codependent league brothers Damian and Jason who are so used to being side-by-side and able to communicate 24/7 that living in different parts of Gotham after Damian is introduced to Bruce and Jason becomes the Red Hood is basically torture for them. they’re not within earshot of each other for the first time in over five years and. they don’t take to it well. they end up getting tiny bluetooth ear pieces to keep in one ear so that they can be in a call with each other all day every day without anybody getting suspicious, and it works really well. it’s certainly not an issue for Jason, who lives alone and isn’t really close enough to anybody else for them to notice if he seems to talk to himself on the regular. the issue, of course, is that Damian lives in the manor with the rest of the family. and it is a little hard for them not to notice their youngest talking to air all throughout the day. especially because Damian doesn’t even really hide it, he just keeps talking to nothing in front of them all and then telling them to mind their business when they ask what the fuck he’s talking about.
*the bats chilling at the dining table, eating food*
Bruce, to Tim: so i got that meeting moved to Thursday, and we can talk to the board this afternoon about those plans you discussed with me last night.
Tim: oh, cool. so i’ll come to your office at like, three i guess?
Bruce: sounds good to me.
Jason, in Damian’s ear as he grocery shops in Crime Alley: neat, there’s a three for two offer on that ice cream brand i like. i’ve been craving ice cream all weekend.
Damian, not looking up from his cereal: you should try the new flavour they came out with, it has caramel in it.
Bruce: what was that, chum?
Damian, glancing up at them: i wasn’t talking to you.
Jason: so rude, interjecting themselves into our conversations like that.
Tim, baffled: …what the fuck is happening?
Bruce decides that Damian must just have an imaginary friend or something, so he leaves it be. honestly, anything even remotely childlike Damian is willing to do in public is a massive step forward in Bruce’s eyes, so he’s pretty happy to pretend like nothing’s changed. he even takes part in the conversation sometimes, when he can pick up context simply from what Damian says and has something potentially helpful to add. confused but not willing to look a gift horse in the mouth, Damian occasionally ends up acting as a go-between while Bruce unknowingly has conversations with his dead son, which is weirdly healing for Jason even though Bruce has no idea what he’s really doing.
~Damian quietly drawing in the corner of Bruce’s office while Bruce works~
Jason, in Damian’s ear, as he tries to fix a leak in his apartment: i don’t even understand where the water’s coming from- *grunt* i swear i turned off the valve!
Damian, mildly: this is the third time your sink has broken, at this point just pay for a professional.
Jason: i’m not paying some shmuck to do something i can do myself perfectly well.
Damian: except you can’t do it perfectly well, you’ve been trying to do it perfectly well for the past forty-five minutes and you haven’t even located where the leak is.
Jason: shut up, i’m getting there.
Bruce, wants to bond with Damian and encourage his make-believe: *tentatively* try feeling along the p-trap with a paper towel…?
Damian: *blinks over at him*
Jason, can hear Bruce through Damian’s earpiece: it’s not the p-trap, i checked that.
Damian: …it isn’t the p-trap.
Bruce: then maybe put the plug in and fill the basin with water; it could be an issue with the drain strainer.
Jason: ohhhh i got you, motherfucker! i got it!
Damian: it was the drain strainer?
Jason: it’s the drain strainer! tell B thanks.
Damian: thank you, Father.
Bruce, oddly proud of himself: no problem! you know if you’re interested in fixing things, Damian, i could always show you how to-
Damian: i have no interest in mechanical endeavours whatsoever.
Dick is a little concerned that Damian’s hallucinating or hearing voices at first, but he eventually subscribes to Bruce’s imaginary friend theory and responds pretty much in the same way. the only other theory that keeps cropping up is Tim’s theory, which develops after Damian doesn’t realise Tim’s in the same room as him and mid-debate about the best type of poison firmly refers to Jason by his full government name. this leads Tim to decide that Damian can commune with the dead, and is being haunted/followed around by the friendly ghost of the second Robin. Tim then becomes worried that he’s upset Jason’s ghost when he became Robin, and starts flitting about Damian nervously while trying to find out if there’s a way to make peace with Jason’s restless spirit.
Damian goes with it because he thinks it’s funny.
Tim: is it like- is it an unfinished business thing? is he trapped to this mortal realm with no way to pass on? do we need to help him???
Jason, having the time of his life: tell him my ghost wants twenty dollars.
Tim, looking around frantically: what’d he say?!?!?!
Jason: no, shut up, tell him i want twenty dollars.
Damian: ….he says he wants twenty dollars.
Tim: …why would a ghost want twenty dollars?
Jason: to buy stuff from the ghost vending machine. obviously.
Damian: ok. you’re an idiot.
*noise of water from the earpiece*
Damian: …are you taking a fucking shower right now?
Jason: what, ghosts cant have showers? listen- you gotta tell him that to get physical items into the spirit realm you have to burn them as sacrifice. we’re gonna get him to set all his shit on fire.
Damian: why would you want everything to be set on fire?
Tim: he wants us to set stuff on fire? *slightly worried* …is he a vengeful ghost?
Damian: why can’t you just be like Father and presume i’m simply a whimsical child?
the family literally only finds out that Jason and Damian have been in a constant never-ending phone call when Jason finally ends up back with the family and joins them on a group patrol, and three minutes into being in the same vicinity Damian complains about the feedback-echo and digs the earpiece out. family patrol night rapidly devolves into a Gotham-wide screaming match as everybody indignantly tries to come to terms with the fact that Damian’s been fucking perma-skyping Jason for the past year and a half without telling them, while Jason delights in telling them all the stupid shit he’s heard through Damian’s earpiece while they haven’t known he’s listening.
