#tw csa

This is paramisia. Rape is done as an act of power/selfishness, not attraction/arousal.

Separating pedophilia from child predation is essential not just in the fight against paramisia, but also in the fight against rape apologism. Spreading the idea that attraction causes rape is what leads people to fakeclaim the experiences of people who were raped by those unattracted to them.

Most child rapists are not pedophiles, just as most men who rape men are not queer [link]. And even if a predator is also a pedophile, it was not their pedophilia that made them a rapist - let me use an example I've given before.

A serial rapist who targets brunettes may have a specific attraction for brunettes, sure, but the preference isn't the motivator to be a rapist. That makes no sense. Most people who are primarily attracted to brunettes aren't going to rape them. There is something beyond attraction that leads a person to rape. They'd have to have an underlying sense of entitlement to the other person's body to do such a thing.

Dear Devon, I don't even know why I'm doing this. My therapist said it might help me deal with my feelings. I think he's a fucking idiot, but that's not the point. Noah said somebody might know where you are now, but I don't know if he's right. I don't think you'll ever see this, or read it. Maybe you will.

I almost hope you do. Even if you're a fucking asshole who left. Everyone keeps telling me that you had to, that you're eighteen and finally free. Like that shit is supposed to make me fucking feel better. It doesn't. You still left. You still got in your car and drove away while Noah and I stayed here. Every fucking time somebody says you "did what you had to do," all I hear is that Noah and I weren't enough of a reason to stay. I know that's probably unfair but I don't care. Things still suck here. I guess these people got over their weird shit with Noah, because now everything is my fault. Noah tries his best to intervene, but I hate when he does it. I think he's been through enough. You're not here to help us. You didn't even think to take us with you. Noah tries to make everything okay, even when it isn't. He's exhausted all the time, and he keeps pretending like he isn't. I think he forgets he's allowed to be upset because he's too busy making sure I'm okay. I don't think either of us is okay. I started playing more hockey. I'm actually pretty good. I scored twice last weekend, and Noah yelled so loud from the stands that everyone looked at him. You would've laughed at him. I think that's the most vocal I've ever seen him. I wish you would have seen it, and maybe that's the stupidest part. I keep imagining you showing up at one of my games. Every time somebody walks into the rink late, I look anyway. I know it's not you, but I still look. I hate that I still look.

Sometimes I get so mad at you I can't sleep. Then I remember dumb stuff instead, like when you used to make grilled cheese because you always burned toast but somehow never grilled cheese. I also remember the time you got your ass beat by the Mormons for burning toast. I still can't stand the smell of burnt toast because of it. I'm sorry that all of that happened to you. I just wish you were here. I can't talk to Noah about some of the stuff going on right now, because I don't want him to freak out and do something stupid. I'm really scared he's going to leave, too. I don't think I can do this by myself. I think I might die here, if I get stuck here by myself. Maybe that's what I deserve.. Maybe.

I don't really remember mom and dad very well anymore. I sometimes remember moments with them when I'm about to fall asleep. I also don't sleep much anymore. I'm too scared. Every time I close my eyes I freak out, like I'm going to wake up with somebody's hands on me again. I don't know how much longer I can keep myself awake before my brain just shuts off completely.

I just want to know what you're doing. How's college? I bet you're doing really good playing hockey. You guys have always been so much better than me. I hope one day I get as good as you. I hope you're happier, even if I hate you for it.

I feel like I’m forced to be a big kid again as I face some stuff. And I hate it

I don’t want to think about anything right now. I just want to look up at the sky and not remember anything and engage in syscourse and be fucking stupid but I feel thinking about old things that happened so long ago, if they even happened at all. It’s bothering me how much of this stuff I still blatantly remember like beating the shit out of other kids and stuff, but that’s a story for another time I guess

I just wish I wasn’t such an oddball I guess? I wish things were simple. Like I can just go “this happened. Anyway this is now” but I can’t really do that all the time. I can’t just forget any of this happened. I was literally put into a fight against animals and other kids and they fucking recorded it and I still have a competitive and low-empathy nature as a result ;^;

I genuinely love manipulating people and pulling strings and I remember certain fighting techniques from it too, because we had to be subtle about it. You could always bet on Miles to beat their asses. Is it bad that I don’t really think on that badly? Just heavily if that makes sense? It weighs heavy on me but I got no emotions about it at all. I dunno I feel like I’m rambling on and on

There were rules because you couldn’t punch their faces. The bruises had to be deniable, if any. And sometimes they happened in a ‘field trip’, or in the arcade grounds. If they weren’t you got punished for it yourself. I was pretty good at it. I feel like I lost once or twice, but that’s what happens when the other kids are programmed to be equally as competitive as you, I guess

Not to mention having multiple programs, didn’t even get into the sexual desiring one for one of the perps and what she did to me. Some days I feel the physical and emotionless conditioning weighing on me more, and I can physically feel them setting off. Other days I feel the sexual programs set off more. Some days I feel an overwhelming urge to harm everyone who stands in my way. Isn’t that great?

are these signs of sexual abuse? I think both of my maternal grandfather's sexually abused me.

More under the cut. CW for the obvious, and graphic-ness