1. You matter. You matter because you matter because you are a person. Dog wolf person, person all the same. Even if you never pass! Your worth is not your ability to pass, your worth is not your gender, its simply that you exist and youre alive. That is a worth every single person has no matter what kind of person they are, and nothing and no one can ever take that way.
2. Meeting you where youre at that your reason for living is helping trans guys - you will help many more of us much more effectively if you look after yourself, live longer, have more time to help more people, more time to build you skills and experiences and resources. You'll help more people and you'll have more to give, and those more people will pay it forward and you'll help exponentially more people than if you deny your needs and burn out in a flash. Sure you can empty your cup and be done, but if you keep refilling your cup you can keep sharing over and over and over. You can do so much more that way.
3. It does not help anyone for you to sacrifice yourself. Idk what part of the internet phrasing like "nonpassing twinkhon" comes from but with genuinely all due respect it doesnt sound like a place thats healthy to hang out. Nothing good comes of talking about yourself that way. And you deserve good. You deserve care and respect and safety and support. You deserve to feel like your life is a good thing on its own, for you. You can still go for a walk and feel the wind in your hair and eat good food. Hopefully you can still find ways to ease your dysphoria. Its not over for you yet. Its better for everyone the longer you stick around.
We cant undo and redo the past, but the future isnt written yet. We dont get the time back, we dont get to undo our first puberty no matter how much we want to. And thats scary and it sucks and it can feel wasted. But the future is still ours to shape.
Ive struggled to feel like life was worth living. Ive had days I could barely imagine surviving the next hour, nevermind the next day or week. Days that were just passing the time to pass time. And eventually I got help and I hauled ass out of that pit and it was one of the hardest things Ive ever done. And sometimes I see the pit looming again. And that was before so many good things in my life, it was before I even knew I was queer, it was before Id ever had a pet. Every good day I have now, I am so so grateful to the me that stayed alive, some days passing time minute by minute, when I could barely even imagine neutrality that wasnt numb or painful, because I stubbornly slogged through, life is so much better now than I ever would have known.
I cant know your pain exactly but I do know pain. Hell, even with my chronic pain health bullshit now, life is still better than it was before. Its definitrly not all joy but there is joy. It can get so much better if you just stick around to see and to make it so.
Like do I wish I could trade back for when my body was more functional? Absolutely. Would I take that if it came with landing back in that pit and having to climb back out of it again? Noooooo. But I am trying to throw you down a ladder, or at least a light. Its so much work and its so worth it. Its good to be alive. You can do so much more good when youre alive. Please dont burn yourself out down there. Please climb your way out so you can throw out ropes for others too, or just live better because you deserve that on your own.
My DMs are open if you want, Ill reply as energy permits.
