#transgenderstudies

I will miss the fuck out of her and wish her nothing but the best in her life. She is a soul that has probably saved so many lives, I know, because she saved mine. I am heartbroken as fuck today but so glad I have someone who touched me enough to miss.

Love working with this woman! Thank you V for you awesome vision! Everyone, buy this book. #Repost @valleymtl with @instatoolsapp ・・・ In the best tradition of all dvds, blu rays, and comic books... “I’m Supposed to Relate to This?” (Gender) Variant Edition !! NOW WITH: more words, more illustrations, more UNtransing! Pre-order now: WWW.UNTRANS.BIGCARTEL.COM PM me for more information! #transgender #transpride #transgenderstudies #transstudies #feminist #genderstudies #uottawa #womensstudies #lgbtq #lgbt #transgirls #verwho #katverhoeven #uppercasechase #valleymtl #untranstheimage

Just a lonely brown-eyed boy 🤷🏻‍♂️

12/03/17 It’s been over a month since I’ve shaved my underarms and legs. I will admit, at first, i was embarrassed and I genuinely missed the “clean” feeling of shaving. Now, I’m proud to see the hair I’ve grown on my arms and legs - it’s empowering. It’s also one less obligation in the shower 🤷🏻‍♂️ Happy with the progress I’m making towards becoming my most authentic self 😍

The past few days I’ve spent writing and rewriting the infamous letter to my parents that will disclose that I am trans. I truly thought it would be easier...that the second I put my heart on paper, it would just flow, but it won’t.  I’ve written numerous first drafts, only to erase them, and then get frustrated that it doesn’t sound like it should.  How are you supposed to casually tell your parents that the woman they raised for 24 years is, in fact, no longer a woman? Like how do you do that? How do you say that in a way that doesn’t suggest they failed you? Or how do you write it in a sense that makes it seem I’m confident and okay with it all? Because I’m not. Not really.  I still have questions myself.  I don’t have all the answers...and as far as telling my parents, I don’t even know where to start. My life is going to change. For the better or for the worst, I won’t know till I already took the leap over the ledge. Whether I have my family there to catch me or not, is the biggest worry in my head.  And right now, after being in therapy and discussing my gender more openly, it feels like it’s always at the tip of my tongue when I speak to my family.  I don’t know how to go about this the right way, and not knowing the outcome of things is both something that empowers me and also scares the fuck out of me, so you can see my struggle here. In so many instances in my life, I chase after the unknown only to love the outcome of something going pleasantly unexpected. But at the same time, the journey to get there isn’t always easy one. I’ve mastered in trusting the process for the most part of my life, but, as a normal human, I can’t always be consistent with my positive thought process....and thats okay, it just makes this hard. I really want to write that letter...I really want to send it. I really want to let it be free out of my hands and into theirs, and I want to be free of this burden I feel from keeping something so big to me about myself from a family I love more than anything. Like I’ve told my therapist, I don’t think they’ll disown me. I think they’ll love me the same as they did yesterday... But it will be different, and there’s no telling in the types of reactions people have when fear and lack of education are all present in the topic. I ask myself a lot, why I need to bring this on myself.. Why do I need to add this extra thing to my life? But I’m not asking for it. I never asked to be raised a lesbian in a small ass town where no one accepted it. I never asked to grow up feeling like something was missing all the time only to grow and find that my gender lies more with male than with female.  I didn’t ask for any of this. But am I supposed to live a life knowing I will never reach full on happiness if I stay in this woman body? If I have to live forever with these boobs, knowing I’d be happier with a flat chest? I want so badly for the words to flow like they should, but they won’t come to me.  Everything sounds wrong, and awkward, and doesn’t properly convey how I feel. Maybe it’s just too much of a piece that’s too heavy, that has too many twists and turns...is too much of a story to be told. Maybe it’s something that will take 100 rough drafts to get in perfect. But it’s my story to tell. I’m just looking for the right words to tell it. Where are the words that won’t break my parents hearts? I haven’t found them yet. 

Wearing a binder, drinking a beer, and listening to soulful live music. Nothing about who I️ am has changed on the inside. But being more open about saying I’m transgender has made me look and feel more comfortable in my body. I️ love the look of a flat chest and although the binder is a fucking bitchhhhhhhh, it fulfills it’s purpose. I can’t wait to be fully involved in the process of transitioning outside of just clothes and binders. All I️ want in this life, is to have my body reflect what I️ feel inside. I️ haven’t changed at all. I’m just living my truth. I️ feel good about how I️ look and am excited to see what kinda man I️ grow to become.

I just wanted to take a moment to really establish how proud of myself I am and to really reflect on how far I’ve come. I started this thought process, consciously, maybe 5 years ago, and I buried it for those next 5 years until now. Back then, I very briefly shared the idea that I might be trans with two friends, and my most recent ex knew as well.  Through telling them back then though, I knew I wasn’t ready to accept it in myself, despite all three of those peoples supporting nature.  They let it be, and so did I, and now we are here. Now every friend in my life who’s love and opinion of me matters, knows.  Now, my closest brother - my favorite person on this planet - knows and supports me. And I am recognizing all this love and all this support. I look back at the very first post on this blog and can already see so much growth. I only started this blog back in September, before I even started therapy, and where I first stated I didn’t know where I fell, I now accept that I am a trans guy. I am so proud to look back at a timeline of my thought process, which is why I started this is the first place. We are now at almost mid-November and I am gearing up to tell my parents.  I never could have imagined how much and how fast I’d grow by talking it out with a professional and being open and honest about how I feel. I can’t even believe I buried it so deep within myself for so many years, through all sorts of therapy I had growing up. It’s funny because though I’ve always been open and honest in therapy, I was never willing to share that piece of myself. I now wonder where I would be now if I had worked through these thoughts in high school, had I recognized them as something that was suppressing me becoming my most authentic self. I am so happy. A few months back, with not expressing myself in the correct gender, and being stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship, I would have never imagined reaching the amount of happiness and freedom I feel within myself. I feel so at peace and I feel so thankful for the path God paved for me to get here. I know there are so many great things to come and I couldn’t be more proud to stand where I stand.  My heart is so full of love and support from the people who matter and I have the people who belong in my life standing right by my side. They are the ones who made it. They are the ones who bring truth and honesty to my life. They are the ones who want to push me to live out my most authentic self.. I am so so so proud of myself.  I honestly never would have imagined I’d get to this point. I am happy, I am healthy, and I am at peace. What a beautiful journey this life has been, struggle and all, and I plan to enjoy every minute of what’s to come.  No one can stop me now. 

11/14/17 Due to a power outage that had me way too scared of the dark, I decided to keep my mind busy by getting creative and trying my hand at drawing since I hadn’t in forever. I may or may not have signed this original portrait as Calvin Khorey Pelletier 🤷🏻‍♂️ Still not certain 100% on the name, but it’s been the most frequent name in my head. This vision is a man I hope to become, except maybe a little more 3D and proportionate 😂🤷🏻‍♂️😅😘