things are happening

the elephant in the room is actually really important for the feng shui of the place so i’d appreciate it if you left it alone

im dodging tornado attacks like its nothing

Have you tried going to a tornado shelter?

the tornadoes should be taking shelter from me

TRAGEDY: every member of a once-flourishing group chat is now employed

My Shakespeare students (they are 12) wanted to summarize the lessons they learned this semester. If. Um. Anybody would like to see.

I Defeated the Demon Lord but it Turns Out the Demon Army was Largely Unaffected and I Fell Victim to a Flawed Belief in Great Man Theory

Imagine you’re an astronaut visiting an alien planet for the first time and you find out they already speak American English cause they keep the guy you thought died years ago in a zoo. He loves being in the zoo, and offers you a burger made from his own meat. Also he named all the aliens after movie characters so you have no choice but to call the alien president Batman.

Imagine you’re an astronaut visiting an alien planet for the first time and you find out they already speak American English cause they keep the guy you thought died years ago in a zoo. He loves being in the zoo, and offers you a burger made from his own meat. Also he named all the aliens after movie characters so you have no choice but to call the alien president Batman.

I SHOWED IT TO MY FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHEN HE GAVE ME MY COOKIES AND HE LAUGHED SO HARD HE TOOK MY PHONE TO SHOW IT TO THE OTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT

I don’t know how you got a good grade in being a passenger on an airline but that’s a totally normal thing to achieve and I’m not seething with jealousy at all.

this girl was showing all the signs of being a secret mermaid so i pushed her into the pool and she turned into a forty foot long mosasaurus which is tbh way cooler

not really sure how to get her out though

for those of you asking why i pushed her into the pool in the first place: i work for a duplicitous small town aquarium and i'm trying to kidnap mermaids to jump through hoops and shit to entertain tourists and make money. fucking obviously. now that i know she's actually a mosasaurus though i Have fallen in pure-hearted love with her