I'm a trans girl, and I have something I'd like your help with.
I don't have any of the common sense that I would get from the life experience of being raised as a girl
I'm worried that I'll end up in a dangerous situation because I was oblivious to the risks.
thank you! thanks for stopping by, that's actually a really great thing to ask about! you definitely want to know what you're possibly getting into when it comes to other people treating you. you want to know what to expect and that's good! women have it hard and people can be very invasive
i was raised/socialized as a girl/woman before i transitioned so i can give a bit of insight, since i've been there too. these are just a few tips, it's not a comprehensive list, nor is it in any particular order. just some things to keep in mind!
Safety & General Advice Tips for Trans Women:
First and foremost, try to not let too much of this stress get to you at once. At the end of the day, womanhood can be an extremely varied experience, so your mileage will vary with a lot of these. Try not to get too wrapped up in feeling paranoid of strangers if possible, while there are strangers who can potentially want to hurt you, there are also those who are minding their own business or even support you. It's definitely okay to have your guard up, but it may affect your mental health greatly if you are starting to feel endangered by most people around you.
It's good to be informed, alert and aware, but if it starts getting to a point where the way you feel about strangers is making your quality of life worse, it may be a good idea to take the time to focus on yourself and those who love you to remind you that womanhood isn't always miserable, even though it can feel like it at times. There will still be good moments, whether you're by yourself or with friends, that you can cherish to help alleviate some of the pain that cisheteronormative patriarchy can cause.
You may notice after you come out to others that they start talking down to you, condescending to you, doubting your emotions and experiences, downplaying your struggles, or even being rude and mean about things they weren't that way about before. People have a lot of internalized misogyny and tend to compulsively begin treating a woman or someone they perceive to be a woman like they're incapable of thinking for themselves. This is really common, so if this starts happening to you, try not to let it get to you. You're not too dumb to think for yourself.
People may start to doubt your capability at your job, if you are employed. You may notice a huge shift in respect and how your customers and clients treat you, especially if you work in a male dominated field. People may ask to talk to your cis man/cis man passing coworkers instead of you and it's okay to get angry about this. You may get paid less than your cishet man/cishet man passing coworkers as well and it's okay to be angry about this, too.
Come out slowly so you can adjust and gauge how the people in your life will treat you. When coming out at first, stick to very close friends and family members you have a good relationship with. You can take this as slow or as quickly as you want. But when you're first coming out and unsure of yourself, you don't have to overwhelm yourself by telling the entire world right out of the gates if you don't want to. You can take it at your own pace.
It's up to you whether or not you want to pass as a woman, either in your personal or public life. If you don't want to pass or just don't want to try, that's okay. If passing is vital to your mental health and how you want to be seen, that's also okay. You're allowed to decide how you present and appear. Keeping your safety in mind is also super important, so if you feel the stress of trying to pass as a woman would be too much or even dangerous for you to do so, it's okay to not try to pass. You're also allowed to "look trans," too.
Makeup can and does change how peoples' faces look drastically, so you may find that makeup can help you pass for safety or personal reasons. Even something as simple as eyeliner and mascara can change the way one's face looks. Highlighter & contour used on the cheeks, nose and brow can very much transform one's appearance, and if you have very visible stubble, you can utilize foundation and other products to help mask it when in public or around other people you need to pass for safety or personal reasons.
Most strangers in public generally think that long hair = woman. There are men and other people regardless of gender who wear their hair long, but for passing, safety, or personal reasons, long hair can drastically change how strangers see you.
Layers, flowy and loose fitting clothing help mask certain traits of the body, so if you feel insecure about how strangers perceive certain parts of your body, you may be able to obscure it from strangers' view by wearing a few layers or loose fitting clothes.
You may want to avoid taking long walks in dark places at night alone if possible. It is very much true that it can be unsafe to be out late at night- this can be regardless of your gender- but as a feminine person or woman, there is a genuine risk of being out late at night without someone else around, or being inside of a car. This is a little stereotypical to say, but it is a genuine danger.
If you're out in public and ever feel like someone is stalking or following you and you're alone, pull out your cell phone if you have one and pretend to take a phone call. Talk into your phone like you're speaking to another person, and if necessary, actually call someone else. Generally speaking, someone who wants to cause harm will not want there to be witnesses, especially not someone who can hear what's happening directly and can come over to the scene or call for emergency assistance. Put your best friends, family members and other emergency contacts on speed dial or favorite contacts if your phone has that kind of feature to make it even quicker and easier.
