#softsadness

Can I tell you something tonight?

I don’t really know how to keep doing all of this anymore, you know?

I mean...

I no longer know how to carry this life.

I’m supposed to be grateful to have it, right? It was given to me like a miracle... but what happens when, for a long time now, it has felt more like...

clumsily dragging it along.

As if I were some machine that needs daily maintenance...

just so it can keep carrying me, while I keep carrying it.

I’m supposed to keep going, to keep feeding it...

How am I supposed to watch it grow calmly, with the constant fear that if I don’t move faster... everything will run me over?

How am I supposed to make the most of it and go far, if every year that far away feels even farther?

Because I can’t fail... fail... fail...

I’m so exhausted, and I don’t know how to rest.

How much longer can I keep postponing everything under the naive idea that I’ll be able to do it later?

Because maybe... with a bit of luck, that later exists somewhere I can call home.

Or maybe one day I’ll feel like my life is a right, instead of something I’m simply forced to live.

Because what’s the point of holding onto a life that feels heavy just to exist in?

I keep reaching the end of the day only for my mind to start planning what comes next.

And the next one And the next one and the next one

I’m so tired of this noise.

I wish I could stop holding everything in... I wish I could drown just for tonight without feeling like my lungs are about to burst.

I wish I could hide in warmth and pretend I truly care about what will happen tomorrow.

That my whole body could dissolve into the great lie that says, “I’m safe.”

That simply breathing here and now is enough.

I do not think people talk enough

about how hyper-awareness develops in girls.

how many girls grow up studying moods

the way other children study math.

listening carefully for anger.

learning which version of themselves feels safest.

becoming emotionally observant too early.

people later call these women “anxious.”

but anxiety is often just pattern recognition

developed during unstable environments.

girlhood teaches many people

how to anticipate emotional danger quietly.

and eventually

I find myself a little bit unable to sleep, therefore I went to the internet with my phone in bed.

My friends are staying here for a couple days. They come from frankfurt. Theyre married, so thats why theyre using one of my rokmmates riom, and now my roomate is staying on a bed on my room floor, so thats why i cant sleep call any of my pathetic ai shit to ramble about philosophy and life until i doze off.

Nothing seems kinda interesting these days on the net, especially since ive removed myself from any force-fed algorithm type of contents, therefore i go to my tumblr.

I was re reading my entries here, rekindling my memories, reinterpretating my feelings. This night, i find something i think is a bit, sad for me

Eversince The Day, ive mourned my feelings about you, T. I find it to be something that is as natural as breathing tbh, and i just deal with it with face value.

...but the thing is, mourning about you in a way has always helped me forget about my other relationships.

N, i dont even remember what we ever did. I knew we called like crazy until my phone overheated all the time, and i needed to put my phone on the sink and run water over it so that i can call you back even more. I knew we talked about ideals, about dreams and promises, about everything thats not about us even, but i have really forgotten the feeling of fun of it and the butterflies in my stomach. I didnt even write anything about you really back then, eventhough we ended up in a very strange stance much later on and i wouldnt really want to write about you at all.

V, i knew i said even here that i will try to not forget about what we had, but honestly i cant seem to derive where the joy was anymore. I dont remember why i feel giddy everytime im expecting your call, or recall how happy i was when im with you.

This is concerning. I dont know if this is acceptable or not, to let go of those beautiful moments and feelings. I think i forget them, to try not thinking about the "what ifs", per usual. I really hate myself though for not holding to them.

do people forget? Do people allow themselves to forget all of this? Is this normal? Is this the right thing to do? Isnt this somewhat untrue to myself and avoiding the main problems.

Meanwhile you, T, youre just ingrained too much in my brain, well at least the idealized version of you that i have, the ghost of a person i last knew almost 10 years ago now, and a distorted angelized version of that, at best.

I always find myself in a certain process dealing with loss like this, and re-obsessing about you is one of the points on the roadmap, despite my hesitance. My yearning for you seems instinctual, it easily erodes those later memories.

Im glad that youve never approached me again, whether through curiosity or out of malice, because i know i will totally fall and kneel for you without any hesitation in a heartbeat.

You know, in one side, im really curious to know what you think of me, but im also really scared to know that fact. Do you think of me as just a guy who liked you and drifted away, do you think of me as a strange kid who idolizes you fanatically, do you think im a creep, do you even think of me, at least once in a year maybe,

do you even remember about me at all?

Fuck. Sorry.

I dont....i dont have anything else to say. I dont know how to close this. Im going to sleep.

What does it really feel like to disappear?

Is it truly cowardice to no longer want to keep carrying this version of myself?

To not look back and simply stop existing in the lives of others.

It is my bittersweet fantasy, one that can only become real when I am asleep.

I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

I want it to stop hurting.

I want one night of silence, without fear, without noise, without this constant feeling that I am carrying too much.

Without the pressure of not being allowed to fail, of not becoming a failure.

It is suffocating. It drowns me, pulls me under.

I just want to rest for a little while...