A Narcissistic Mother who cannot empathise, completely damages her child’s emotional and psychological development. Classically, a Narcissistic Mother attempts to shape her daughter into a version of herself, or her idealised self, through immense and on-going criticism. Recovery from having been raised by one is absolutely horrific, but is usually possible through by replacing the internalised, negative maternal voice with self-nurturing. The Mother is our very first introduction to life and more importantly in psychology, to ourselves. We learn about ourselves and the world first, through interactions with her. We biologically long for her emotional sustenance, her presence and protection. In healthy cases, her empathetic reflections of our feelings, wants, and needs informs us of who we are and that we have value. Very similar to Narcissus in Greek mythology, she sees her children only a reflection of herself. There is no boundary of separateness between her and her children. She simply cannot see them as unique and special individuals worthy of love. The Narc mother sees her daughter as a tremendous threat and she will project onto her children the unwanted aspects of herself, such as selfishness, self-centredness and coldness but also disliked traits and characteristic of her own mother. How does the Narcissistic Mother actually abuse though you may ask? Well, repeated shaming and control, which deeply undermine the developing identity of a young girl. This creates terrible insecurity, that seems to follow her everywhere she may go. She teaches her from a young age - or programmes and conditions her - to not trust her own feelings. The Narc mother is always unhappy - which the child internalises as their own fault. The Mother is somehow always displeased, and sadly the daughter or child doesn’t realise that The Narc Mother will never ever be satisfied. In more severe cases of emotional abuse or neglect, the daughter may begin to feel like she truly has no right to exist, is a massive burden to her mother and should never have been born. Often husbands or partners of Narc Mothers, if not also abusive, are passive - and do not protect their daughters from this maternal psychological abuse. Many of these mothers lie, and of course hide their abuse. The daughter never actually learns how to dis-engage herself or protect herself at all from this harm. She feels defenceless in terms of standing up for herself and doesn’t even recognise this terrible mistreatment until much later in life. She is never accepted by her Mother for just being herself. She has to choose constantly between sacrificing herself or having no love, which leads later on in life to codependency in adult relationships. Her true self is by her Mother constantly rejected, and then later eventually by herself too. The repeated abuse leads to internalised shame - based on the false belief that she is not lovable. But she does not know that, because she has not experienced anything else, until a much older age, she is not aware that this is not normal. How could she ever be worthy of love from another human being when her own mother didn’t love or accept anything about her?

It has been three years since I got out of my toxic relationship with a narcissist. It has been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs, twists and turns, unexpected drops, and few highs since I found the courage to leave. It was hard to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel while forging through the aftermath of my decision to get out. Between filing for restraining orders, pressing charges, child protective service interviews, animal control trying to rescue the dogs from him, court hearings, divorce proceedings, living in hiding to keep us safe, trying to work in order to keep up with the bills, taking care of the kids as well as myself was a daily battle that I fought so hard to maintain. Having to listen to those closest to me tell me that I just needed to move on, get over it, or there was no sense in crying over spilled milk was heartbreaking. I didn't realize how bad the toxicity of that relationship had been until I started talking about it. Hearing it out loud was like having an epiphany over what had been going on for years. Then finding out that this wasn't the first time he had done this made the situation that much worse because he was allowed to do it again. Even after everything that I did to try and have him held accountable for what he did to us did not stop him from moving out of state and repeating the same pattern with other single mothers. To think that it is something that his victims should just "get over" is like pretending the trauma we went through never happened.

Trauma can leave more than a physical mark on a person. The bruises will eventually fade and heal as do broken bones, but the situation that caused those injuries aren't' as easily healed. Especially when one has been in an abusive relationship where events are likely repeated during the course of the relationship. If you have been fortunate enough to escape a relationship like this, count yourself lucky. It doesn't mean that you won't have lasting effects from the toxicity of the relationship. This isn't just something that you can "get over". It has been several years for me and I am still trying to heal myself. I have things that trigger me that I have to work through. I have less nightmares than when I first left, but I still have them from time to time. I have episodes of flash backs because being in this type of relationship is like being in a war. I am hypervigilant, I scan my surroundings, I do not sit with my back to the door, I look for exits when entering a building, and I don't know if I will get to a point where I am not like this. I hope that there will be a time somewhere in the future where I am not doing these things, but I have come to realize that I am this way due to the fact that I have lived in survivor mode for so long that my body doesn't realize that there isn't a need to continue doing these things.

