Work(worth)less Journey

The job search process is humbling, to say the least. It’s a frustrating reality we all seem to face in today’s world. I’m focusing on improving my resume, building my skills, and studying, but social media really amplifies these feelings.

I’ve talked before about how I think LinkedIn can be such a toxic place, and I’m feeling that even more now. Ironically, I’m having to lean into it more, building my “brand,” networking, trying to stay visible. It’s like this paradox of needing to play the game while hating the constant stream of job updates and “inspirational” posts that just make me more anxious.

However, there has been a silver lining. A younger woman reached out for advice on getting into marketing, and mentoring her has been one of the most rewarding experiences. Mentorship feels like a true calling for me, so in a strange way, LinkedIn ended up giving me something positive despite how much I struggle with it. I’m realizing that maybe it’s less about the platforms themselves, and more about how we approach them and our own mindsets.

At the same time, I’m trying to make the most of each experience, studying hard for additional certifications and building new skills. But I won’t deny that I might reach a point where I’ll have to exaggerate a little about certain competencies—not because I’m incapable, but because I haven’t had the chance to use specific tools in previous roles. Many of the tools I worked with were internal to the company, so they’re not transferable. Unfortunately, I’ve lost out on a few opportunities simply because I hadn’t used certain tools on the job, even though I know them and hold certifications. So, I think I’ll have to start stretching the truth a bit. It’s often what recruiters respond to, and I actually recommend this approach to women especially. I feel like men do this regularly (no offense intended, but it’s just something I’ve noticed).

Thank you to everyone who has reached out and shared their own stories with me. Sadly, right now, job rejections are everywhere, and many people are being left in very tough situations. This has made me realize how lucky I am in some ways, too. I truly hope everyone finds stability and a path forward soon. If anyone wants to share their story or just needs someone to talk to, feel free to message me or comment below.

So far, I have been lucky and have never had to go through a lengthy application process to look for a job. I have always found my previous positions through word of mouth and recommendations, so navigating the various platforms in search of jobs to apply for is a new and nerve-wracking experience.

However, nothing had prepared me for the obscenity of LinkedIn. While I understand its usefulness, especially for networking, I wonder why we all comply with fueling this platform designed to make us all look like over-caffeinated mega managers.

Enthusiasm. Everyone on LinkedIn is enthusiastic about any trivial thing they do at work: Today we are proud to present this thing that is spectacular and fantastic and makes us all so happy. Or: how great it is to work for this amazing company, my God, they are the best, I can do so many things like 'my job that I'm paid for' and feel wonderfully useful… I don’t know how to tell you that the same company you’re showing so much enthusiasm for is ready to kick you out in a heartbeat if the CEO risks earning 10 euros less than usual.

LinkedIn is unnatural, especially when you are job hunting and your enthusiasm is waning. You're there, in tears, reading about how everyone else is successful while you're struggling to get past the first round of CV screenings and feeling awful. But you have to play their game and post enthusiastically; enthusiasm is important. How wonderful the course you're taking is! My God, I really couldn't wait to spend another thousand hours studying instead of spending time with my family, studying things I've already learned on the job, but I need to get a little certificate to hope to pass the CV screenings.

And the recruiters? I think they love LinkedIn; it's the platform where they have the most power. After all, they are the matchmakers of many people's happiness. So they're there giving advice that contradicts itself, and you're left not knowing what to do. Did I put too much in my CV? Too little? Getting the layout wrong already costs you points, regardless of what's inside. Do you try to contact them for a specific position? They can't respond to you, you know, they're very busy, THEY are.

You can't complain. I can only do it here, anonymously, because otherwise, it's your fault. It's always your fault, always! You who didn't write your CV well, you who didn't sell yourself enough. I feel like a prostitute wondering how short her skirt should be and how high her boots should be to get noticed by passing cars.

It's not fair, because this is a show designed to burn people out. 10% is useful for making job connections, 90% is just a circus where people show off, just like any other social media. Here, however, you can't dare to be yourself even a little; it's just the showcase where you sell yourself. One misstep and a recruiter won't look at your page, one misplaced comma and the job you would be perfect for won't be offered to you.

"Things happen not against you, but for you."

Something strange but beautiful is happening. I am overcoming anxiety. Or at least, I am managing it most of the time.

This period of uncertainty is difficult and I wouldn't have chosen it voluntarily, but perhaps I am exactly where I need to be. I have always struggled with low self-esteem; I am a people pleaser, and all my achievements have always been dedicated to others or done for others (especially my mother).

So losing my job meant feeling my worth diminish because I had tied my self-esteem to an external factor. Now I am working to turn the situation around.

My skills, my value, and my self-esteem must be something autonomous. I am lucky because I am surrounded by friends (and my girlfriend) who constantly affirm that I am valuable for who I am and love me for who I am.

They loved and respected me when I did a more "humble" job in a store just as much as when I became a Senior in a corporate role with a good salary.

