sing out, louise

The process is actually quite sophisticated, and requires the presence of a full-grown goth to trigger it. A pupal-stage proto-goth, at this point completely indistinguishable from any other small human child, only needs to encounter a mature specimen once - and while the initial imprinting that ensues will only take seconds, the incubation period often takes more than a decade, even several.

The first visible step of the transformation is triggered when the dormant goth suddenly gains awareness that they have free will and can do whatever they want with their appearance. While the progress may be gradual, or seem like the transformation happened all at once overnight, the initial seed was planted years ago. And now, in full bloom, a fully-fledged mature adult goth may finally be happy.

And I asked, “Why can’t you?”

I’m pretty sure that was the first time she’d ever realized that she was an adult, with a job, who could make her own decisions about herself.

A few weeks later, at the same store, I overheard one of the employees telling one of the other cashiers that he still didn’t know what happened with her, but she showed up to a shift dressed completely different, had changed her hair and makeup, and just said, “I hate this job, I quit,” and walked out.

Recently a non-Jewish friend asked for my opinions about bagels. Thus have I endeavored below to record the fundamental truths of my religion. Other Jews with differing regional and culinary minhags are welcome to make their own post.

BEST BAGEL FLAVORS: (in no particular order) sesame, poppyseed, onion, garlic, egg. Consider the toppings you're choosing as well.

THE EVERYTHING BAGEL: Like pumpkin spice, a creative flavor somewhat overexposed. A reliable choice if you fear the bagel is mediocre, as the spice combination may mask other flaws.

CINNAMON RAISIN/BLUEBERRY/SWEET BAGELS: Foolish. Cinnamon raisin bread already exists, why sully a bagel with it?

'RAINBOW' BAGELS: Marketing trick.

CREAM CHEESE FLAVORS: Plain, scallion, or vegetable only. Lox spreads are inevitably a mistake, because if the fish were good quality, they wouldn't waste it on a mix-in. Strawberry cream cheese is for children. Other flavors are for apostates and heretics.

DEPTH OF THE 'SCHMEAR': Not thicker than the height of one bagel half, or the length of your thumbnail.

LOX: Of course, if it's fresh. If the deli calls it "Nova" or "Gravlox", you're in good hands. (Whitefish: yes. Herring: better on crackers.)

CAPERS: Yes, if assembling the works (lox, tomato, red onion...)

TO TOAST OR NOT TO TOAST? Contextual. Toasting a freshly-baked bagel is a sin. Toasting a stale or sub-par bagel is a necessity.

SUPERMARKET BAGELS: Pointless. Just buy a loaf of bread instead.

SUPERMARKET CREAM CHEESE: Perfectly reasonable, but if you're catering an event you will save the stress of broken plastic knives if you buy whipped instead of block.

NEW YORK BAGELS: You can find excellent bagels outside of New York and you can certainly have disappointing bagels in New York, but the best bagels in NYC are better than anywhere else. Sorry.

MONTREAL BAGELS: A separate food group to be evaluated on its own terms, as deep-dish pizza is to thin-crust margherita. When in Montreal, I did not enjoy mine but that was an error of perspective, not of the bagel. I hope to visit again someday and correct this.

Definitely a taxonomic difference, because here in the USA capers and peppers refer to unrelated foods! Capers look a lot like green peppercorns (small round tasty) but they come from the caper bush, not a pepper plant.