#queersupport

Hello friends,

I'm a queer, regenerative farmer, running a diversified, collaborative farm. We've been in business for 25 years; I've been manager for 3. One year ago, my mother, who ran the greenhouse and plant side of things, passed away from complications with her Myasthenia Gravis. Since then, I've had to scale down, step back, and give myself and my father, who works alongside me, some time to grieve and reorient ourselves. I am transitioning the farm to one that works within the gift economy, sharing food, labor and building community.

All of this has taken time, and taken funds that we haven't had the capacity to replenish. And so now, after years of giving away food and creating a sanctuary here, we need your help.

This isn't a farm fundraiser - I just need some money to purchase heating oil, firewood and pay for the repairs to my furnaces. It's 5F as I type this, and we're running out of fuel. Our county has no more emergency heating funds left.

I know everyone says this, but every bit does help. All we need is a hand up, to help us hold on as we adjust to our new reality and new farm.

Thank you, and much love,

Milkweed

P.S. If you'd like to explore our work, and see that we truly are committed to our community-building mission, you can check out our blog at The Bittersweet-Milkweed Collaborative Substack.

I've been asked to add a Venmo or Paypal account to this, so here's my Venmo: we're @MilkweedTussockTubers, www.venmo.com/u/MilkweedTussockTubers

And Paypal is: @milkweedtussocktuber

Because of coronavirus, our local queer resource center postponed Pride. Now it’s scheduled for September and will be virtual. As we do every year our church is gearing up to participate. I lead the Pride Ministry (LGBTQ+ outreach) and I’ve been working with the staff and other members to get a couple projects off the ground. 

We are fortunate to have a Quilting Ministry at our church. They have made HUNDREDS of masks for community members, church members, police officers, firefighters, the list goes on...and they’re all donations, they don’t charge a cent. I asked if they’d like to make masks representing the rainbow flag, bi, pan, trans, lesbian, ace, demisexual etc. flags for Pride and they immediately got excited! Last year we made a brochure about LGBTQ+ identities with their flags and meanings, so I just handed off a brochure and the leader of the quilters said she was on top of it.

And then she misgendered me.

And here I am just like...wondering how to feel about that??? Like she’s 110% rearin’ and ready to go to support the queer community and welcome them and make all these masks, but here I am, a guy, still being called “she” to my face.

It wasn’t malicious, it was an accident. I know this. She’s one of those people who knew me before I came out and I understand that it’s harder for her to adapt than people who met me as a guy. I have come to terms with that general idea.

What I haven’t come to terms with is people in the Pride Ministry making more mistakes than anyone else I know. Like I said, it’s never malicious and they are all willing to learn things, but what this tells me is that our church is not as equipped to support my city’s queer community as we need to be. I think we accept and celebrate them. I just don’t think we can support them the way they need to be supported. Same with people of color in our city. Our church is openly anti-ICE, and our most recent education was a study on Rev. Lenny Duncan’s Dear Church: A Love Letter from a Black Preacher to the Whitest Denomination in the US. (Great read, btw.) Essentially, Lenny and I both chose the Lutheran church because of their acceptance, however, we (the church) are predominantly old and white. While we are somewhat ill-equipped to offer the support people of color and queer folks need in a church, we are also some of the most capable people of changing.

I’m coming to realize that me and the rest of the staff are responsible for making that change happen. What that means is continuing to educate ourselves, have a presence at Pride, and unapologetically proclaim that Christianity is queer; it is black; it is brown; it is diverse; it is inclusive. 

Our oldest, most set-in-their-ways members are willing to listen and learn and that is exactly the footing we need to become who we need to be. But that means that we have to exercise patience, which is the hard part. It means that I’m going to get misgendered for a while still, and it means that people are going to slip up, and that if I want that to change, I have to stick it out. Is it my job? No. But if not me, someone else would have to do it, and I want to be the kind of person who inspires positive change.

So I do it. And I feel like a better person for doing it. But on a day to day basis, it’s hard. Really hard. 

I threw up this morning. I was stressed out and it just sorta...happened. I called a friend later. Without really giving any details I told her it was a rough day and she brought me coffee. I’m alright. I’m having to push myself to take care of my basic needs right now, and little discrepancies like being misgendered are rocking the boat more drastically than I want them to. But I have just enough mental energy to force myself to do things like eat, sleep, exercise, and socialize. 

Many members of the LGBTQ+ community, myself included, have spent this month disheartened by the fact that we couldn’t have parades, dances, and celebrate loudly and proudly as we do during Pride month. We couldn’t even congregate to show our support to one another. No hugs, no high fives, nothing. And that has been hard. But you know what?

