#transstudies

A Letter From Calvin, (coloringtheworldwithwords)

Love working with this woman! Thank you V for you awesome vision! Everyone, buy this book. #Repost @valleymtl with @instatoolsapp ・・・ In the best tradition of all dvds, blu rays, and comic books... “I’m Supposed to Relate to This?” (Gender) Variant Edition !! NOW WITH: more words, more illustrations, more UNtransing! Pre-order now: WWW.UNTRANS.BIGCARTEL.COM PM me for more information! #transgender #transpride #transgenderstudies #transstudies #feminist #genderstudies #uottawa #womensstudies #lgbtq #lgbt #transgirls #verwho #katverhoeven #uppercasechase #valleymtl #untranstheimage

I’ve been wanting to write this out for a while now and with today’s turn of events, landing on a bus driving north for 8 hours instead of flying, I have plenty of time to do it. It’s also important to put it into words and really outline how I feel considering I am going to try to come out to my parents while visiting.  I had a really important conversation with an older gentleman that I work with last week.  I tend to do these things, where, especially if I’m closeted or trying to figure out what people feel about a situation, I play the opposite side of what I actually feel, just to gain some perspective. I’m not sure how it came up, but me and this guy started talking about transgender issues. I brought up the argument that I’ve come across more and more as I’ve started accepting myself because I wanted to see if he could give me some other way to look at it. Now, this guy is like an old man in his 60′s, black, with 2 sons…. And his response inspired me. I asked him what he thought about the fact that you can’t exactly change biology. I told him about how many articles I’ve read and videos I’ve watched that have argued that you can “SAY” you’re a boy ally want, but it will not change your biological sex and your DNA make up… This is  an argument I’ve struggled with because I haven’t known how to argue it. And haven’t found anyone who ever has in a way that made me believe the other side. Because you know what? Those scientists and Docters and whoever….they are right. No matter how much I say I’m a boy, I will still always have been born a girl. No matter what, my DNA chromosomes will always be XX. But this is what he said- “How many time has mother nature ‘fucked up’. How many times have people been born ‘wrong’. What about people with 6 fingers instead of 5? Or the people who are conjoined twins? What about the people born with heart defects? And what about the people born as both? You really mean to tell me that because people were born outside of the norm that they have to deal and live with what makes them different? No. People get extra fingers removed. People get medicine to fix a heart defect. Conjoined twins get surgically split from each other. And you have no one telling them they were born that way so they should stay that way. Mother nature fucks up. That’s just the way it is. So if a transgendered person feels they were born in the wrong body, than who are we to say that that’s wrong or thats right? How awful must it be to feel that…” Now obviously I’m not out to the people that I work with, nor did I make any indication to the fact that I was. I mean, why would a trans guy challenge his own beliefs and try to lead you down an argument that goes against who I am as a person? Lol, I guess I’m kinda twisted. But, also just very open minded. I’m not scared to listen to peoples perspectives if it is done so respectfully. And look, people surprise you everyday. The way he worded it, of course I paraphrased, but it literally blew me away. I literally had goosebumps because I had never really found an argument like that. The material I’ve read that have strictly based facts about biology and DNA makeup have really had me stuck and I didn’t know how to fight it. I am a very facts based person…so you present me with the facts and I can see how those facts are true.. But I love perspective. I love shaking the globe and watching the snow fall from a different angle. I think you learn so much that way. And his response changed me entirely and quickly made me feel more confident in the fact that trans is REAL. Trans is okay. And that isn’t something that is an easy thing to get to. I am trans myself and I looked at all possible angles to see if I was just being crazy. But he’s right. Mother nature fucks up. People aren’t born perfect. People are handed certain cards and it’s how you chose to deal with them that makes you who you are. Could I live the rest of my life as a woman? Probably. I’ve done enough work internally and searched within myself to know what outside factors contribute or don’t contribute to my happiness and have adjusted. I’ve also done enough searching to know what to change within myself…what parts of me are toxic and what parts of me are just genuinely good. I don’t want to transition because I am unhappy as a whole…I want to transition because I’ve never been at home in my body…and I found that through some deep soul searching in myself. And it’s a beautiful thing.  I chose to take the cards I’ve been given and not blame the universe for putting me in the wrong body. I chose to feel blessed for being dealt the wrong cards so I can learn how to navigate through struggle. I chose to thank God for making me such a strong individual that can handle something as tough as being born as the wrong sex. I mean, do you even know how much strength that takes? It’s a crazy amount of strength. And I’m proud of the people in the trans community that are still here, and still pushing, and thriving. I’m proud to be a part of a community with so much fucking power in just knowing themselves….because I’m sorry, not enough people know themselves enough. And not enough people dig deep enough in themselves to learn the things that make them who they are…and the things they need to let go of as well as pursue to make them better. Becoming aware is the key to happiness and growth and I am just so happy I’ve transitioned throughout my whole life to gain so much perspective everything. I am truly blessed and truly happy…not because I haven’t been and now have this “thing” to fix it, but rather because I know myself, and have found what it feels like to be at home in your body, just by having my pronouns changed and having a select few people call me Calvin. I feel amazing. I feel excited. And I feel empowered.  I feel less reliant on others because for the first time in forever I’m fully reliant on myself because I finally met him, and he’s a great guy. I hope to have the courage to introduce myself to them as the great man I know I am and will continue to become.  This life is beautiful, man. Embrace your journey and stay positive you beautiful souls. 