Now, the next step is to internalize this truth and accept that, for now, it is better not to address the issue with my parents because it would upset them and me.

Meditation and positive affirmations are working; I feel increasingly confident in myself.

I am reprogramming my brain to have confidence in the future, to trust in my abilities, and at the same time, to trust in the universe, in this force that is within me and everyone and above all, that ultimately helps us find our way when needed.

I'm having better days. I've made some changes, like spending LESS time on social media and using my phone less in general.

No more using the phone on the toilet! I know it's silly, but let's be honest, that's where most social media consumption happens. Instead, I've put some comic books in the bathroom and now I enjoy reading while "taking care of business."

Tumblr is the only social media platform I still use a bit. It's a safer space, it's slower, and it helps me express my thoughts without having to interact with "people I know."

I need to get my energy and focus back.

In the morning, first things first: meditation.

Then, I go to the gym four times per week to build muscle and get stronger and stronger.

Planning my day also helps, from smaller to bigger tasks. It gives me a sense of control and fulfillment.

And last but not least, I take a lot of walks. Walking in my village, in the calm of the Dutch summer, just me and my audiobooks, calms my nerves.

Whenever bad thoughts come, I repeat my positive affirmations, which I also keep on a note on my phone. So when I'm tempted to go on social media, I open that note instead.

And when things get really bad, I blast some good music and dance around. It might sound silly, but it's scientifically proven that physical activity can improve your mood and give you a bit of endorphins to keep you happy.

When you are unemployed and looking for a job, Mondays hit you harder. You were more relaxed over the weekend. They can't send you rejection emails over the weekend, and sending applications doesn't make much sense. However, on Monday, you have to get back into the circus, and with each passing week, you feel more and more nauseated.

It had been years since I last faced the job search world, and I wasn't prepared for this storm of information that hits you. Everyone gives advice, often contradicting each other, and you don't know which way to turn. It feels like no matter what you do, you'll do it wrong.

So you start to think it's your fault. Something is wrong with your CV, your profile, the cover letter you wrote, your name, your date of birth… you are wrong!

Looking for a job is one of the most dehumanizing processes I have ever faced. I'm not talking about the interviews, that's different, even though in the end, it's also a dance about who has prepared the best script, but rather the application and the rejection.

Due to these discouraging circumstances, I cried for three days in a row last week. Then I decided to do the right thing. Besides booking an appointment with a psychologist for this week, because I need all the mental support I can get, I visited a dear friend to cry a bit with her too.

And here, my wise friend helped me put things into perspective and gave me confidence. For this reason, I want to share with you some of the things that helped me the most:

Often, HR or those posting job ads have no idea what they want or what they're looking for. She experienced this firsthand at work; she was hired as an Art Director only to discover that even they had no idea what the role entailed. Similarly, when she was looking for a graphic designer, HR posted the job as Visual Designer, believing it would perform better on LinkedIn. Unfortunately, these are two different jobs, and she found herself having to reject numerous portfolios simply because they were Visual Designers, which paradoxically was what the ad asked for. A rejection can have a thousand reasons, some of which have nothing to do with your CV.

Go there and fail. Submit the application even if it's not a perfect match, go to the interview in Dutch even if you're not confident about your language level, it doesn't matter. Go and fail, failing doesn't mean being a failure, but gaining experience.

You don't know where your opportunity lies; hang in there, keep learning, and network as best as you can. All this anxiety and fear will dissolve one day when you finally see that job offer... that day will come!

It might take some time and its ok.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by people who believe in me and support me wholeheartedly. Whenever I ask them, whether it's my girlfriend or all my friends, the response is always: "You will find a job, we have no doubt."

Surround yourself with people who care about you and give you a lot of support, not with those who want to burden you with their worries or judgments (which is why I haven't told my parents).

Premise: I love my parents, they are people who truly did everything, based on what they thought was right, for me and my sister.

I am the golden child of the family. I have an older sister, who instead is the black sheep and the scapegoat. She has always caused trouble, didn't do well in school, and let herself go aesthetically (due to depression).

My sister is the classic fish that was judged because she couldn't climb trees, yet no one ever noticed that she was the best swimmer instead. If my parents, especially my mother, had been more empathetic and sensitive people, perhaps they would have understood my sister without forcing her to fit into an idea of success that wasn't meant for her.

However, my parents carry their own traumas. Culture and education lifted them to a higher social class at a time when in Italy it was not at all common to attend university (especially for a woman). Consequently, study and extreme discipline have always been the foundational values of my mother.

My sister used the strategy of "giving up", she didn't even try, the expectations were too high. Hence, my mother has always considered herself disappointed and almost embarrassed by her. It's worth noting that my sister has a stable job, has recovered from depression and a suicide attempt, and has lost over 20kg that she gained during depression. My sister is a tough cookie and the "problems" she caused my parents, now seen through the eyes of an adult, were trivial things and all cries for help from a suffering emotional state that were not listened to.

