What the hell am I doing here?

Since it’s Pride Month,

Story of my life people. You know what’s real ? The struggle.

am scared

Today, Amazon announced the imminent launch of its newest endeavor, Kindle Worlds, a publishing platform for fanfiction. When I read the announcement, I was horrified, then angry, then sad. I want to take a moment to explain why this is such a tragedy.

“By using the platform, authors give all rights to the work to Amazon, who can then license your elements to other authors with no compensation to the original poster.”

The Dark Side is easy, too, and Luke told it to fuck off anyway, and he had a hell of a lot more to worry about than publishing a book at the time.

Story of my life people. You know what’s real ? The struggle.

Short list of the Shit the HOA at my pervious house tried to pull:

Banning personal and community food gardens (The reason the tag for my garden is “The garden of earthly HOA violations”)

Banning people from using thier personal yards as Native Plant Restoration microzones, something that looks gorgeous and is extremely helpful to the local ecology

trying to get the city council to remove protections on adjacent city Open Space/Native Plant restoration zone so they could mow it.

mandating the use of ONE landscaping company in the neighborhood, coinicdentally owned by the HOA president’s son

Mandating the use of an unecessary water purification company on all properties.

suing city animal control for collecting lose dogs and cats and returning them to the addresses on thier collars.  You know. that thing animal control does so the animals don’t get run over or disemboweled by the coyotes or catch and spread rabies.  The thing that’s illegal to let your pet do out here for those reasons Karen.

Suing the city council to remove a city bus stop in the neighborhood that was heavily used by many residents.  They damn near got away with it becuase the HOA meetings were always in the middle of the day on a weekday.  You know, when the residents that use that stop are working.

Sending people letters threatening to fine them for having “Out Of Season” holiday decor.  Specifically targeting my Indian neighbors who were celebrating Diwali, not Christmas and the Jews with visible Menorahs.

Fining people for doing thier own appliance and car repair on thier own personal property

Fining people for operating a business out of thier house, specifically targeting a disabled neighbor that does comission tailoring and garment repair out of her home.  never bothered a soul except the one snoopy bitch who didn’t like that her clients were allowed to park in the tailor’s designated and otherwise unused parking space.

Trying to fine a neighbor for flying a Pride Flag

HOAs are invasive, bigoted, corrupt and cruel institutions that should never have been allowed to be created.  If you live in and HOA area, showing up at the meetings to tell people what the fuck is wrong with them, Joining your HOA board to protect your neighbors and possibly organize the dissolution of the HOA is one of the best things you can do to protect the marginalized members of your community.

It’s a cinematic cliché for a person of any foreign nationality to revert to their native language when angry (I usually see it with Spanish-speaking characters), and my southern accent deepens as I get angrier.

The Mummy

You are not going to get a cohesive narrative out of that. You are not going to get tightly woven, intricate plots. You are going to get bisexual disaster number one hiding their cyborg girlfriend in the basement while totally making out with his boss. You’re gonna get bisexual disaster number 2 engaging in hot lesbian sex with an evil alien while being in love with her co-worker. You’re gonna  have bisexual disaster number 3 literally fuck his way out of a fistfight in the first episode. Also he dies and comes back as a zombie, and this in no way negates the feelings bisexual disaster number 2 has for him. (And then, of course, you’re gonna have Jack.)

are you ready for this? 

it is the most wonderfully made, historically inaccurate, giddily fun, perfectly paced, goofy horror movie romance novel bullshit bonanza that has ever blessed the silver screen.

i mean it is just so beautifully full of every genre without being overwhelming.we’ve got: comedy, action, suspense, horror, romance, adventure, ancient aesthetics, and it’s a period piece. all perfectly balanced and blended into one movie.

and the characters are so LIT

we got our main babe, evelyn “motherfucking” carnahan, a super-klutz librarian, total history nerd, and certified badass/damsel in distress. she raises the dead on accident, because she cannot resist books, and has the guts to put that motherfucker back where he came from and literally saves the world.evie’s greatest hits: 

“what is a place like me, doing in a girl like this?!”

*after totally destroying the library* “i’ve just made a bit of a mess in the library.”

“no harm ever came from reading a book.”

evelyn: *upon opening the tomb* “i’ve dreamt about this since i was a little girl.”rick: “you dream about dead guys?”

“oops.”

then we’ve got rick “brendan fraser” o’connell, your not-so-typical battle hardened gun slinger with a heart of gold. he seems filthy, rude, and a complete scoundrel at first, but then he turns into a literal puppy, with massive heart eyes, that worships the ground evie walks on.rick’s greatest hits:

*screams at mummy*

*screams at sand*

*screams at things that are illogical to scream at*

*screams*

next is our Comedic Relief Character™, jonathan carnahan, who also rises above his trope. he’s there for the laugh sure, but is never useless. he actively helps to move the plot along and isn’t just there. he also is the farthest thing from brainless and annoying.jonathan’s greatest hits:

evelyn: “have you no respect for the dead?”jonathan: “of course i do, but sometimes i’d rather like to join them.” same.

oh and that time he was like “IMHOTEP” and saved his own ass like that was so smooth, y’all know what i’m talking about right??

then there is ardeth BAE. he is the audience rolling his eyes because *sighs* white people. he’s tired of these motherfucking mummies in this motherfucking desert. literally prettier than everyone.(he has a much bigger role in the mummy returns, but is still so fab here)

and of course THE MUMMY. imhotep. actual emo. literally carved some poetry into the back of his sarcophagus when he was buried alive with flesh eating bugs, because he is that Extra™. just wants to bring his girlfriend back to life so he can make out with her without it being treason. 

and all the side characters are also gr8.

now i wanna take a moment to talk about the romance. because it is so BEAUTIFUL. like usually in action movies it’s macho man undermines girl and they bone. not here. no time for that shit. 

rick and evie have such a great relationship based on mutual respect and affection. they both cater to each other’s strengths and cover each other’s weaknesses. they are the literally definition of: “those two. in a fight, they’re lethal. around each other, they melt”

what else, i could literally talk about this movie all day.

the special effects have held up pretty well.the music score is GORGEOUS.the costumes are amazing.the makeup, especially for anck su namun, OH WOW.the george of the jungle era brendan fraser sign me the fuck up.rachel weisz.

so many good things.

it’s just great.

#i secretly rate every action movie from 0 to the mummy

it’s a beautiful mess of a movie that can be enjoyed by people of all ages and transcends time and posterity as the alpha mummy movie, and to those who disagree i beseech you: