Aug 17
How do I explain to someone that my mother and father literally hate me, not like “oh I have a feeling”
I mean as in I was unplanned, parents were teens, wanted an abortion but couldn’t and have repeatedly told me they hate my guts
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How do I explain to someone that my mother and father literally hate me, not like “oh I have a feeling”
I mean as in I was unplanned, parents were teens, wanted an abortion but couldn’t and have repeatedly told me they hate my guts
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I’m letting myself cry finally. I’ve been trying to hold back. I don’t want to be weak.
I don’t take good care of myself at all. I feel like I deserve to die in my rot and fluids. I don’t brush my teeth. I don’t brush my hair. I don’t eat good. I took a shower today, it felt good but, I don’t deserve to feel good.
Why am I so perverted and disgusting.
My mom told my trauma therapist that I don’t have a sense of self. I hate that. It makes me so angry and upset. I hate that it’s true. I hate myself. I’m not worthy of love, but oh god to I crave it.
Tw: cosca // incest // trauma bond // intrusive thoughts
I am so lost.
I’m having intrusive thoughts. Am I attracted to my cousin who abused me? Am I that absolutely DISGUSTING?? Do I want , to redo what we did when I was a baby? I’m so FILTHY. I’m UGLY IM HORRIBLE. I’m so horrible.
I don’t know what to do. I miss her. Even though I see her all the time. I wonder if she even remembers…
All of these stupid websites can tell me about WHY the vessel's brain is fucked but none of them seem to be able to tell me HOW to manage it or how to fix it. Does it help for me to know that it's anger is likely a defense mechanism and/or a way to deflect when feeling vulnerable and scared and SURE it's worse because of the betrayal trauma, but none of that is helpful in learning how to manage it.
Yes, I am now Aware that the "brain appears to become more likely to misinterpret the actions and intentions of others as hostile and threatening" but how do I get it to lower the defenses? How do I get it to relax?
Vitamin C? I hear Vitamin C can help lower inflammation so maybe if I eat a lot of berries and drink a lot of tea that will also help. With the rink being down, we also haven't been able to take it skating and the lack of exercise and a creative outlet has likely only added to the hypervigilance.
Things have just been incredibly difficult after the funeral. A lot of the vessel's past traumas and deeply held fears and issues got "dusted off" from this last trip. Speaking of, I'm also sure that going out of town every month this year hasn't been in our favor.
I think the best thing I can do for it is to get off all social media and focus on predictable house things and hand hobbies. I am very thankful for the embroidery kit now.
It’s been awhile since I brushed or washed my hair. I try to wash my body everyday, but what’s the point? I still feel disgusting. I feel the heat of the hot summer room, with her, with HER. I still feel his hands all over my body. I still feel him and a different her inside me.It all makes me feel disgusting. I should look disgusting. So no one can use me like that again. I want to be beautiful and healthy, but that’ll never happen. Those things should have never happened to me. I was so little. I’m so destroyed. I’m so lost and I don’t know who I am. I would rather be dissociated all the time , I want to get away.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Everyone and their mother decides to have a breakdown every time I’m 2 seconds away from blowing my shi clean off.
Shut the fuck up
Do you guys ever just become overwhelmed with the urge to make it stop, like not dying but your flight response kicks in and all you want to do is run until you collapse in a better place, either metaphorically or literally.
Made a trauma vent post again cause saw something triggering but I didn’t post it cause it could have come across as too problematic
Basically, if I’m in a relationship, dude, don’t tell me what to do or push me or this girl will be scary!