Make Art, Not War

"Good Morning, Rose"

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Recently a non-Jewish friend asked for my opinions about bagels. Thus have I endeavored below to record the fundamental truths of my religion. Other Jews with differing regional and culinary minhags are welcome to make their own post.

BEST BAGEL FLAVORS: (in no particular order) sesame, poppyseed, onion, garlic, egg. Consider the toppings you're choosing as well.

THE EVERYTHING BAGEL: Like pumpkin spice, a creative flavor somewhat overexposed. A reliable choice if you fear the bagel is mediocre, as the spice combination may mask other flaws.

CINNAMON RAISIN/BLUEBERRY/SWEET BAGELS: Foolish. Cinnamon raisin bread already exists, why sully a bagel with it?

'RAINBOW' BAGELS: Marketing trick.

CREAM CHEESE FLAVORS: Plain, scallion, or vegetable only. Lox spreads are inevitably a mistake, because if the fish were good quality, they wouldn't waste it on a mix-in. Strawberry cream cheese is for children. Other flavors are for apostates and heretics.

DEPTH OF THE 'SCHMEAR': Not thicker than the height of one bagel half, or the length of your thumbnail.

LOX: Of course, if it's fresh. If the deli calls it "Nova" or "Gravlox", you're in good hands. (Whitefish: yes. Herring: better on crackers.)

CAPERS: Yes, if assembling the works (lox, tomato, red onion...)

TO TOAST OR NOT TO TOAST? Contextual. Toasting a freshly-baked bagel is a sin. Toasting a stale or sub-par bagel is a necessity.

SUPERMARKET BAGELS: Pointless. Just buy a loaf of bread instead.

SUPERMARKET CREAM CHEESE: Perfectly reasonable, but if you're catering an event you will save the stress of broken plastic knives if you buy whipped instead of block.

NEW YORK BAGELS: You can find excellent bagels outside of New York and you can certainly have disappointing bagels in New York, but the best bagels in NYC are better than anywhere else. Sorry.

MONTREAL BAGELS: A separate food group to be evaluated on its own terms, as deep-dish pizza is to thin-crust margherita. When in Montreal, I did not enjoy mine but that was an error of perspective, not of the bagel. I hope to visit again someday and correct this.

Yesterday I saw a mother with a baby carriage, being followed by a girl of about 4-6 years old on a bicycle. The kid started ringing her bike bell like RING RING RING RING RING RING RING, and the mother turned to look behind them to see whether they were being followed by a cyclist who desperately needs to pass them for the sake of everyone's safety.

And the little girl - who just rang the goddamn bell herself 5 seconds ago - also turned to look.

me and my brother later had a small discussion about whether that could happen randomly (conclusion: no, he probably had to file papers or something) and whether daniel should now be referred to as dad’s ex-husband (conclusion: yes but only to see the face he’ll make) but at no point did we find it like... alarming? the world is big and weird. we were used to it.

What, a man can’t air out in the comfort of his own home after a hot day in LA?He can’t have a few drinks, or ten, and forget about all his prior engagements?

""Why you ask?" he says, and the translation computer is across the room by now, so I primarily hear it in his own voice, an octave below where it would usually be. He taps the question-particle with one claw, bop bop, into the flesh of my arm. "Want big strong sexy Eridian to hold you down?" Tap tap, again, and I can almost feel the point of that claw through the xenonite. I think it feels sharp."

Look I did say I'll take a break but then @twwings wrote T’hy’la and it's literally the scenario I've been thinking about since phm came out, down to Rocky pinning Grace's thigh to the side. What am I supposed to do, not draw something for this fantastically written, funny and really really hot fic?? Please.

you all do not understand I have been a huge fan of @chernozemm for YEARS AND YEARS and now they have ILLUSTRATED ONE OF MY FICS and I am gonna have to get up and run around in circles like an overstimulated chihuahua I am SO HAPPY