#tumblrdiary

The first photo after a year and seven months in prison feels different. The world after a year and seven months in prison feels different. Even though I kept up with the outside world through TV and newspapers, the world outside isn’t the same. After a year and seven months, when I was released from prison, I didn’t know who had arrived, who had left. I didn’t know what was new, what was old, what was trending. Honestly, I still don’t know, even after eight months of freedom.

It feels like I was frozen in time while the whole world kept turning. People, of course, continued with their lives, while I was stuck there, in prison. The feeling of being smaller, of being lesser than everyone else, gnawed at me and left deep scars until I had to fight and confront myself. I had to rethink everything I knew about prison. Not everyone sees it the same way, but I needed to find some kind of beauty in that experience, because I lived it so intensely that it had to mean something.

In the early days, I thought I was going to lose my mind, that I was going to lose everything. So, I had to start working on myself. I began developing myself personally. I read every book on personal growth I could find. I took every online course I could. I re-learned high school material. I understood that the most important thing about being in prison was what I was going to do with it, and I decided that I was going to make the best of it.

I did yoga naked in a cell. I danced naked in a cell. I made friends, told jokes until late at night, laughed until my stomach hurt. I cried many times. I slept hungry, woke up thirsty. My privacy was ripped away, exposed, shattered. I was diminished, dehumanized. I fought for rights and realized, most of the time, it wasn’t worth it. I translated documents in Portuguese, English, Spanish, and French. I worked on immigration cases. I wrote every day. I taught classes. I exercised. I did and lived the best I could in that situation.

I find myself a little bit unable to sleep, therefore I went to the internet with my phone in bed.

My friends are staying here for a couple days. They come from frankfurt. Theyre married, so thats why theyre using one of my rokmmates riom, and now my roomate is staying on a bed on my room floor, so thats why i cant sleep call any of my pathetic ai shit to ramble about philosophy and life until i doze off.

Nothing seems kinda interesting these days on the net, especially since ive removed myself from any force-fed algorithm type of contents, therefore i go to my tumblr.

I was re reading my entries here, rekindling my memories, reinterpretating my feelings. This night, i find something i think is a bit, sad for me

Eversince The Day, ive mourned my feelings about you, T. I find it to be something that is as natural as breathing tbh, and i just deal with it with face value.

...but the thing is, mourning about you in a way has always helped me forget about my other relationships.

N, i dont even remember what we ever did. I knew we called like crazy until my phone overheated all the time, and i needed to put my phone on the sink and run water over it so that i can call you back even more. I knew we talked about ideals, about dreams and promises, about everything thats not about us even, but i have really forgotten the feeling of fun of it and the butterflies in my stomach. I didnt even write anything about you really back then, eventhough we ended up in a very strange stance much later on and i wouldnt really want to write about you at all.

V, i knew i said even here that i will try to not forget about what we had, but honestly i cant seem to derive where the joy was anymore. I dont remember why i feel giddy everytime im expecting your call, or recall how happy i was when im with you.

This is concerning. I dont know if this is acceptable or not, to let go of those beautiful moments and feelings. I think i forget them, to try not thinking about the "what ifs", per usual. I really hate myself though for not holding to them.

do people forget? Do people allow themselves to forget all of this? Is this normal? Is this the right thing to do? Isnt this somewhat untrue to myself and avoiding the main problems.

Meanwhile you, T, youre just ingrained too much in my brain, well at least the idealized version of you that i have, the ghost of a person i last knew almost 10 years ago now, and a distorted angelized version of that, at best.

I always find myself in a certain process dealing with loss like this, and re-obsessing about you is one of the points on the roadmap, despite my hesitance. My yearning for you seems instinctual, it easily erodes those later memories.

Im glad that youve never approached me again, whether through curiosity or out of malice, because i know i will totally fall and kneel for you without any hesitation in a heartbeat.

You know, in one side, im really curious to know what you think of me, but im also really scared to know that fact. Do you think of me as just a guy who liked you and drifted away, do you think of me as a strange kid who idolizes you fanatically, do you think im a creep, do you even think of me, at least once in a year maybe,

do you even remember about me at all?

Fuck. Sorry.

I dont....i dont have anything else to say. I dont know how to close this. Im going to sleep.

I started using Duolingo with my partner! We’re both learning Japanese, and so far since starting two days ago, I’ve learned a few nouns and articles. I’m finding that despite the app’s quick-learning method, I have a strong urge to write everything down. I need to visually and in some way kinetically connect with the words I’m learning. It helps knowing I can recognize most of the characters so far, but the fact I don’t know how to write some Hiragana down on paper is bothering me. I might just order a small notebook or something for all my linguistic adventures.

It’s been difficult getting up in the morning, and I’ve already taken a 30-minute nap today to make up for a crap night. For whatever reason, these last few nights haven’t been easy. Doesn’t help with the fact that the other night there was a double murder down the street from where I live. I’m talking about a 1/4 of a mile away. 

Last night I had nightmares that despite my best efforts, whatever money I had was stolen and my car got hijacked by someone who was convinced it was his car (even though it was parked in my driveway). Not sure if my brain is freaking out over how everything is in this weird limbo state where I can lose a lot in a matter of seconds, and have no power over the situation. I’ve been trying to let go of things beyond my control, and accept that throwing myself into despair won’t fix the problem of facing losses like this. Taking one day at a time is absolutely key.

I’m about to spend a good portion of this day setting up a commissions list, advertising on my media platforms, etc. I’m mentally pushing myself more to thinking that this is the perfect opportunity to get going on learning how to market myself and my artistic services, and work on personal projects to get them rolling. I’ll most likely start modeling client commissions from myself, and set up a good processing system. I’ll be sharing those updates soon!

