bury me with my money

I WISH THINGS HAD TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY!!!!!!!!! goes to the supermarket

what people dont get about divorces is the Whole Thing About Dogs

i have written custody plans for labrador retrievers more complex than i have for children. i went to four years of undergrad, three years of law school, and sat for the bar exam to write up custody exchange provisions for dogs with hyphonated last names

my clients are paying $295 an hour for me to go to court and litigate who makes veterinary decisions for Chuckles the Goldfish and theres literally nothing i can do to stop them

I am producing enzymes you wouldn’t BELIEVE right now

Saw a friend say about a fictional character “you just know her pussy is a solid 3/10” and for some odd reason my immediate thought was to feel bad for her. I started thinking how I’d be sad in her place being stuck with a “solid 3/10 pussy”… how does a girl even manage to increase her pussy score? I simply don’t know

I remember one time I got INSANELY high off of edibles while playing Among Us, and it quickly became apparent to the other players online. I forget how honestly but literally anything "sus" I did was ignored by everyone because I was so fucking high. I tested this theory by standing in front of a body and the person that actually reported it didn't even mention me. The funniest part was when I was trying to do wires, I kept fucking up over and over again, so I was just standing in front of wires for actual minutes trying to figure it out. A small crowd of players gathered around me to watch and would get mad every time someone reported a body or emergency meeting because "she's never going to get her tasks done if you keep interrupting them." I don't think anyone cared about winning at that point, they just wanted to see the high crew mate succeed in her tasks.

THIS IS 1000% ACCURATE LMFAO. Thank you op

I had a Terry's Chocolate Orange once in an airport 10 years ago (they’re very hard to come by in the US, I’ve never seen them sold anywhere else) and I think about it everyday.

So what you’re saying in the replies is that they are sold everywhere and they’re just hiding them from me every time I enter a store.

So what you’re saying is some sort of evil sorcerer put a curse on me to make Terry’s chocolate oranges totally invisible to me.

science is for everyone! it was Black women who took us to the moon!

white people have the sauce sometimes and dont even know it

i just saw a youtube short of brandon sanderson on a podcast. the whole time hes talking hes doing book signings. what a flex. so many bitches on my dick i gotta multitask

brandon sanderson is actually just built different. once on a podcast with patrick rothfuss they were talking about tools to write better and he said "i try to limit myself to 8 hours of writing per day." he took time off of writing during the first year of covid and accidentally wrote four unplanned books. he teaches a class at byu. his wife has a codeword to get him to stop writing in his head because at any given moment you might think he's doing something normal but no he's also writing another novel. stephen king said he's insane

via queenofattolia: #stephen king said he's insane: most damning sentence ever written

you're not making enough of stone fruit season. that's another thing you're fucking up. a few dozen stone fruit seasons you get your whole life. you need to take a hard look at your peach and mango consumption.

they mustve been jackin it to hallmark christmas movies when they wrote this