When meeting someone from a dating app, social media or other place online for the first time, do so in a public setting like a restaurant or other busy area where there are a lot of other people nearby to prevent potentially dangerous behaviors. Try to avoid meeting up with someone for the first time at your home when and where possible. Try to avoid giving out your exact location or address before you have interacted with someone in person.
Being in groups in public can drastically increase your safety levels, especially if those people are willing to stand up for you. It's also hard for people to get a close read on you if you are with a lot of other people. The more there are of you, the better.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to carry self defense tools just in case. That won't make you a violent person, looking out for your safety is crucial. It's okay to prepare for this kind of thing.
You may find that people suddenly start being needlessly sexual toward you, or sexualize your womanhood without you telling them you enjoy that kind of thing first. People may shift their view on how they feel about you and become aggressively sexual. You are not obligated to accept that if it makes you uncomfortable.
You may find that people start to doubt your physical strength and capability for no real reason.
Trans chasers do exist, though they're not every person who's attracted to trans women. Chasers will usually focus very hard on the things that make you "non passing" to them, to the point where it makes you feel very uncomfortable because you no longer feel as though you are being viewed as a person, but rather, a sexual object that fascinates them. They may also use hurtful slurs and humiliating language toward you without your consent.
I know people say this a lot but it's true, public bathrooms can be dangerous, so it's best to stay cautious when entering one. Wear a face mask if possible inside to help people mind their own business. Avoid conversation if possible. Looking nervous may draw some attention, so keeping a cool head and focusing on the task at hand can help in some situations.
You do not have to feel ashamed of your voice, but if you're noticing people getting caught up on your voice, you can do some vocal training, or choose to speak in shorter, more concise sentences and utilize body language around those people, or both. You don't have to completely silence yourself as you deserve to speak up for yourself, but using more body language may help you have an easier time with strangers who are or may become caught up on how your voice sounds. There are all kinds if women with deep voices, but some people do focus on this.
Women's support groups and spaces can potentially be very welcoming, or very hostile depending on the people involved. There are women's spaces who accept trans women, but there are also those who do not. Try not to feel too bad on yourself if you find these spaces do not accept you, because it says nothing about you and everything about that space.
It's good to have friends, lovers and family who are also women, but cis women in particular are not always inherently safe to be around and can harm you. If you feel like the cis women around you are hurting you, you're allowed to say that they are. Cis women can be great allies and friends, but they are not inherently safer to be around than any other gender. You do not have to tell yourself they are not hurting you because women can't hurt each other. You do not have to convince yourself the pain isn't real because women are incapable of harming others. If you feel as though the cis women in your life are treating you badly, it's okay to talk about it and validate yourself in that you can genuinely be harmed by cis women and you do not have to downplay any of that pain whatsoever.
If you notice a lot of these things happening to you, It's more than okay to be angry at the shitty behaviors people may start showing you as a trans woman. It's okay to feel anger towards those actions and how people look down on women. It's okay to express your pain. It's okay to express worry and concern. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to not know what to do at first or in certain situations. It's okay to take a while to adjust to how people are treating you if it changes. As long as one doesn't direct that anger at people who haven't hurt them, there is nothing wrong with any of this.
now you may have a totally different experience depending on the people around you. there's no way to know exactly how people will treat you after coming out, so take things step by step, day by day. for your own mental health, try not to let yourself get too caught up in these things. it's great that you want to look out for potential danger! it's a very real issue, but your mental health is also super important and if you find that all you can think about is being in danger, you definitely deserve to find ways to alleviate that stress. take care of yourself when and where possible to make the experience more enjoyable.
tailor your experience in your home and personal life as much as you can to your liking. being out in public can be dangerous and scary, but you do deserve to be out somewhere, even if it's when it's just you alone in your room, talking to your friends. women, especially trans women, can be in a lot of potential danger at all times, but don't let yourself get consumed by fear all the time, as you deserve quality of life and you deserve to feel proud and euphoric about being a trans girl. you deserve validation and kindness. you deserve to feel good about yourself as a trans girl at some point, you don't have to go without that because cishet patriarchal society can be dangerous and hard.
i hope you find this even remotely helpful, i may not have been as informative as i'd like to be, but take care of yourself, okay? it's very good to want to learn the risks of what can potentially happen in society and being a woman in public. others are more than welcome to pitch in as well, please do so if you have tips & suggestions for this anon! take care for now, be good to yourself and remember that there's nothing wrong with being a woman, especially a trans woman. the people who don't like you don't define you: you do. you don't have to listen to them. they don't know who you really are.
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