Healing is not linear. Different types of things work better for some than others and some things do not work at all. You have to find what works best for you. It could be individual therapy, art therapy, group therapy, survivor support groups, exercise, changes in your diet, yoga, journaling, supplements, essential oils, aromatherapy, a life coach, advocacy, education, or a combination of things that will help you to heal. I just know that you have to start somewhere and starting by taking care of yourself is such a great place to start. Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but I am worth it and so are you.

They spend a lot of time trying to convince you that they are a great person who’s had a rough time, will talk bad about their family and friends and do and say things to get you to believe that you can’t trust anyone but them, they do this to isolate you so you don’t talk to anyone and you keep secrets so you won’t realize how messed up and wrong their behavior is

They say and do lots of confusing things that don’t add up or make sense but have ways of explaining it so you’re like okay I see your point of view, but there’s always this intuition or truth that you know it doesn’t seem right. You’ll feel confused or question why they act the way they do, you’re always trying to figure them out.

They make suggestions or ask you to do things and when you say no they’ll say okay, I just want you to be happy-but then they’ll continue to bring it up, try to convince you you’ll like it, tell you how much they’d like it, try to change your mind even after you’ve said no.

They lie. When you try to ask about it they twist everything around, or get very defensive, maybe angry. My ex threw a temper tantrum yelling, breaking things, acted crazy, insulted me, and accused me of things when I asked if he was on his phone looking at porn, because it sounded like it. He was in fact chatting and cheating.

You can’t seem to get anywhere in discussions about how you feel or if you’re having problems, or try to discuss issues-it’s never their fault and they’ll start telling you all the things you did wrong or what’s wrong with you until you’re defending yourself for nothing.

They try to make you feel guilty about things. They’ll act like a martyr or like they’re being treated unfairly, that their life is so hard and it’s your fault if you aren’t doing everything their way.

They take way more than they give, emotionally, financially, physically.

They talk bad about you behind your back. You might not know until later but it usually comes out eventually. This is so no one believes you and so they look like a victim.

They don’t seem very compassionate or empathetic about you or your life. They mostly care about how if affects them.

There might be cycles of you trying to talk or getting upset for their behavior and them trying to make things better, turning on the charm, being nice, but it doesn’t last. This is so you gradually get used to their behavior so you are mistreated more and more and treated well less and less. It’s also to keep you hooked so they can keep doing what they’re doing because you’re letting them get away with it.

Hes great isn't he? He gives you all those butterflies and makes you feel on top of the world... like you are the only one that matters to him. He gives you a lot of hope for the future doesn't he? He gives you that sparkle in your eye. His words are so lovely, and the way he holds your hand and cuddles you at night. You really are starting to feel loved aren't you? It feels good to be able to sing those sappy love songs again, and mean every single word. You can see your future right in front of you cant you? He is everything you've ever wanted and more. His smile is so lovely. Those cheeks, that face. The way he just stares are you when there's a million people in the room. It makes you feel really special doesn't it? The kind of love nobody could tear apart....It’s what dreams are really made out of. On top of the world and your floating. You finally have everything you have been waiting for, you think your good karma finally came through.. you just found your soulmate. It is the most magical feeling.

