#queerasfuck

Today I find myself indefinably moody. I was thinking about how there’s this tiny moment about ten seconds after I finish exercising, when I’ve taken off the weights and I’m walking around closing the windows and hanging up my exercise clothes, where my body feels especially my own, completely and wholly correct. It’s a nice feeling contained at a moment which I somehow find when I’m without makeup, my hair jammed up with clips, doing nothing to make myself feel attractive to me.

Which is contrasted with my later feelings, remembering that for the rest of my life I will be dependent on medication to be a complete person - physically, mentally, socially. It’s not the case for all trans people, but for me it is. My life is at the mercy of a country and health care system which is openly hostile to its own people. And I find myself staring in the mirror and feeling that in my blood and bones.

That’s where I find myself today - simultaneously feeling a sense of being whole and complete and right in my body, while aware at every moment that it could be unceremoniously ripped away from me.

This is my first post on this blog thing that I decided I want to start.

I have no idea what I want to do with this, nor do I have a clue about what I’ll write about, so I hope any of you who do follow me, let me know what to write about.

I am a pansexual man. I use he/him pronouns. I do drag. And I am in a heteronormative relationship. My partner is also pan, she uses she/her pronouns and is pan as well. We love each other dearly and have been married for two years.

Being in a hetero normative relationship is strange. I’ve had one other serious partner before my current partner. They went by he/him pronouns and helped me discover who I am.

I feel sometimes that I have an unfair disadvantage and an extreme amount of privilege due to what my relationship looks like to others when they first see me and my partner. My family, besides my brother, doesn’t know that I am pansexual. I appear “normal” to society, and that makes me feel self conscious about my sexuality and who I am.

I was having a conversation with another friend of mine who said that I would know nothing of struggle due to the fact that I am in a heteronormative relationship. 

There have been other times where I have attended events for LGBTQ+ community members, and whenever I would talk about my partner, they would often times make comments about how I don’t know the actual struggle or how I shouldn’t actually be allowed to speak about being part of the LGBTQ+ community because I don’t actually look the part.

I know that’s not true but sometimes that little voice in the back of my head will speak to me and tell me I’m not worthy of being part of this community or that I don’t know the struggle.

But I know it all too well.

When I was 10 and I admitted to a boy that I liked him, I almost got outed. He looked at me and said “Ew! Don’t joke like that!”, to which I replied, “I’m kidding, no homo.”

There was another time when my first partner and I were out and I was holding his hand. We both were called a faggots.

There was another time where my first partner got sent to conversion therapy and protected me by not telling his parents who he was dating. I later found out he committed suicide.

When I first started doing drag I was called faggot so many times that I probably could have paid off the entire student debt of the United States.

I was almost assaulted while in drag, fortunately a kind bouncer of a club was there to protect me.

So.

I know the struggle of the community, and I will keep bearing my weight to ensure that this fight is not lost.

To all my Queer brothers, sister, and siblings out there, stay strong. I know that the world and society as a whole does not take kindly to us, but we will always have our chosen family and the community to show us love.

To all my closeted Queer brothers, sisters, and siblings, I am here for you. You are not alone. The community is here for you. We will fight to protect you and will make sure that you know that you are loved.

I love you.