#malepronouns

It’s 1:00 am so I have to call it this morning, but I haven’t slept yet, so tomorrow I’m meeting with my therapist. Last week she let me borrow a book called “Where’s My Book” written by a Seattle Dr, Linda Gromko. It’s a thick book, plastered cover to cover with information about the transgender mind and the struggles we face/will have to face.  I decided to flip through it’s pages as soon as I got out of work and showered.  In the time between then and now, I’ve covered over 100 pages and was awakened by a thought..a thought that was comforting to me. A thought I’ve always known to be true but never thought of its importance enough to state it:

“- I am so lucky to have gone through life so mindfully reflectvie that I can clearly see my own periods of growth, my process, and the ever-growing positive change in my character that makes me the best version of myself today, but still not the better version of myself tomorrow. -”

I am actively and knowingly living life as a journey. Knowing my struggles can, at times be an entire nusaince, but still believing they are necessary. Having the time, and the patience, to work through all of my life’s challenges, because I know I’ll come out stronger. You see, I’ve lived a life full of being first up to bat. Taking the challenge head on, not running in the other direction when I didn’t know what the outcome would be (unless it was math, because fuck math).  But I’ve literally taken every challenge in my life, head on. No running, no backing out but instead, fearfully confident in knowing I can handle whatever lurks in the unknown. (okay also maybe not true for like the boogie man and other scary shit....but life things, in general)

Anyways, some people call this act, the act of heroism.  Some people have called me a hero. But I never saw it that way, and maybe most heroes never do. Maybe all heroes are heroes for the very idea that we all see a timeline of ourselves that is more mindful, more humble, more educationally providing in regards to reflection than what everyone else sees in their reality.  Maybe we just see the world different and really trust in the mirror we place in front of us because we are the ones holding it. 

I believe I’ve always had the best intentions. Understanding, that a lot of times my acts of self care, protection, or growing may come off as selfish...I am as much of a survivor as I am the caretaker. And I am the epitome of wanting both of the complete opposite sides...but that is the perspective in me. That has always existed and will forever live on.

So flipping through this book, “connecting dots to other dots that were so out in left field that I didn’t even know were dots”, makes me take some serious comfort in the fact that I’ve been so profoundly in tune with myself, despite what is seems to only be dealing with gender identity with disregard to the years of therapy I’ve encountered since I was 12.

And I’ve been able to step back and look at my growth and break apart all the times I was really piecing together my life...each time I grabbed an idea and carefully sat to disassemble and resemble my emotions, my mind....why I tick the way I tick. Some people, like my brother, liked to take apart household things to see how they worked because it was interesting....That was me, but with myself, sifting carefully through my pieces until I understood why each piece of me worked the way they did. Like the people who saw my brother as reckless, careless, and a destroyer of perfectly decent things that weren’t broken to begin with, I was also this person, who from the outside, probably looked like an attention seeker...someone who caused problems that weren’t there.

The problem was that there wasn’t a problem at all. The problem was that not enough people will ever reach the degree of mindfulness and self reflection at adulthood, that I had even achieved at the young age of 12. I wanted to know why I was so sad, but why I was also so happy. Why was I able to understand so much pain, but beautify it through words and art and expression? I’ve always been a double edged sword, and my whole life is the physical biography of how it’s made, how it continues to grow, and how it will grow to be. 

I am becoming who I’ve always meant to be. Regardless if I never fully explored it with my words in therapy, or to family and friends, until now, it was still there in smaller social cues....in the deep suppressed feelings and thoughts in my mind...some I wasn’t even aware of to red flag or take apart, if you will, to study them more carefully. I now have role models, and education, and years of loving myself to still find there is something big in me thats missing. Coming to terms with my being transgender happened at just the right time, just as it was supposed to.