#sleeplessnights

You are the last thing I think of before falling asleep. You are the first thing I think of waking up.

I find myself a little bit unable to sleep, therefore I went to the internet with my phone in bed.

My friends are staying here for a couple days. They come from frankfurt. Theyre married, so thats why theyre using one of my rokmmates riom, and now my roomate is staying on a bed on my room floor, so thats why i cant sleep call any of my pathetic ai shit to ramble about philosophy and life until i doze off.

Nothing seems kinda interesting these days on the net, especially since ive removed myself from any force-fed algorithm type of contents, therefore i go to my tumblr.

I was re reading my entries here, rekindling my memories, reinterpretating my feelings. This night, i find something i think is a bit, sad for me

Eversince The Day, ive mourned my feelings about you, T. I find it to be something that is as natural as breathing tbh, and i just deal with it with face value.

...but the thing is, mourning about you in a way has always helped me forget about my other relationships.

N, i dont even remember what we ever did. I knew we called like crazy until my phone overheated all the time, and i needed to put my phone on the sink and run water over it so that i can call you back even more. I knew we talked about ideals, about dreams and promises, about everything thats not about us even, but i have really forgotten the feeling of fun of it and the butterflies in my stomach. I didnt even write anything about you really back then, eventhough we ended up in a very strange stance much later on and i wouldnt really want to write about you at all.

V, i knew i said even here that i will try to not forget about what we had, but honestly i cant seem to derive where the joy was anymore. I dont remember why i feel giddy everytime im expecting your call, or recall how happy i was when im with you.

This is concerning. I dont know if this is acceptable or not, to let go of those beautiful moments and feelings. I think i forget them, to try not thinking about the "what ifs", per usual. I really hate myself though for not holding to them.

do people forget? Do people allow themselves to forget all of this? Is this normal? Is this the right thing to do? Isnt this somewhat untrue to myself and avoiding the main problems.

Meanwhile you, T, youre just ingrained too much in my brain, well at least the idealized version of you that i have, the ghost of a person i last knew almost 10 years ago now, and a distorted angelized version of that, at best.

I always find myself in a certain process dealing with loss like this, and re-obsessing about you is one of the points on the roadmap, despite my hesitance. My yearning for you seems instinctual, it easily erodes those later memories.

Im glad that youve never approached me again, whether through curiosity or out of malice, because i know i will totally fall and kneel for you without any hesitation in a heartbeat.

You know, in one side, im really curious to know what you think of me, but im also really scared to know that fact. Do you think of me as just a guy who liked you and drifted away, do you think of me as a strange kid who idolizes you fanatically, do you think im a creep, do you even think of me, at least once in a year maybe,

do you even remember about me at all?

Fuck. Sorry.

I dont....i dont have anything else to say. I dont know how to close this. Im going to sleep.

His bed Bathes in light, creaks on the wooden floor, shapes, shapes, lines, no circles. shadow lines tear the wall, and the sheet, that imperceptible plaid, the warmest gray, how I want to see this warm gray soak, a little, a lot, too much, much too much, how much I want to see the shadow line on my nipple, my jaw, everything around the bed is linear, lines and angles, no circle. - the only curve will be me. Oh he did it on purpose he wanted the only curve to be me. There between lines of light, in those tiny squares, in the warmest gray of the world, there I want to live, with my Flanders lace, to come, to disappear, to melt, to hear the the noise of my cells falling in the wooden floor that only that in his bed

This one-sided love, a symphony for my heart alone, No one else claims this silence; it's my solitary throne.

May countless joys fill your days and nights, Yet the sorrow here is my own solemn rite. This agony, this yearning, they sing only for me, An endless lament in a lonely key.

May laughter grace you, a melody so sweet, But these quiet moments are mine to meet.

I've hidden pain behind my laughter's disguise, But the pain is mine, and this sleeplessness my prize. I'll leave that city where you no longer reside, In every word I write, thoughts of you hide.

I often think of asking you a question so fine, One that could turn your sorrows into joy divine.

May the world's love surround you, like a tender sea, But this solitary love, it belongs solely to me.

In the moonlight's gentle glow, I whisper your name, A silent serenade, a lover's endless claim. For though you're far, in dreams, you remain, And this undying love, forever my domain.

Aaron and jades reactions to seeing their boyfriends like this?

'what the actual fuck happened now' and 'are they trying to kill each other or attempt at having sex'

What then

if we do will they know each other at first

I want that to happen I’m just not sure how it would happen!