#accommodations

“We [people with disabilities] are the last thing on the HR discrimination list. Companies always list things like, ‘we eliminate discrimination on the basis of gender, race, religion, nationality, identity… oh, and disability.’ It’s just tacked on at the end. The others are mostly about being nice, respectful, and treating people equally. Not discriminating against people with disabilities is more complicated. You need to change your environment, code, the way you design things. You actually need to make changes, and most companies do not want to do that.”

If you care at all about people who have anxiety, autism, OCD, CPTSD, or any other number of "ruminating," "nervous," and "catastrophizing" conditions or dispositions, you need to abandon this phrase and others like it IMMEDIATELY:

"I need to talk, give me a call."

The PROBLEM isn't the request, it's ambiguity and unnecessary room to worry. Here's a little help, for the confused and ambiguous communicating types:

❌ "We need to talk."

✅ "Can we talk? I've been thinking about what you shared last night and I'd like to tell you more about my perspective."

❌ "Have you looked at your email yet?"

✅ "Did you see the email about the flight change? We'll need to update our plans."

❌ "Please come see me sometime today."

✅ "Do you have time to swing by my office and to go over the report? I have some feedback before it gets sent out."

❌ "Give me a call when you have a sec."

✅ "Can you call me so we can talk about when to meet to plan the presentation?"

❌ "When can we talk?"

✅ "When can we catch up? I miss you!"

GUESS WHAT???? Being kind not cryptic does mean saying/typing/sending MORE words vs. less. And that's fine--just say/type/send them. Your choice to take 2 minutes instead of 15 seconds will be a HUGE weight of mental load off your anxious receiver. You may save them hours or days of ruminating/worrying/obsessing.

This is especially important if you have power over them, aka, you are a boss/teacher/parent. Especially because some of these same folks won't feel comfortable saying back to you, "about what?" they'll just go on worrying until you say more. Even if they know they shouldn't. Even if they try their best to "assume positive intent." Even if they take anti anxiety or other mental health meds to help.

INTERESTINGLY, I have also heard people who say they cannot stand it when someone does this to them DO IT TO OTHERS because they forget that it sounds cryptic as fuck and they only remember their own firsthand experience. You may know that when you texted "When can we talk?" you are happily reaching out to chit chat, but they might hear it as "something's wrong in our relationship and it's so bad I'm not going to say it until we talk" and then they are wracking their brains to figure out "what they did wrong" when the answer is literally fucking nothing.

Clarity is kindness.

Which is really hard when you deal with a lot of medical complications quite regularly, especially stigmatized things like chronic illness and autism.

They don't need details, your medical, mental health, or family situation is genuinely none of their business!

In my experience, the two magic words for excusing yourself from work/for lateness without sharing details or opening you up to stigma are "family emergency"

They're specific and formal enough to offer professionally, without offering any details your boss can use to try to argue about or decide on the "validity" of your situation (which is genuinely none of their business) or try to wheedle you into coming in when you can't

Also, as a great many disabled and chronic illness folks can attest, people will typically treat you better if they can assume you're helping take care of a disabled family member than if they know that you are the disabled family member

Also, abled people will often have an easier time understanding a long series of "family emergencies" (vague, could have multiple causes, could have been a different family member each time, and unlike living grandparents, you don't run out of your ability to have family emergencies etc.)

And it's not lying, actually, because hey, you're part of your own family (even if no one else is, even if it's found family, even if it's just you and your cat, etc. etc.)

"This week, the Department of Transportation (DOT) announced a new rule requiring airlines to make bathrooms more accessible for disabled people. All new single-aisle aircraft will be fitted with fully-accessible lavatories.

Most flights inside the United States are single-aisle and as technology has improved, they are used more frequently for long flights, including coast-to-coast trips that can last as long as six hours. Double-aisle plans are already subject to the regulation but are primarily used for international flights.

Out Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg announced the new regulations, saying, “Traveling can be stressful enough without worrying about being able to access a restroom; yet today, millions of wheelchair users are forced to choose between dehydrating themselves before boarding a plane or avoiding air travel altogether.” ...

The secretary has made it a priority to improve service on airlines during his tenure. In 2022, six airlines were forced to pay millions of dollars in refunds to hundreds of thousands of customers and were also fined millions for causing the issues. The department’s firm stance on the side of customers has continued through this year after multiple companies have had meltdowns, stranding thousands of travelers.

All planes delivered to airlines starting in 2026 must include several upgrades. Planes already in service will not need to be retrofitted unless the plane is renovated.

“These aircraft must have at least one lavatory of sufficient size to permit a passenger with a disability (with the help of an assistant, if necessary) to approach, enter, and maneuver within the aircraft lavatory, to use all lavatory facilities, and leave by means of the aircraft’s onboard wheelchair if necessary,” the DOT said in a statement.

Accessible faucets and controls, grab bars, accessible call buttons and door locks, minimum obstruction to the passage of an onboard wheelchair, and an available visual barrier for privacy are also required upgrades."

-via LGBTQ Nation, July 28, 2023

I want to go into a bit more detail on that because I'm sure there are people who would argue harsh policies (like getting a zero for lab if you show up in shorts) do reduce overall incidences of noncompliance, even when no one would ever not comply with the policy on purpose (i.e. noncompliance only happens when people forget), but I want to explain what's happening there.

You are not disincentivizing forgetting. You are not forcing people to remember. You are forcing people with memory issues/anxiety to come up with adaptations that result in them achieving the desired result, whether they remember or not. Ex: being sure they show up to lab wearing long pants.

Prior to my box of emergency lab pants, I was so worried about accidentally forgetting that I established a lab uniform for myself. I wore the same shirt and long pants every Tuesday for lab. I laid out all my clothes a week at a time and put that outfit on every Tuesday. I was supplementing my memory with routine. No thinking, no remembering: just get dressed.

When I was a kid in elementary school, you'd get yelled at for forgetting a book you needed for next period from the cubby in your homeroom even though all the classrooms were connected so that you were always literally feet from your cubby. Like you could go back and get the book in under 60 seconds, but no: You'd get the speech on how you were irresponsible, and sometimes they'd force you to share a book with someone or work without it to "teach you a lesson." I was a sensitive child with an imperfect memory, so what did I do? I carried all my books with me all day and never used my cubby while my classmates just picked up the relevant materials between classes. That behavior lasted all through high school. Got made fun of for constantly carrying every textbook, but guess who never got in trouble for being forgetful or "unprepared"?

I never got a better memory. I just realized people didn't actually care if I remembered; they only cared if I showed up the way they wanted with the stuff they wanted, so I came up with adaptations so that I couldn't forget.

Which begs the question: Why create harsh punishments that force people with imperfect memories to invent these adaptations on a sink or swim basis rather than teaching people coping strategies for when they need to remember things? Like carry everything with you. Or if you need to bring an item you don't ususlly bring with you somewhere, shove it in the bag you always carry. Or leave yourself notes on the door knob of the door you have to exit through to go outside. Or set a reminder on your phone for one minute after your alarm, so you know you'll be holding your phone when the reminder goes off, ensuring you'll see it.