Iāve been wanting to write this out for a while now and with todayās turn of events, landing on a bus driving north for 8 hours instead of flying, I have plenty of time to do it.
Itās also important to put it into words and really outline how I feel considering I am going to try to come out to my parents while visiting.Ā
I had a really important conversation with an older gentleman that I work with last week.Ā
I tend to do these things, where, especially if Iām closeted or trying to figure out what people feel about a situation, I play the opposite side of what I actually feel, just to gain some perspective.
Iām not sure how it came up, but me and this guy started talking about transgender issues.
I brought up the argument that Iāve come across more and more as Iāve started accepting myself because I wanted to see if he could give me some other way to look at it.
Now, this guy is like an old man in his 60ā²s, black, with 2 sonsā¦.
And his response inspired me.
I asked him what he thought about the fact that you canāt exactly change biology. I told him about how many articles Iāve read and videos Iāve watched that have argued that you canĀ āSAYā youāre a boy ally want, but it will not change your biological sex and your DNA make upā¦
This is Ā an argument Iāve struggled with because I havenāt known how to argue it. And havenāt found anyone who ever has in a way that made me believe the other side. Because you know what? Those scientists and Docters and whoeverā¦.they are right.
No matter how much I say Iām a boy, I will still always have been born a girl. No matter what, my DNA chromosomes will always be XX.
But this is what he said-
āHow many time has mother natureĀ āfucked upā. How many times have people been bornĀ āwrongā. What about people with 6 fingers instead of 5? Or the people who are conjoined twins? What about the people born with heart defects? And what about the people born as both? You really mean to tell me that because people were born outside of the norm that they have to deal and live with what makes them different? No. People get extra fingers removed. People get medicine to fix a heart defect. Conjoined twins get surgically split from each other. And you have no one telling them they were born that way so they should stay that way. Mother nature fucks up. Thatās just the way it is. So if a transgendered person feels they were born in the wrong body, than who are we to say that thatās wrong or thats right? How awful must it be to feel thatā¦ā
Now obviously Iām not out to the people that I work with, nor did I make any indication to the fact that I was. I mean, why would a trans guy challenge his own beliefs and try to lead you down an argument that goes against who I am as a person? Lol, I guess Iām kinda twisted. But, also just very open minded. Iām not scared to listen to peoples perspectives if it is done so respectfully. And look, people surprise you everyday. The way he worded it, of course I paraphrased, but it literally blew me away. I literally had goosebumps because I had never really found an argument like that. The material Iāve read that have strictly based facts about biology and DNA makeup have really had me stuck and I didnāt know how to fight it. I am a very facts based personā¦so you present me with the facts and I can see how those facts are true.. But I love perspective. I love shaking the globe and watching the snow fall from a different angle. I think you learn so much that way. And his response changed me entirely and quickly made me feel more confident in the fact that trans is REAL. Trans is okay. And that isnāt something that is an easy thing to get to. I am trans myself and I looked at all possible angles to see if I was just being crazy.
But heās right. Mother nature fucks up. People arenāt born perfect. People are handed certain cards and itās how you chose to deal with them that makes you who you are. Could I live the rest of my life as a woman? Probably. Iāve done enough work internally and searched within myself to know what outside factors contribute or donāt contribute to my happiness and have adjusted. Iāve also done enough searching to know what to change within myselfā¦what parts of me are toxic and what parts of me are just genuinely good. I donāt want to transition because I am unhappy as a wholeā¦I want to transition because Iāve never been at home in my bodyā¦and I found that through some deep soul searching in myself. And itās a beautiful thing.Ā
I chose to take the cards Iāve been given and not blame the universe for putting me in the wrong body. I chose to feel blessed for being dealt the wrong cards so I can learn how to navigate through struggle. I chose to thank God for making me such a strong individual that can handle something as tough as being born as the wrong sex. I mean, do you even know how much strength that takes? Itās a crazy amount of strength. And Iām proud of the people in the trans community that are still here, and still pushing, and thriving. Iām proud to be a part of a community with so much fucking power in just knowing themselvesā¦.because Iām sorry, not enough people know themselves enough. And not enough people dig deep enough in themselves to learn the things that make them who they areā¦and the things they need to let go of as well as pursue to make them better. Becoming aware is the key to happiness and growth and I am just so happy Iāve transitioned throughout my whole life to gain so much perspective everything. I am truly blessed and truly happyā¦not because I havenāt been and now have thisĀ āthingā to fix it, but rather because I know myself, and have found what it feels like to be at home in your body, just by having my pronouns changed and having a select few people call me Calvin.
I feel amazing. I feel excited. And I feel empowered.Ā
I feel less reliant on others because for the first time in forever Iām fully reliant on myself because I finally met him, and heās a great guy.
I hope to have the courage to introduce myself to them as the great man I know I am and will continue to become.Ā
This life is beautiful, man.
Embrace your journey and stay positive you beautiful souls.Ā