For those that tell you to "just get over it" or say that "you need to move on", I think that they do not have any comprehension of what it is that you have actually been through. If only it were that easy to do. Don't they realize that you would have already done that if it were that simple? Yet there is nothing easy or simple about being in a relationship, getting out a relationship, or recovering from a relationship with a narcissist.
It has been three years since I got out of my toxic relationship with a narcissist. It has been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs, twists and turns, unexpected drops, and few highs since I found the courage to leave. It was hard to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel while forging through the aftermath of my decision to get out. Between filing for restraining orders, pressing charges, child protective service interviews, animal control trying to rescue the dogs from him, court hearings, divorce proceedings, living in hiding to keep us safe, trying to work in order to keep up with the bills, taking care of the kids as well as myself was a daily battle that I fought so hard to maintain. Having to listen to those closest to me tell me that I just needed to move on, get over it, or there was no sense in crying over spilled milk was heartbreaking. I didn't realize how bad the toxicity of that relationship had been until I started talking about it. Hearing it out loud was like having an epiphany over what had been going on for years. Then finding out that this wasn't the first time he had done this made the situation that much worse because he was allowed to do it again. Even after everything that I did to try and have him held accountable for what he did to us did not stop him from moving out of state and repeating the same pattern with other single mothers. To think that it is something that his victims should just "get over" is like pretending the trauma we went through never happened.
Trauma can leave more than a physical mark on a person. The bruises will eventually fade and heal as do broken bones, but the situation that caused those injuries aren't' as easily healed. Especially when one has been in an abusive relationship where events are likely repeated during the course of the relationship. If you have been fortunate enough to escape a relationship like this, count yourself lucky. It doesn't mean that you won't have lasting effects from the toxicity of the relationship. This isn't just something that you can "get over". It has been several years for me and I am still trying to heal myself. I have things that trigger me that I have to work through. I have less nightmares than when I first left, but I still have them from time to time. I have episodes of flash backs because being in this type of relationship is like being in a war. I am hypervigilant, I scan my surroundings, I do not sit with my back to the door, I look for exits when entering a building, and I don't know if I will get to a point where I am not like this. I hope that there will be a time somewhere in the future where I am not doing these things, but I have come to realize that I am this way due to the fact that I have lived in survivor mode for so long that my body doesn't realize that there isn't a need to continue doing these things.
Healing is not linear. Different types of things work better for some than others and some things do not work at all. You have to find what works best for you. It could be individual therapy, art therapy, group therapy, survivor support groups, exercise, changes in your diet, yoga, journaling, supplements, essential oils, aromatherapy, a life coach, advocacy, education, or a combination of things that will help you to heal. I just know that you have to start somewhere and starting by taking care of yourself is such a great place to start. Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but I am worth it and so are you.
Don't give up. Keep fighting for yourself. You deserve to be happy and whole. Remember that you are not alone.
