#dear diary

so i fall asleep cold and wake up sweaty, i fall asleep with you and wake up alone, i fall asleep if i'm lucky enough to fall asleep at all, and wake up if i'm lucky enough to not sleep past my alarms again. this cycle isn't fun anymore. i imagine if you were here all the things we'd do and only do half of them half assed when the sun starts to set. this isn't fun anymore. but nothing ever is for more than a short burst, then back to you, explode, short burst, back again. cycling back around as if there was ever a circle to begin with and not just an aborted half moon dumping me off the edge every 6 months like some sort of sadistic clockwork. i climb back on as if i expect something to change and blame a different crater for tripping me even though this whole time i've been on the same old train tracks as the first ride, no new sights. 

but what would you do/be/care without me? nothing and everything, the possibility to fold in on yourself and finally get a chance to really exist. but i couldn't stand to watch you implode. and i love the moon too much to leave Her. an impasse except i make the choice every day, carved so deep inside me it hasn't felt like a choice in a long time, no one to snap me out of it and only my own careful attentive thoughts to keep me strapped in.