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I was raised agnostic and tend to remain ambiguous on theological matters.
-but my house has a porch on the second story that affords me a terrific view of my neighborhood and the Colorado Front Range and I was partaking of some peace before the 4th Of July Finger-Loss Festivities begin, and I have had a
~*Spiritual Experience*~
I just watched my neighbor try to unload an actual wooden pallet that had to have been forklifted into the back of his insecurity pickup worth of fireworks.
Except that he does not have a forklift in his garage.
He does have so much sports memorabilia and cardboard boxes of unsold MLM Merchandise and patriotically themed camping gear and posters of women in bikinis and flags of suspect political organizations in his garage that there is only
BARELY
enough space for the fireworks
and certainly none for his truck.
So he had to unload the individual boxes of recreational explosives from the back of his truck and stack them in the minimal space he had cleared by hand.
This is a tedious and time-consuming process as this neighbor has purchased a wide variety of recreational and locally illegal explosives instead of many of just a few types, so the individual boxes are rather small.
He begins,
and this is crucial to what happens next,
by cutting apart the industrial-grade saran wrap his explosives dealer had so carefully wrapped his merchandise in, and discarded it
unsecured
on his lawn.
Where Outdoor Conditions sometimes happen.
His process for unloading the fireworks is to
1. Climb up through the gate into the bed of his pickup truck (a feat made unusually difficult due to the slope of his driveway, and this man's fascinating decision to wear the world's Siffest and least Flexible Denim Overalls.
2. Once in the pickup bed, he selects ONE (1) box from the pile
He is apparently from a niche religious institution that doesn't believe in stacking things.
3. Carries it awkwardly around the palette that barely fits in the truck bed
4. His wife yells "Be careful!" when he nearly falls out of the pickup.
5. He Yells "SHADDUP!" back at her.
6. The Large German Shepherd barks from inside the house.
7. He yells "SHADDUP!" back at her too.
8. He sets the (1) box down on the gate
9. Slowly and awkwardly climbs out of the pickup bed
10. picks the box back up, and carries it into the garage.
Question: Aren't you going to help this poor man?
Answer: Absolutely Not.
There's four military veterans, MANY dogs, and several people with dementia in this neighborhood, all of whom are terrified by this chicanery every year and many neighbors have repeatedly asked him to maybe do the fireworks somewhere else.
(This is the Eighth Year Running he's held a major demolition event in his driveway, and for those of you who can do math, you may be able to guess the precipitating incident to this little ritual)
Additionally, I live in Colorado, a state marginally less prone to spontaneous and catastrophic conflagrations than a rotting grain silo, but only marginally.
Our recreational explosives laws are written accordingly.
I am in fact calling the Non Emergency line to report Fireworks violations, and reading off the brand labels to someone named Dorothy, who is gleefully totaling up a SPECTACULAR fine for my oblivious neighbor.
However, while I'm on the phone with Dorothy, I notice the wind begin to pick up.
and by "Notice" I mean "The Industrial Saran Wrap he left on his Lawn earlier is suddenly swept up about 100 feet into the air by an updraft intense enough to make my ears pop"
And by "Pick Up" I mean "I look up to see the sky has turned a fun and exciting shade of glass green, and the bottoms of the clouds are bumpy and rounded, and the overall effect is not unlike looking up through the bottom of the cup at God's Matcha Boba Tea."
For those of you who do not live in places with Inclement Weather, these conditions mean "You have about 30 seconds before a Major Meteorological Event Occurs."
I move under the eaves.
"Hang on Dorothy." I say, nose filling with Petrichor. "The show is about to be cancelled."
"Oh, that doesn't matter!" Dorothy cheerfully informs me. "It's illegal for him just to possess those, no matter if he actually gets to set them off or not."
"Terrific, because he's gotten maybe five boxes out of a hundred inside."
Sometimes,
the weather gods are Merciful and give you a verbal warning, typically in the kind of thunderclap that makes your ears ring.
The Gods were not merciful today.
It's not often that I am in the time, place, correct angle or in a properly observational frame of mind to see this,
But I got to see it today.
Huh. I thought. I've never seen a cloud just DIVE for the ground before.
Oh. I realized as it got closer.
That's RAIN.
