So, I'm gonna start from the worst thing that triggers me. Periods. As a transgender male who's pre everything, periods are the absolute worst. Those close to me will know that I have been on mine for 4 months solid, no break, medium to heavy flow too. I've had blood tests done and been on medication, but still the doctors don't know what's going on with me, but we're still investigating it. Anyway, 4 months I've had to wear feminine underwear in order to hold a sanitary towel in. I wear boxers over the top to try and feel more masculine, but it only helps a little. Most recently, I had a massive dysphoric anxiety attack, and no word of a lie it took me over 12 hours to get over it. It happened because I leaked out of my pad overnight, woke up in a puddle of blood. It was everywhere. After I showered and changed my bedsheets, washed everything and hung it all outside to dry, I broke down. Why didn't I do it before I washed everything? Because I was embarrassed. Which was stupid because a) no one was there to see it, and b) it all washed out in the end. But I'd gotten blood everywhere, and the blood came from genitals that don't fit with my body.

E M B A R R A S S I N G.

Not only is that a problem, but the cost of sanitary products is absolutely stupid. I go through a lot, as you can imagine, and I'm on a very limited budget as it is. Plus actually BUYING them is a nightmare. I know I don't pass but in my head and heart, I'm a guy, so buying something that's labelled incredibly feminine and directed at women is horrible and it genuinely breaks my heart.

That's periods covered, and honestly more than I was going to write about them. So, that brings me on to my next subject. My voice. I have a high, pitchy and sometimes squeaky voice. Some days I feel like I could pass, but then I have to talk. I sound like a twelve year old girl. I have tried to do voice exercises that can help deepen my voice but for some reason they don't seem to have any effect. I'm hoping that I can get voice coaching from the GIC when I eventually get my appointments through. And I know testosterone will deepen it somewhat but as I stated before, I'm pre everything.

Next up: my body shape. Sooooo, I'm on the blood sugar diet. I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic a little over three months ago and I was given a choice: Diet and lose weight, or stay the same and risk getting type 2 diabetes and all the complications that come with it. My doctor was honest with me, laid everything out and I decided that it was time to change. So far, I have lost just over two stone and with that came a slightly new body shape. And that body shape is incredibly feminine. I have wide hips and big boobs. This is a recently new dysphoria trigger and honestly, I'm still struggling to cope with it. I opt for night-time showers so I can have the light off. I don't necessarily hate my boobs, but I don't like touching them or them being touched or them being out and being seen, etc. I also cannot bind. I'm still too big for a binder from GC2B, plus I can't afford one from there anyway. And it really hurts me to bind with sports tops (bras), and wearing them just aggravates my breast dysphoria more. And with constant periods which give me severe cramps and make my boobs ache, binding is painful. The only time I'm completely topless is when I go to sleep but only if its a really hot night. As for my hips and the rest of my body shape, I cover myself up with baggy tshirts, sweatpants and “lounge” shorts. I feel like that's all I can do and it's definitely not enough.

So far, these are my main biggest triggers. Maybe I'm luckier than others, and my heart goes out to those who have more because it hurts to deal with it. I actually feel isolated to be honest. Agoraphobia prevents me from going out and anxiety prevents me from reaching out, but I'm learning to suck it up, in preparation for appointments and surgery.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. My inbox is always open if you need to talk, I'm a pretty good listener and I have my own advice. I will also take advice from people. Especially trans men who have similar triggers to me because I'd like to know of other ways to cope.

If you read ALL of this, then oh my god you deserve an award cause honestly this is just my crazy life ramblings and I feel unimportant to warrant that amount of attention. So thanks!

Remember to always take care of yourself, respect yourselves and do what makes you happy. I love each and every one of you.

Peace