#actually aspd

as for when it comes to sexual orientation, gender, or race, i simply couldn't care less about your specific brand of individuality so being mad at certain expressions of the human condition never felt sensible. the way i see it, everyone is a freak in their own way. i can understand that people are individuals. i consider the concept of a "normal person" to be ridiculous. humans really do come in all flavors, and everyone has got some unsavoury notes. either way i don't care enough because i find people extremely dull and predictable. i have very few long-term relationships because of that, once i figure you out i lose interest. (this didn't use to be the case when i was younger, it used to be the moment when i'd start pushing buttons and violating boundaries just to see what i could get away with, but i have grown a lot since then.)

also, i have yet to meet a bigoted person capable of logically defending their position.

An ordinary person is, in fact, an incredibly tedious creature for me. People simply don't interact with people in the same way that two psychopaths might interact. I'm unlikely to provide a good example with another psychopath, so I'll try to do it with myself: if I'm interested in you, you'll be studied down to your smallest details. You've probably seen the common situation where a man doesn't remember his wedding date with his wife, right? Well, this situation is usually not possible if I'm truly interested in someone. Sometimes you can almost call me a stalker, really. I collect so much information about a person, it's crazy. This information also includes the person's vulnerabilities (often to help them with these things). Well... For example, if you're afraid of spiders, I'll just stop ignoring their existence, because I've been living peacefully with them before. So, I'm incredibly caring, and... I was just okay with it before I met Noah. Well, like... Yeah, I do a lot of stuff, but... so what? But the thing is, most people are just incredibly passive in this regard. I swear, sometimes they literally describe situations where someone they care about dies just because they're passive and pretend it couldn't have been prevented. So, you know what? I won't be crying at your funeral, but... You're much more likely to live to a ripe old age, given my knowledge of the human body and all that. And please don't fight with me, because I literally have no brakes (especially don't yell at me or let your emotions get the better of you, for heaven's sake)

So...when I saw how another person like me was doing it for the first time... it literally blew my mind. It was enough for him to say that he wanted to draw a small smiley face on my cheek and wait for me to notice it to see my reaction, so that I would take it as the biggest sign of his love for me. And...he was actually exploring me just as much as I was exploring him. I was certain that when we met in real life, we would just be exploring each other. And yes, my heart was beating much, much, much faster because of this, just omg... So when you @unfilteredpsychopathy started doing the same thing, I'm sorry, it was too good for me. I genuinely think this behavior is wonderful, even though I used to treat my actions as normal. Like... there's me and there's a person, right? I can explore them for various reasons, but... how many psychopaths have been explored in return?

And it's still a game of contrasts: a person can tell me their darkest thoughts, but the same person would draw that smiley face on my cheek, and God, he was just incredibly naughty devil! I'm just like him, yes, but... before I met him, it was different. Before I met him, it didn't have weight, it was just an instrumental action. And... I love having this attitude now. But later, the contrasts were erased: it's not two different people, but one. This person can draw a smiley face on my cheek and make my heart beat incredibly fast, this person can suffocate in a homicidomania episode, and I'll be there for him, and this person will play their games with others (and with me. Especially with me). It's the same person, but... I loved it all. His mask, his face, literally everything. But all of this... well... I love how another psychopath can start exploring me, and I truly love and accept it in an extremely friendly way. But at the same time... people in this sense (literally thousands of people, I've seen a lot of different people in my life) just... justified the lack of their weight in my life. They didn't have weight before, but... now I know the reason. Sometimes, there were people who were dear to me, and... now I know the reason for that as well.

In general... if, for some reason, a psychopath falls in love with another psychopath... the chances of them returning to humanity are slim to none. Well...I literally didn't lose anything because of it, people were already basically useless in most cases (I...um...I know how it sounds, considering the kind of people I've been hanging out with, yeah...well...actually, even if I'm the third person after the founder of the HoS, or if I'm a friend of a well-known blogger, well...it doesn't really matter, to be honest. Well...it's not the kind of benefit I need, really, these are just tools and features, but they have no actual value. But I think I can really find what I need if I keep going. There are literally people in this world who have so many things working with me and... lol, I'd be an absolute and total idiot if I just missed it. I want this in my life incredibly much)

Yeah. This is literally how I've become very much like those stupid perverts and fanatics. Congratulate me. But... I don't think it's a bad thing. We really have something to love, it's just that the fanatics are often unaware of it, and I have real reasons. Well...fuck it, I have no idea how to explain it any easier, so fuck it lol, really. Just that we earned my loyalty, I really love us, that's all

People are tyrants. But here it's a system, a game, anything but tyranny. I have no idea what those psychopaths who lashed out at their people had to go through... those people blame themselves for it later. But hey. I have a literally destroyed nervous system, I'm extremely sensitive. I'm basically just wounded. But assuming that other psychopaths aren't as wounded... and they still lash out at people they don't want to harm... I have no idea what real shit those people have to go through.

There's literally nothing I could regret, nothing I'm "missing out on." Psychopaths literally have nothing from humans but a steel and lifeless benefit, but obviously, it's always interested me on a slightly different scale. Kill me, but I'll never in my life interact with a human just for this "benefit," it's just not worth it. Just imagine that when you interact with a human, you're giving them to drink your blood (the blood of your poor nervous system and psyche, amen)... you can give a human to drink a liter of your blood for the sake of "benefit." But what if a single drop of your blood is enough to gain a benefit ten times greater? And... I definitely have nothing to regret when I renounce people.

I wanted to say something else, but in the end, I just forgot. Ehehe...well, I guess I wanted to say something like, "If there are people in this world who can make my heart beat faster...doesn't following this path make me a more human?" or "People impose their notions of morality and good deeds on you, but in reality, you can never demand kindness from others when you act like a stupid tyrant"... relationships with people are inherently tyrannical, and I've learned that all too well. But when I watch psychopaths use their tools, it's... uh... so familiar clear and beautiful...///

And yes. When I said that your descriptions sounded scary and that I even wanted to give up on the idea of talking to you...well...I said it because of indifference. Because guess whose indifference I've seen throughout my life. And...yes, it was the indifference of the most ordinary people. In fact, your description almost created an image of you as an ordinary person for me, man. And...it was unpleasant, I didn't want to start communicating with such a person. But then I read your posts, and this image broke down just because of who you are. Because if you think a little bit about what you usually do for people and what kind of efforts you put and what kind of tools you use...can you really call it indifference? People - yes, they are really indifferent assholes. I wasn't "afraid" of a psychopath. I was afraid of your image, which is drawn with the help of human perception of you. "Indifference." You are too alive to be "indifferent." If I'm indifferent - believe me, I don't use literally even 1% of my tools on a person. And humans are just like that, yes (They don't have those tools, but guess who doesn't give a fuck. They do the same thing to us when they talk about empathy, I'm not sorry)

Okay, okay. I'll try to cool down a bit...I don't even really understand what you meant by "crash," but I'm literally 100% sure that it's something that I just don't have. *The displeased sounds of a sad maniac who is lost in her thoughts again and is now grumbling and trying to think about something pleasant to avoid thinking about people too much*. Lmao, I literally have inverted PTSD. What an irony, though.