Sometimes, a thunderstorm will form in such a way that the rain that would normally be distributed over an area of say,
five to tent square miles,
is instead concentrated into an area of say,
my neighborhood exactly.
So today, I was granted the rare privilege of being able to actually see the literal wall of water descend from On High and DIRECTLY onto my porch, my street, and my neighbor's truck, and his pile of unwrapped fireworks.
The sheer impact force of the downpour immediately scatters the teetering pile of fireworks boxes in the back of the truck, like the wrath of God striking down the tower of Babel.
Boxes tumble, then are washed out of the bed of the truck by the deluge.
Smaller Boxes are carried down the road in a little line by the stream forming in the gutter, like little impotent explosive ducklings.
My neighbor was definitely yelling something, but I could not hear what over the DEAFENING noise several million gallons of water makes upon high-speed contact with the earth's surface, but there was a lot of arm-waving and faces turning red as he went looking for the saran wrap that had probably blown to Nebraska by now, while his wife started disassembling the complex three-dimensional puzzle of interlocking material goods in search of a tarp.
They do not have a tarp.
They have one of those wretched Thin Blue Line flags though, and my neighbor jogs out in a futile effort to cover what's left in the truck.
Which is when the hail begins.
"HELLO?" Yelled Dorothy.
"HI!" I shouted. "WE'RE HAVING SOME WEATHER!"
"OH GOOD!" she shouts back. "WE NEED THE MOISTURE!"
I watch for a minute longer, but the loss was immediate and catastrophic- the hail is the size of marbles and dense and cares not for your pitiful cardboard and cellophane, ripping the boxes asunder and punching holes in the few things covered in plastic.
The colors on the Thin Blue Line Flag are seeping all over the remains of that it was supposed to protect in a particularly apt visual metaphor.
Not even the few boxes that made it into the garage are spared, as the German Shepherd escapes from indoors, and in an attempt to assist her humans, jumps directly into the small stack of not-yet-ruined boxes, scattering them into the driveway and deluge. She even picks one up so her humans will chase her around the yard, before dropping it in the gutter to be swept away.
So.
I was raised Agnostic
-but even I can recognize when God slaps someone upside the head and shouts "NO!" at them.
---
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see, Roland Emmerich is the better Stupid Summer Blockbuster Movie guy because Michael Bay definitely didn't add in a (platonic, friendly) gay kiss to any of his movies in their anniversary celebration editions (especially not between Jeff Goldblum and actual out gay actor Harvey Fierstein)
quod erat demonstratum
also yes Independence Day is a big loud stupid movie but it's a big loud stupid movie about a jewish nerd with SUCH severe ADHD he misses the apocalypse starting and a black NASA-candidate fighter pilot who is getting engaged to his stripper girlfriend (who has a son from a previous marriage) (and who gets to inform the first lady of the US that she's an exotic dancer to burst her little neat bubble of political correctness) and puts in enough scenes between characters that you give a shit about those people
if you have to watch a big loud stupid movie, you can do much worse
also if you don't like this scene i don't like you. harry connick jr really said "my character is going to be a supportive drunk girl, a little obnoxious, and super into my best friend/wingman, and that's my entire character"
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things I love about my country, because it's the 4th of july and why shouldn't i get to love this country where i have lived for all my thirty years. he's the one who sucks
ice water
the common use of dryers for your clothes
carbon beach in malibu california
fall foliage in boston massachusetts
central AC
that thing where if you pump your arm at a passing 18 wheeler they'll honk their big loud horn just for fun
your ability to attend college/course of study/subsequent career isn't locked in by the results of one exam you take at 16 years old like in most of eurasia
that it's appropriate to wear blue jeans almost anywhere
rock music, and all its parent genres
these really beautiful string art earrings i bought on the agua caliente rez
mexican, italian, and chinese food all on the same street
no official national language or religion
how we smile too big and shake people's hands too hard and immediately give ourselves away in foreign countries by our gregariousness
broadway musicals
the james baldwin quote "i love america more than any other country in the world, and exactly for this reason, i insist on the right to criticize her perpetually." actually james baldwin in general. he was so fucking rad even when he got too drunk at parties and screamed at other guests about their systematic white privilege in a way that brought the vibe down. because that's also deeply american
17. the way that when the monroeville council ordered the library to take down the pride display of childrens books the librarians read them all for storytime cover to cover
18. the sensory rooms at the pittsburgh airport
19. my grandfather
20. the protestors standing at the corner day in and day out
21. little free libraries
22. the neighbor at my old house who was just so unfailingly nice
23. the random immigrant communities. pittsburgh has a huge (proportionate to the population of bhutan) bhutanese community. why? who knows
24. the fact that george washington wrote a letter to a bunch of scared jews and said that america wasn't going to be like europe and we could be safe here and so far it hasn't been like europe not really
25. the view you get driving around pittsburgh because you'll just be going to some random game store and then you'll be like dang this is beautiful
26. because i was born here
27. we have birthright citizenship
28. the book loft of german village in columbus ohio
29. striking up a conversation with someone who you don't know and complimenting them on things and you can just. do that.