I just wanted to take a moment to really establish how proud of myself I am and to really reflect on how far I’ve come. I started this thought process, consciously, maybe 5 years ago, and I buried it for those next 5 years until now. Back then, I very briefly shared the idea that I might be trans with two friends, and my most recent ex knew as well.  Through telling them back then though, I knew I wasn’t ready to accept it in myself, despite all three of those peoples supporting nature.  They let it be, and so did I, and now we are here. Now every friend in my life who’s love and opinion of me matters, knows.  Now, my closest brother - my favorite person on this planet - knows and supports me. And I am recognizing all this love and all this support. I look back at the very first post on this blog and can already see so much growth. I only started this blog back in September, before I even started therapy, and where I first stated I didn’t know where I fell, I now accept that I am a trans guy. I am so proud to look back at a timeline of my thought process, which is why I started this is the first place. We are now at almost mid-November and I am gearing up to tell my parents.  I never could have imagined how much and how fast I’d grow by talking it out with a professional and being open and honest about how I feel. I can’t even believe I buried it so deep within myself for so many years, through all sorts of therapy I had growing up. It’s funny because though I’ve always been open and honest in therapy, I was never willing to share that piece of myself. I now wonder where I would be now if I had worked through these thoughts in high school, had I recognized them as something that was suppressing me becoming my most authentic self. I am so happy. A few months back, with not expressing myself in the correct gender, and being stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship, I would have never imagined reaching the amount of happiness and freedom I feel within myself. I feel so at peace and I feel so thankful for the path God paved for me to get here. I know there are so many great things to come and I couldn’t be more proud to stand where I stand.  My heart is so full of love and support from the people who matter and I have the people who belong in my life standing right by my side. They are the ones who made it. They are the ones who bring truth and honesty to my life. They are the ones who want to push me to live out my most authentic self.. I am so so so proud of myself.  I honestly never would have imagined I’d get to this point. I am happy, I am healthy, and I am at peace. What a beautiful journey this life has been, struggle and all, and I plan to enjoy every minute of what’s to come.  No one can stop me now. 

Came out to my brother... the one person on this planet who means the absolute most to me, and it was super impulsive. I messaged him on Facebook and just told him I loved him very much and that he was my brother and one of my absolute best friends.  He joked about it and asked when the bomb was hitting before he said he loved me too and told me I was also his best friend. I thought about aborting the conversation because of his sarcastic remarks, but pushed through anyway. I went on to say that there was no physical bomb that I knew of, but I had quite the load of info I’d like to share with him but was scared to. I continued to tell him that no one else in the family knows, but that I was seeing a psychologist out here because I’ve started coming to terms with me being transgender. I told him I was okay, and happy and healthy, and that for the first time in my life, things just made sense.  He responded saying, “Just be you and it’ll all be fine! I have your back no matter what.” I pressed this by saying really. I was so stunned by an initially supportive reaction that I wanted to be sure.  He came back to say, “I’m not encouraging it but I’m  supportive of whatever makes you happy.” And I said thank you and I love you, and we left it at that. My feelings about it all were kinda split from both the things he said. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’s thinking or feeling actually, but he did an amazing job and supporting me and making it a point to state that my happiness is all he is concerned about. Which I think speaks a lot to his character, and the type of love that surrounds my family...the type of love I’ve grown up around to accept. I got a little standoffish when he claimed he doesn’t encourage it and I sat with it for a while wondering what that meant. My initial reaction was that he must not really support it. But at the same time, I just handed him a huge pill to swallow.  His one and only sister just told him that she’s not happy being his sister, essentially. That I’d be happier being brothers...that I’ve always felt like brothers. I’m sure, with him also being the person he is, that he’s scared for me, and concerned for me. So it didn’t take me long to still chalk it up to a very positive reaction. He needs time to digest and needs time to educate himself and I will give him that time to do so. I am so so thankful that he supports me and just wants me to be happy.  I am truly blessed to have the people in my life who love and accept me for all that I am, and all that I’ve yet to become <3

Looking forward to next Friday, 8/9, 7 pm, for New Work in Transgender Studies. Featuring Miriam J. Abelson @men_in_place Ann Travers #transgeneration & Julian Gill-Peterson #historiesofthetransgenderchild #transstudies #transkids #transmen (at Bureau of General Services-Queer Division) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0odQNbFfZr/?igshid=mgmf76kmif66

The Bureau is excited to partner with the Brooklyn Institute for Social Research to bring you: Trans/Queer/Woman: Theory and Politics, Instructor: Sophie Lewis The course will meet at the Bureau on Wednesdays, July 10, 17, 24, and 31, from 6:30 to 9:30 PM. 3 scholarships available—visit https://thebrooklyninstitute.com/items/courses/new-york/trans-queer-woman-theory-and-politics/ @brooklyninstitute @reproutopia #transstudies #transtheory #queertheory #women #transwomen #queerwomen #genderstudies #womensstudies (at Bureau of General Services-Queer Division) https://www.instagram.com/p/BxfmvguFsMF/?igshid=168urq42zvrzo

Today at 3 pm @bgsqd Join TSQ: Transgender Studies Quarterly and co-editors Leah DeVun and Zeb Tortorici for the launch of TSQ’s new issue “Trans*historicities.” #transstudies #transhistory (at Bureau of General Services-Queer Division) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrLDzHrFYYC/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=8fttgjvijpw