June 2020 is the most encouraging Pride month I’ve ever had for two reasons:

#1. When George Floyd was killed, people began rioting. They began protesting and demanding that the system - the same system who killed George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and countless other persons of color - be changed.

I am proud, so proud, that the LGBTQ+ shouted from the top of their lungs that Black Lives Matter. Our rights were earned because we rioted against a system that persecuted us. Black lives need support, and this June, we celebrated Black Lives...and just because June is over doesn’t mean we’re done showing support!

That is how it should be. When someone needs help, help them. Remember that lifting another community up in their greatest time of need does not subtract from your worth. It does not impede your ability to celebrate who you are. Supporting others is a selfless act, one that inspires and changes lives.

This post is for allies of transgender friends and family.

One thing I’ve learned since transitioning is that sometimes, even our friends, family, or other allies are afraid to ask us questions because you don’t want to offend us. I just want to say that I understand that sentiment, allies. On one hand, for folks to learn about transgender lifestyle, questions must be asked; I firmly believe that the best educational tool in any culture, not just trans folk, is to talk to someone from that culture directly and get to know them. But within the LGBTQ+ community there is also the stance that it is no one person’s job to educate others, which is also true. Think of it this way:

What stands out about you most? Do you have a unique name, and if so, how many times every day do people say “Wow, your name is really Crystal Ball?!” Do you have green hair? “So, is your hair natural? Ha ha ha!” Do you work in customer service? “There was no price tag on this, does that mean it’s free?” These questions, comments, or jokes aren’t innately bad, but they are tedious. They’re questions that people get asked day in and day out. That’s what the last year of my life has been like for me. “So when did you know you were trans? Why did you pick the name Michael? How’s testosterone treating you?” 

Again, these aren’t bad questions. In fact it’s nice when folks check up on me. But you have to understand that when people constantly ask me questions about transitioning, I feel like one of my defining qualities is that I’m transgender. My goal isn’t to be “transgender,” it’s to be Michael, a normal guy who’s into writing and cats, who works at an office, who enjoys volunteering in the community, whose favorite video game is Fallout, who likes upbeat music, exercise, and travel. 

So the question is: when is it okay to ask a trans person about being trans? #1. First, just say “Hey, is it alright if I ask you some questions about transitioning?” 

#2. If they say “no,” then leave it at that. But how should you cope if they say no? We are a culture who has been conditioned to feel a nasty twinge in our stomachs whenever we’re bluntly told no. It doesn’t feel good. This is one of those moments where you need to realize that this isn’t a personal affront to you; it’s about someone preserving their mental health. That person may have been asked the same question by three other people that day. They may be having an awful day because people keep commenting on their being trans instead of their kind heart or their diligence at work, things that really matter. You are not an asshole for asking. Just say “okay!” and move on. If they do say yes...

#3. Don’t ask them in public. Any personal questions, trans or not, should be asked privately. They may also not be “out” yet, and the knowledge you have about them may not be intended for the public. Just keep it on the downlow and ask them privately.

#4. Don’t ask them something you wouldn’t ask your coworker, neighbor, teacher, or pastor! Trans people are just people. Would you go up to your coworker and suddenly ask her if she plans on having kids? If she’s going to get her tubes tied? How big her breasts are? Would you go up to your pastor and ask him about his genitals? Trans people are not an exception to this because they are trans. The bottom line is that they’re people, and personal questions are just that, personal. #5. What topics are typically considered “too personal”? Anything involving genitals, like top or bottom surgery. Anything involving breasts like chest-binding, mastectomies, etc. Anything involving fertility, like “What about having kids? Don’t you want to give birth?” That is their business, not yours. Also, I advise against asking them what their “birth name” is. In trans culture, that’s called a “dead name” for good reason; it’s been laid to rest. Our birth names are a shackle that we’ve broken through endurance, and the name has been buried. It needs to stay dead. No room for zombie names here.

#6. What is generally appropriate to ask? Pronouns. It’s always good to know someone’s pronouns. Ask “what are your pronouns” instead of “what are your preferred pronouns” because it’s not a preference, they’re just our pronouns. It’s good to ask if they’re out publicly, or if they’d rather keep it on the downlow for now. For example, if you’re talking to a 17 year old girl and she tells you she’s trans but says she isn’t out to her parents yet, it’s VERY important to keep that between the two of you. Her parents could be abusive, throw her out of the house, cut her off financially, any number of things. If you out her, you may potentially be putting her at risk. Another good thing to ask is “How can I be supportive to you?” or anything with that sentiment. Trans folk need love and support. Ask how you can be available. Keep communication open. Tell them when you don’t understand something, like vocabulary they use.