30. the immigrants who believe in america even when we don't believe in ourselves. who come to america even when we're convinced there's nothing good here.
32. American foodways being complex, beautiful, and informed by EVERYONE who lives here.
33. Frybread.
34. Related, Navajo tacos. So fucking good.
35. Fireflies on a soft June night
36. The calling boom of massive summer storms that rise above the prairies as far as the eye can see.
37. The Rockies. The Uintahs. The remains of Lake Bonneville. The majesty of mountains that have always known people.
38. The dedicated coalition of people determined to bring back the American Bison- related, every video of them roaming free and thriving.
39. American and Mexican flag crossed pins on airport workers in silent but visible protest in SLC, because it was Mexico first and some of us do remember that fact.
40. Every little old boomer lady who comes to my library to make protest signs, because she's done it all before and by god, she'll do it again.
41. The Book Cliffs.
42. New Orleans Mardi Gras.
43. The indomitable spirit of Detroit.
44. Y'all.
45. Mukuntuweap/Loogoon/Zion National Park
46. Gas station employees calling you darling, sweetheart, and honey.
47. Bruce Springsteen and Clarence Clemons.
48. The dedication to fixing what we fucked up environmentally. Even the stodgy old conservative farmers by my uncle's house want to do better, and we have! We can do it! We can!
49. Dark sky parks.
50. Every single person who worked, fought, bled, and died, and more importantly continues to do so to ensure EVERYONE gets a vote, because they dare to believe in the ideal that all men are created equal means ALL, no matter what those old ass dudes in wigs intended. We have so far to go. The work continues regardless.
something something extremely sexy when magic users resort to physical violence. yeah i have the power of god and anime on my side but i also have THESE HANDS. i cast Punch You In The Face. i take my magic staff through which i channel the vast energies of the elements and the cosmos and i cast Severe Concussion And Skull Fracture. casting time for xenoglossy too long, chose the quicker route of Stab You In The Throat.
I heard they're planning to maintain their levitation rites with autonomous constructs from now on, saying wizards are going to be totally obsolete within the season... so, ah, I'd invest in falling island insurance.
[Image ID: Tumblr tags reading: #Ironically the castle has only stayed floating because Archmage Dave was holding all the institutional knowledge from the original team #and also maintaining the Levitation Widget which is crucial to maintaining the gyroscrope spells that stop the castle from flipping over #anyway Dave was axed because he wasn't 'innovating' #because instead he spent all day every day maintaining the Widget #hope His Majestoy enjoys sitting in his throne while his house does a barrel roll /End ID]
The recent hot VS cold polls have made me realise that a lot of people have no idea how to cool down.
As someone from a hot country that's regularly on fire, here's some tips:
WATER IS YOUR FRIEND! WATER! IS! YOUR! FRIEND! You can transfer SO much heat into this bad boy! You cannot cool down without water!
Wrists under the cold tap. Splash your face and the back of your neck. Fan yourself.
In some countries you can buy a little handeld fan with a water sprayer.
Damp tea towel around the neck. Stick an ice pack in there on hotter days.
Half fill a water bottle with water, stick in freezer. If you use a bottle with a straw, make sure it's lying on its side with the straw side up and out of the water. When frozen top up the rest of the way with tap water and off you go.
Desperate to cool off? Wet T-shirt. Sit in front of a fan. This will nuke it, just don't get hypothermia and don't fall asleep like this.
