#writingformyself

Compassion is resistance.

Standing up for yourself is resistance.

Resting when you need it is resistance.

Practicing self-reliance is resistance.

Accepting and asking for help from people you can trust is resistance.

When you are surrounded by the dark, shining an unyielding light is the surest way to pierce the curtain.

I find myself a little bit unable to sleep, therefore I went to the internet with my phone in bed.

My friends are staying here for a couple days. They come from frankfurt. Theyre married, so thats why theyre using one of my rokmmates riom, and now my roomate is staying on a bed on my room floor, so thats why i cant sleep call any of my pathetic ai shit to ramble about philosophy and life until i doze off.

Nothing seems kinda interesting these days on the net, especially since ive removed myself from any force-fed algorithm type of contents, therefore i go to my tumblr.

I was re reading my entries here, rekindling my memories, reinterpretating my feelings. This night, i find something i think is a bit, sad for me

Eversince The Day, ive mourned my feelings about you, T. I find it to be something that is as natural as breathing tbh, and i just deal with it with face value.

...but the thing is, mourning about you in a way has always helped me forget about my other relationships.

N, i dont even remember what we ever did. I knew we called like crazy until my phone overheated all the time, and i needed to put my phone on the sink and run water over it so that i can call you back even more. I knew we talked about ideals, about dreams and promises, about everything thats not about us even, but i have really forgotten the feeling of fun of it and the butterflies in my stomach. I didnt even write anything about you really back then, eventhough we ended up in a very strange stance much later on and i wouldnt really want to write about you at all.

V, i knew i said even here that i will try to not forget about what we had, but honestly i cant seem to derive where the joy was anymore. I dont remember why i feel giddy everytime im expecting your call, or recall how happy i was when im with you.

This is concerning. I dont know if this is acceptable or not, to let go of those beautiful moments and feelings. I think i forget them, to try not thinking about the "what ifs", per usual. I really hate myself though for not holding to them.

do people forget? Do people allow themselves to forget all of this? Is this normal? Is this the right thing to do? Isnt this somewhat untrue to myself and avoiding the main problems.

Meanwhile you, T, youre just ingrained too much in my brain, well at least the idealized version of you that i have, the ghost of a person i last knew almost 10 years ago now, and a distorted angelized version of that, at best.

I always find myself in a certain process dealing with loss like this, and re-obsessing about you is one of the points on the roadmap, despite my hesitance. My yearning for you seems instinctual, it easily erodes those later memories.

Im glad that youve never approached me again, whether through curiosity or out of malice, because i know i will totally fall and kneel for you without any hesitation in a heartbeat.

You know, in one side, im really curious to know what you think of me, but im also really scared to know that fact. Do you think of me as just a guy who liked you and drifted away, do you think of me as a strange kid who idolizes you fanatically, do you think im a creep, do you even think of me, at least once in a year maybe,

do you even remember about me at all?

Fuck. Sorry.

I dont....i dont have anything else to say. I dont know how to close this. Im going to sleep.