I felt that way too... I was you... and everything I had was pure magic, until it spiraled into my worst nightmare. Its finally when you realize your feelings are only your own. The sparks you feel are only your own.. the love you feel and have is only your own... It is all a one way street to destruction. This is when you finally see words are just words.. and promises are empty words... You want to believe that magic is real, you want to believe you are finally are done searching, you want to believe every way he made you feel was genuine, but it wasn't and it isn't this is when you see what love bombing is, and when you truly uncover a very heartless person. All the love you feel is a manipulation tactic, and you won't be able to grasp that until you see with your own two eyes what path you are going to go down... the road to hell. The one where your find yourself crying with your head on your mirror in the bathroom because your heart is in so many shattered pieces. How can you feel so awful, when kissin him makes you feel so special. It is called love-bombing, and it truly is a game for some.

One person will never be good enough for them.... it is what they call a pity ploy, they pull at your heart strings so you have empathy for them, for their pain and for their struggles, they are a "good person" Until you fall into a self destructive pattern you can't get out of, because all those feelings you use to feel before you saw some hallow hole all felt so RIGHT. ALL of those feelings were hallow. The love and sparks you feel is not real. He will continue to get empathy and attention from other sources because his hallow hole in his chest is so deep, and it takes a lot of supply to fill that hole. You think you'll be enough, you think you'll fill the void.

You will never fill the void, when your eyes start seeing clear and they are no longer fogged by the love bombing and your own feelings, you will see the snake for who he really is... and then you will see the pain and destruction I went through, you will see why I tried to warn people, you will see why I spoke up, and you will see why I let him go when I finally got enough strength to say enough is enough, your love is fake. If I didn't trust my gut feelings I would have never found out the truth. I would have been trapped and would have been continued to be taken advantage of. The things I was able to find out is heart wrenching, and that's when I finally learned he was a fraud.

The love I have in my heart for people is real, my empathy and tears are real. His tears and "compassion" is manipulation for self gain. Watch his words ....watch his actions, watch how many times he bad talks people that only tried to love him. Watch how many times he plays victim so you will coddle him. Watch how many times he breaks down crying for no apparent reason and you care, you wanna show him love right... you want to glue all his pieces back together and hold him tight. It won't work.

Dear M, 

Today was pretty busy since it was finally the day for our friendsgiving dinner party. Been up and running since 9am with only 3 hours worth of sleep, so it was a bit of a struggle in the beginning but I pulled it off in the end. The turkey smelled heavenly all day and ended up tasting great. All of my pies; Chocolate Silk, Chocolate Peanut Butter, Dutch Apple, Pecan, Pumpkin and Butterscotch Cinnamon; were a huge hit. I always feel happy making the Butterscotch Cinnamon pie because I know my husband loves it just as much as he loves Undertale. It was great spending time with a few close friends with good food and good conversations. I honestly can’t wait until the year is finished because hopefully, my job opportunities will replenish and hopefully get a job I will at least enjoy doing. I also hope getting my degree in May will better my chances as well. 

I’m really thinking about making a daily diary for what happens in my day to day life, the good and the bad, while also making entries for things I went through during my childhood at the hands of my very narcissistic family and also writing down stories that happened to me that could be good or bad. I just want to share my stories with people who went through similar things growing up or things that have happened to them as a young adult. It really amazes me all that shit I actually went through in my life thus far. Like it boggles my mind to the point that it almost doesn’t seem real. But it was, I lived it. Some examples would be like: *My parents being forced to get married because my shit father knocked up my mom. I was an accident child and they definitely treated me like one.

*My shit aunts treating me and my sister like we are just these lifeless play things they could do whatever they wanted to. Like cutting all my hair off, making us eat rotten food, a meatloaf filled with candle wax in it, making us sleep on dog piss soaked couch cushions, stealing our jewelry our Nana willed to us after she passed, and a lot of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse.

*Shit dad cheated on my mom multiple times, stole our brand new Wii system and gave it to his whore’s kid. We were very poor growing up so this was obviously traumatizing to have something we wanted so badly and literally stolen from us.

*Mom always telling us we were, stupid, ugly, fat, no ambition, never reach their goals, etc., you get point. 

*Shit dad physically abusing us

*Shit dad stealing our inheritance that was supposed to pay for our college tuition and buying a stupid fucking truck that eventually was repossessed Unfuckingbelivable.