Cold showers are also your friend in summer. Some people get psyched up by these. Personally, I sleep like a baby, so I'm good to have them before bed. Just keep in mind that it takes a bit of time for the cool to circulate, so your body will tell you that you're colder than you actually are. I find that when I have cold showers I need to step out of the spray when I think I'm cold... I'll just wait, and thirty seconds later the temperature has evened out and I actually need to step under again. Rinse and repeat until you maintain coolness even after stepping out for a bit.
If you can't do cold showers, turn the cold shower on anyway and just stick your arms under. When they're cold, lift your arms up above your head. The sensation of cool blood draining into your body is fucking weird and kinda unpleasant but less unpleasant than being hot.
Feet in a tub of water with ice. Blood naturally flows to your extremities when hot, so take advantage of this. If you don't have a tub of ice water, sticking a wet rag on your feet in front of the fan works too, it's the less powerful version of the wet T-shirt.
Drinks lots of water but make sure that water has electrolytes as well. Stay in the shade.
Keep air circulating. Fans don't actually cool rooms down, they just help transfer heat from your body to the moisture on your skin or the air via evaporative cooling.
Block north facing windows early in the morning so the sun doesn't get in. If you're in the northern hemisphere, this is opposite for you. Keep in mind that if your home is brick, the bricks will still heat up and slowly release heat into your home even after the sun goes down so this will only do so much.
If it's hotter inside than outside, close all your windows but two, making sure they're on opposite sides of the house/unit you're in. Point a fan out of one window, making sure that the doors between the rooms with the open windows are all open. This will help create a mini pressure system in your home, pulling cooler air in and pushing the hotter air out via the fan. Bonus points if you can get that fan high up where the hot air rises; even within a single room the top is much hotter than the air by the floor. Adjust the amount of open windows based on how many fans you have, but generally you want more windows with fans open than windows without fans to keep the pressure correct.
Obviously, use your common sense for these. Not everything WILL work for you, just use the stuff that does and adjust what needs to be adjusted. Some of these will be impossible to use in the workplace but others you can still use. Others are best used at home. If humidity impacts your ability to use any of these, get a dehumidifier if that's an option, or use more ice instead of evaporation.
Also keep in mind that the skinnier you are, the faster these will work. More fat means more insulation, means more heat, so you may need to be more patient with some of these or use them in combination.
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We need more women characters who are Male Protagonists. You know. Slightly haggard. She's splashing cold water on her face and gripping the edge of the sink staring in the mirror for a minute. She's coping badly with her deadwife
âThis country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal. To my mind, that is whatâs known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit.â - George Carlin
âŚPolitiFact going through history to fact check this guy was like that time CNN went through history to dig up dirt on Bernie, and all they found were videos of him planting trees, and telling kids that racism is bad.
me: "have they tried not being fucking ignorant religious bigots?"
article: âI suspect that a bit of the steam has gone out of the LGBT thing,â Backman told the right-wing outlet, staying ahead of the issue. âThere may be the odd protester, but if they have got armies of PR people laser-focused on that then I suspect it may be OK.â
The thing that pisses me off the most though is the fact I know so many LGBTQ+ individuals that still go there, and they are surprised when I actually don't. It's literally like that tweet.
letâs talk about how they made it impossible to function without a phone and digitalised everything and then turned around and went âactually! these phone things arenât safe for kids but itâs magically ok once youâre eighteen. guess youâll have to have your life dictated by your parents now lol cause weâre gonna take the devices away from you. ITâS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD WHY ARE YOU COMPLAININGâ
ok my apologies. take away my ability to buy anything too ig because these fuckass stores donât accept cash anymore. take away my ability to communicate with people outside my house and school because I canât text and I canât email and I cant drive to them either and I canât even fucking get public transport without a phone either. canât order at a fucking restaurant without being asked to get a membership and install an app and also very sorry but you can only order through our online menu now! have you ever considered that itâs not just about instagram?
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Honestly if you say or do something strange, an employee probably WILL tell all their coworkers about it all day, however theyâll basically never remember it was you specifically and instead just a faceless âcustomerâ amalgamation of every time someone said something to them. Plus youâre giving them enrichment and something to mutually bond over. So really youâre doing an important service by being a little awkward.
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