “Shouldn’t it be exactly the same?”

Janus pinned him with a look, one eyebrow raised. “Our venom glands are at body temperature. Only one of us is warm-blooded.”

Huh, Janus was still cold-blooded in his human form? How would that work? He’d have to ask Logan. Wait, no. That would be rude.

“Venom collection is something that makes Thomas uncomfortable, but he was at least becoming desensitized to it. But having Nico see him do it made the self-consciousness return with a vengeance. I hate everything about my power. While it would come in useful in a life or death situation, the odds of us encountering said situation are quite low, which means the only thing my so-called ‘power’ does is make Thomas feel uncomfortable in his body. So, yes. I hate it. And I’m bitterly jealous that everyone gets something better.”

“You have it, but at least you can use it.”

Janus’s eyes widened at the sheer bitterness in Patton’s voice. “Exactly how much of my wine did you drink? I don’t think I gave you that much.”

“But, it’s true. Once everyone figured out what their power was, they knew immediately how to use it. I haven’t been able to figure out how to so much as even turn it on again. Logan’s going over all these variables and says everyone’s still figuring things out, but that not true. They’re figuring out new things with their powers. None of the others need help activating their power once they knew what it was. But I healed one bruise and suddenly it’s like I’m back to not having a power. What do I do if Thomas gets hurt? Keep poking him and hope maybe my power works? I know I’m not the smartest side, but why am I the only one too stupid to get it?”

“You’re not stupid, Patton. You are, at worst, naive,” Janus assured him. “There must be more to this than we are seeing. While we have set precedent amongst ourselves, the bald truth is we know nothing about what’s happening to us or Thomas as the result of him being a meta. And even if he were comfortable going to a doctor, they would not know either, given how new this phenomena is. I cannot say why you don’t have an instinctive knowledge of your power any more than I can say why everyone else gets a power they like and I don’t. But it is not that you’re stupid.”

“I guess we’ll just have to settle for being useful to Thomas in the same way we’ve always been.” Patton said, though the sad look he gave Janus said he knew that wasn’t enough for either of them. “I guess all we can do is join them for breakfast.”

“You should go without me.” Janus sighed. “Today is a day of celebration. Roman’s grandest illusion yet. Nico’s story getting off the ground. New discoveries for Logan. I would only bring the mood down and not even receive any satisfaction for the trouble. No, I will stay here until the bitterness is manageable. You are welcome to join me.”

Patton was surprised at how tempting that was, for all he was looking forward to breakfast with the others. There was something nice and cozy about Janus’s room, and even more than that, freeing. He hadn’t wanted to say how frustrated the situation made him, not when Thomas was still barely accepting of his powers and the changes they brought to his life. “I don’t want to stay, but they’re not waiting for me.” Patton blinked and took another sip of wine.

“And if you decline to return, they’ll worry.” Janus nodded his head in understanding. “Still, if you wish to come by later, feel free. Sometimes the best way to be rid of a frustration is to vent it. And I’m always up for a bitch session. I’ll even share the wine.”

“I’ll bring some snacks,” Patton promised with a smile.

Janus shared a warm grin with him. “Now, shoo. Enjoy your frittata.”

“Of course I will. It was made with love.” Patton beamed.

“That would be an actual seasoning to you.” Janus rolled his eyes fondly. “Maybe bring some of your scrapbooking supplies as well as snacks. We can have a good old fashioned stitch and bitch.”

Patton tried not to react to the name. “I thought those were for fiber arts stuff? Like sewing and knitting?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t.” Janus winked.

Patton laughed. “So what craft are you bringing?”

“You’ll just have to show up to see.” Janus said coyly. “You’d best get back now before Roman tries to save you from me again.” Janus shooed Patton out, and it was only after he left that Janus realized something.

His smile was real.

It had been so long, hadn’t it, since he had something to look forward to. After they’d manifested, everything seemed to be about keeping Thomas’s- their heads above water. And he’d been careful not to be in the mindscape more than necessary outside sleep, so Thomas wouldn’t have to deal with the fangs.

It had made him miss some of the amenities they were used to. Being able to conjure things they needed and food they wanted. It felt downright decadent after spending so much time in stark reality.

Perhaps today would be self-care for himself. Thomas had already suffered the indignity of making venom samples for Logan, having the fangs for the rest of the day shouldn’t be more of a hardship. He could relax and pamper himself while waiting for Patton to return. He might be a lying snake, but he was no hypocrite. And maybe if he could get Patton to actually vent his frustrations, he wouldn’t repress so much. That would make Remus happy.