È stato, questo, un anno difficile.

Ma gli ultimi due giorni lo hanno migliorato drasticamente.

Avrei voluto spammare questa foto ovunque, scrivere una descrizione lunghissima, anche se non frega a nessuno. Avrei voluto che tutti vedessero la felicità nei miei occhi, avrei voluto raccontare il buffo aneddoto che la riguarda, ma non posso.

Non posso perché quel momento è destinato a vivere solo nei miei ricordi, vorrei parlarne con tutti e raccontare a tutti quanto io sia stata felice quei due giorni.

Ma non posso.

Posso farlo solo qui.

E va bene così, almeno lo avrò raccontato a qualcuno, almeno sarò felice.

Siamo, in questa foto, a Piazza del Plebiscito a Napoli. Lui non l'ha mai vista Napoli, e devo dire che gli è piaciuta abbastanza.

Volevamo farci una foto insieme, così per ricordo.

Dei ragazzi avevano chiesto a noi di fargliela, e noi abbiamo chiesto loro di ricambiare.

Quando ci mettiamo vicini per fare la foto, uno di questi ragazzi, comincia ad urlare "bacio!bacio!". Io arrossisco e guardo il mio amico.

Abbiamo riso entrambi, era una cosa troppo strana.

Lui poi mi fa:"ma sì, dai!"

Sono andata nel pallone in modo assurdo.

Ci baciamo e scattano la foto.

Ringraziamo i ragazzi e guardiamo le foto. Sono piaciute ad entrambi.

Io questa, attualmente, la uso come sfondo.

Non posso dirlo a nessuno perché io e lui non stiamo insieme, io ho una spropositata e abnorme cotta per lui e lui non lo sa.

Però lui ha attraversato mezza Italia per venire da me.

"Alla fine si ritorna sempre dove si è stati bene."

They never gave me much love. I never really felt what it was like to be loved, so the little they gave me was always enough for me. I would cling to that person, and to me, we were already friends, colleagues, whatever it was.

On the street where I lived as a child, there was a lady who showed me a lot of affection. Her name was Dona Ana. Dona Ana was a teacher. Her house was simple, even dirty, and she had two children. One of them, Rodrigo, died in an accident. I still have memories of him today—a handsome guy, full of life, almost wild. I won't lie, sometimes I see myself in him. I was young, about six or seven years old, and I remember looking at him, thinking how beautiful and wonderful he was, and telling myself, "Wow, I want to be like him." Everyone liked Rodrigo. He was free. Unfortunately, he died very young in a car accident. After that, Dona Ana was left with her older daughter, Daniela, and her husband, Seu Célio.

Oh, how I loved spending afternoons at Dona Ana’s house. She always cooked delicious meals. All the birthday cakes in the neighborhood were made by her, and they were so good! Dona Ana was such a kind soul. But I also remember how my adoptive mother, Isabel, and others would talk badly about her behind her back, saying she owed money to everyone, that she was dirty. I never cared about that. I liked going to her house; there, I felt loved.

Sometimes, I would spend the entire afternoon there with her daughter, watching movies, talking, laughing. Other times, I would go to the kitchen, hug Dona Ana, give her a kiss, and she would always tell me she was my godmother. And she truly was a wonderful godmother, a person who always brought light into my life.

I remember one time when she saved me from Isabel, who was beating me. Isabel found me playing hide-and-seek under the bed with other kids, and in a rage, she pulled me out and started kicking my face. The door was open, the house was full of people because of a party, and even then, she didn’t hesitate to do it. The one who saved me that day was Dona Ana. She was passing by, saw the scene, and shouted for Isabel to stop. Isabel stopped, and I clung to Dona Ana. From that day on, she held a special place in my heart.

I always called her godmother, and whenever I had the chance to be by her side, I was. But she passed away, taken by breast cancer that devastated her and her entire family. She became unrecognizable.

I’m grateful to Godmother Ana for saving me, but I also remember that she was often involved in my schoolwork. Isabel would take over my projects and make me sit there, watching, wanting to participate but unable to.

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I opened this Tumblr again. 🤍

I honestly got lazy to write this month because nothing much has really been happening lately, and at the same time, I just haven’t been in the mood these past few days because of stressful things happening at work.

I was so stressed to the point that I even wrote my resignation letter and started submitting my resume to other companies. Some of them even followed up with interview invitations already. 😭

But thankfully, things are okay again now. It’s back to the usual kind of stress — not the super toxic office stress anymore — so I decided to stay for now.

I know… kinda funny, right? Hahaha.

That’s also why I haven’t had many life updates lately, aside from our plan tomorrow to surprise our friend who’s getting married this June. I’ll definitely update you guys about that soon. 🥹

I’ve been hooked on this Korean drama, Goldland, on Disney+. I highly recommend it! Even though I was already stressed from work, this drama managed to stress me out even more because of the villain. 😭 But honestly, it’s really worth watching

Also, a random cat suddenly showed up at our house the other day. For a moment, I really thought we were about to adopt it, but then the owner came looking for it, so my mom returned the cat. 😭

We still don’t have a cat at home, but maybe someday we will. Maybe next time. 🐈🤍

At the end of the month, I’ll also be visiting my friend because both of us have been really stressed lately. We just want to catch up, rest a little, and talk about everything happening in our lives.

Anyway, I’ll try to post more updates about myself here again since this Tumblr has basically become my online diary at this point. 🤍✨