Ive needed help and not asked for it because I couldnt bring myself to perform my suffering that way, the "legit" organisations were already combing through my bank accounts, you know how difficult that is? I had someone doing that type of testing ask why id just bought good shoes instead of getting cheap crap. Well because they kept my feet dry and warm and that was I look for in a shoe in winter. Why should I waste money on cheap crap that wont even do the job, Id still have nothing to wear! But this stranger had to have an opinion on how I spent my money - sensibly!! - because I was poor and begging for help. Cold wet feet for less money that'll work badly for a month is not a better use of my money thanks. And I didnt make this up bc of the discworld quote its just how it happened.
Theres also the expectation that you list all your marginalizations so people will feel sorry for how disadvantaged you are, like the more you can rack up those oppressions points the more deserving you are of help. Well thats nobodies fucking business! I have to perform my suffering adequately and hand out a list of all the ways you can most easily hurt me, and I need to attach my name and face so I seem personable like a real human so you'll pity me and throw $3 my way?
For a brief time I did do some of that and you know what I learned? Strangers love to share a link and pat themselves on the back and feel good about their good deed. The only money I ever got was from friends and aquaintances. Im here because some of those people who knew me were deeply deeply generous to me. Over a handful of years, Id say less than ten strangers ever donated and it was never more than $20. Which was useful. Im grateful. I do not understand how people have survival gofundmes, I used to have complicated feelings about pleas re "barely anyones donated this week the money is drying up" like what do you mean drying up this week, I havent gotten anything in 6 months I need to go beg my friends again and hope someone has something.
It is already so difficult to be poor and desperate and exhausted and hungry and scared every minute of every day. Then to get any help you have to sacrifice every scrap of privacy or dignity to strangers who will deliberate if you fit their very specific criteria or if they'll refer you on to another organisation that doesnt do what you need, or doesnt serve your exact population "but just try anyway". Sometimes they all but tell you "we are the floorboard and we dont look after you, heres the crack please quietly fall through".
And then a lot of supports, particularly food, you have to show up at a particular time and place. Dont have money for transport? Too bad. Dont have mobility to get there or carry heavy vegetables home? Too bad.
Ive been to a "pay what you can/pay forward for the next person" restaurant event where the organisers kept dropping heavy hints of the atm is over there pay for someone else if you can :). I was there to be paid for! I was there because I had no money and they said be welcome have something to eat! And this asshole kept prompting me to hand over cash!
Some of my friends talk about this as a pitfall some synagogues have. Theyll talk big about charity and helping your neighbour and they'll have all these programs, but it never seems to occur to them that its people in their own community who need help, tzedaka is about helping Other people, of course membership is expensive what you can do we need money to run. Anyone who cant afford to pay is welcome to speak with the administrators in charge. Ok Im looking for a new synagogue and my first conversation has to be hello Im poor? Not hello whats your minhag, what do you focus on, no it has to be hi can come for a prayer without signing up as a member? Or hi Im interested in this community Ive been here five times im too poor for membership though? Can there not be some built in system so people dont have to come begging? (Not every synagogue is like this, i dont want to misrepresent, but it is something ive run into. Judaism does have some really good.models of communal help/mutual aid I just dont have capacity to go into that now.).
Its already so awful to never have enough and never feel like your needs are or can be or will be met. On top of that to have no privacy or dignity in the hopes you might get help, and I have to assume most people dont get much help if theyre not well known and liked. Its so bad. It should not be a contest, of suffering or popularity or marginalization. There needs to be better systems. Idk what that should or could look like. I just know theres plenty of room for improvement.