I, born 9 years later and the only natural child, was the second chance. I tried to meet my parents' expectations, and that's why I became the Golden Child. Excellent in everything I did, from school to sports, destined for great things. Yet the pressure was immense, too much, terrible.

Here is where that seed settled in, the one that didn't allow me to accomplish any of the great things I was destined for: anxiety and insecurity. All my achieved goals never belonged to me, but I always did them for my parents. I was taught to perform, not to enjoy the process, not to take pleasure in what I was doing just because I was doing it.

The solution was to leave, to go abroad, to escape to be alone, to find myself. I worked in a souvenir shop for 6 years while freelancing as a journalist, photographer, and videomaker. But the truth? I didn't have the guts to freelance, I didn't have the thick skin to deal with the sole fear of client criticism (even if it didn't come), and I charged very little because I didn't believe in my abilities. Anxiety and insecurity.

Fortunately, I found my girlfriend, someone who believes in me for who I am. Yes, it was a shock for my parents to see me with a woman, and seeing them disappointed by this choice still hurts me (even though it's better now after 6 years).

She gave me the strength to try to change my life, so I found a job in customer support, studied on my own, climbed the corporate ladder, and after almost 5 years, I found myself as a Marketing Operations Manager. I was one of the most competent in the international team for this job, and I was doing great, until the promotion two months ago.

That promotion meant to me: you did it! You earn more than your parents ever did, you do a job you love and excel at, I have a home, a girlfriend I love immensely. A dog was about to join the picture… and then the layoff.

That job for me was my redemption, my "having made it." The Golden Child hadn't failed after all!

The CEOs who decide on these layoffs don't know that people lose more than just a job; they don't know what it truly represents. A colleague of mine was pregnant when she was laid off; I can only imagine the stress of facing a pregnancy knowing she had lost her job.

On paper, I'm very fortunate. We had to give up the dog that was on the way, but otherwise, we don't have too many expenses, we don't have children, and my girlfriend works. We have money for a while. For this reason, many say to relax and enjoy the free time, but how can I? I am the Golden Child! I can't afford to do nothing, to not perform.

To my parents, I haven't said anything; I don't have the strength to handle their emotions as well. Here where I live, I'm surrounded by people who believe in me and support me, yet the curse of the Golden Child is wearing me down. Anxiety is killing me, and the job application process is torture because I take any rejection, even one generated by a robot, as confirmation that I'm just a fraud, that it's not true that I had potential, that it's not true that I know how to do things, that as the Golden Child, I have failed.

Yes, I need to see a therapist, I know, I already have an appointment next week. Because I have all the time and the necessary calm to commit to finding a job, and it could also be a stimulating journey if taken in the right direction, or if not stimulating, at least normal. I don't think it's necessary to face it with anxiety cramps, with tears in my eyes, and a damn fear of making any mistake.

Two months ago, I got a promotion at my job. Higher salary and, above all, a boost to my self-esteem. I was performing well; feedback from everywhere was amazing. Everyone I worked with loved me, and the company recognized my dedication and rewarded me with a promotion!

I was happy and satisfied. I enjoyed a nice trip with my girlfriend to Venice (we live in the Netherlands, and I'm Italian).

My career was going well. I had found a job that I loved and excelled at.

One month ago, I got laid off. Apparently, my company has two heads that don't communicate with each other. One head is the managers who actually do the job and work with people; the other head is the stakeholder-pleasers who don't care at all about people, but just about numbers.

The US didn't reach the quota this year, so let's cut all the EU market. It doesn't matter how well they're doing; they are too small in comparison.

And the people who work there?

Probably the answer to this question was: Who?

We got laid off—me, my team, other European teams. All our work, planning, and energy didn't mean enough.

It happened in a few hours. One minute I was enjoying my first salary after the promotion, and the next minute I was crying because I would soon be kicked out of the system.

I feel like I fell from the top of a building.

Everybody around me is saying not to worry, that I'll find another job, that I'm qualified, and everything will be good.

The truth is, nothing is good. I feel like shit. I have Rejection Sensitivity, so you can imagine how fun it is to receive tons of rejection emails for your applications.

And what about the tips about CVs, cover letters, and all the different application methods that exist? One goes against the other, and you're left more confused than ever.

People are telling me to take it easy, that I have time and I just started my application process, but I'm not good, I'm not feeling good. Then I think: what the fuck has this world made us become? Why do I feel so worthless when I didn't even get fired? I was a good worker, but still, it wasn't enough. Why can't I help but think that without a job, I'm nobody?

The absurd thing is that I would never think this of any of the people I know. People I love, including my girlfriend, have gone through periods when they didn't have a job and needed to find a new one. During those times, never, even for a second, did it occur to me to judge them or think less of them because they didn't have a job. So, why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I take all of this with more serenity? What's wrong with me?

I've opened this blog just to vent and let my thoughts out. I wanted to come across as a bit more funny, but today is not a very good day. Hopefully, I'll soon sharpen my "virtual pen."