Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable
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@navigatorsnorth
Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable

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Alec Hardison
The first time Hardison thinks about it, he’s doing their regular, seasonal ID clean up.
The team burns through IDs so quickly that he has to take the time to maintain them, even when there hasn’t necessarily been an emergency. Whether it’s burning identities they’ve destroyed, or just solidifying some—a Facebook post here, an updated LinkedIn profile, some new online friends, filing their taxes—they need maintenance.
He makes IDs practically every day, tailoring them to fit cons. These are more…these are like old favorites, he thinks, to continue the clothes metaphor. Tailored already, well-worn, in the back of the closet for when they’re needed again. Taken in or let out as needed.
The adjustments usually aren’t too big, by design. These are, for the most part, boring people. Each of them has one more outlandish ID, but most passports they keep under their bed are for boring people, people who could get on a plane without causing any fuss, people who could get a loan just fine without being extraordinary. Ordinary, every day people don’t need many major life updates.
Except Parker had just torn her ACL on a job, and the hospital hadn’t told him anything while she was unconscious. Nothing. Not a damn word.
So he quietly marries Alice White and Didi Grant to Alexander Smith and Luke Waters.
And then he goes and marries Jane Smith and Michelle Frank to Derek Jones and Kurt Dowe. He even frames up some nice Honeymoon pictures for Parker and Eliot.
And then, while he’s at it, he marries Matthew Smith to David Price.
When he’s done, most of their most significant IDs are married to one or the other of their little trio. He’s doctored well over a hundred pictures—wedding shots for fancy ceremonies, and little elopements, and private, small, intimate weddings, and honeymoon shots, and dates, and everything else to make these relationships real—and he’s filed their taxes jointly. He’s legally changed some last names, filed change of address forms, and gotten official marriage licenses sent to him.
In short, he’s spent more time on this little fantasy world than he would ever care to admit.
Parker and Eliot don’t really monitor their IDs, he knows, other than keeping track of whose licenses and passports they plan on carrying at any given time. They probably don’t know what he did.
But he does. And he can tell himself all he wants that it’s just in case one of them gets hurt, but that doesn’t make it any more true.
Good thieves don’t lie to themselves, after all.
Parker
They say the words for the first time when they’re in DC together, and Parker is good enough with people now to know that they don’t understand them the same way she does.
Maybe Alec does. The way he looks in her eyes, the small smile he gives her after…She’d have to ask Sophie, to be sure, but she knows. Alec gets it.
Alec gets everything, has since the very beginning. He got pretzels and got her, even when he doesn’t really understand what’s going on inside her brain. He still gets her.
Eliot…he gets what’s going on inside her brain. They’re too alike, she knows. And it’s good, that they’re both on the team, that they do what they can do. But he doesn’t get it, because a few months ago, she wouldn’t have gotten it.
Still, the way Eliot’s eyes soften when she reminds him of their agreement, of how they’re in this together, for better or worse, the way he doesn’t send them away even when he wants to…maybe he’s getting it too.
Eliot doesn’t get it the same way she and Alec do. They’ve made their promises, said their words aready. Eliot…Eliot sleeps in their bed and kisses them sometimes and doesn’t leave, never leaves. It’s enough.
She wants more. She let them take down her walls, like Sophie said. She fell into love like jumping off a building, and she knows they’re always there to catch her. She just wishes they could all jump into this together.
Still. Alec was patient with her. She can be patient with Eliot.
Several months later, Eliot looks at the two of them with a softness in his eyes she’s never seen before and says he’s never needed anything but them, and promises to be with them until his dying day. Parker watches him back, catches his eyes. He doesn’t look away.
Parker looks away first, heart thrumming in a way it gets during a particularly good robbery. Like the diamonds are in her hand. Like she cracked the whole vault.
Forever, she wants to say. For better or worse, forever.
Eliot Spencer
Eliot’s not an idiot.
Some people might argue different, and, to be fair, it has taken him a while to figure it out.
Sophie sends them a gift for their anniversary. It’s a painting, of course, and it probably could keep the Brew pub afloat for years if they sold it on the back market. Hardison hangs it in the apartment.
Eliot…Eliot is aware he works here, both in the Pub and doing his real job. He sleeps here, too. As a matter of fact, he sleeps in their bed, and has for…well, since long before Nate and Sophie left. Pretending he was handling the Pub’s business was a good enough excuse to always be there.
He kisses them, too, in that soft way they like, Hardison always overly affectionate and Parker letting down her walls enough to demand the affection she was denied so long. With any other friends it would be strange, or wrong, but not with them. It just…is.
He loves them with his whole heart, will love them until his dying day, and that’s enough.
And then the painting comes. And then the painting comes addressed to them and their aliases, to not one, not two, but six married couples.
Eliot blinks at it a bit, but doesn’t say anything, just uses the computer Hardison set him up on to search up those names.
Pictures of them, doctored by Hardison, on honeymoons and anniversaries, romantic dinners and walks on the beach. Couples, just like Sophie said.
For better or worse, we change together.
Eliot swallows, and goes shopping.
Alec stares at the rings. “For…for Matthew and David? Or—“
Eliot’s already shaking his head. “For Alec Hardison. And Parker. And me,” he clarifies. Eliot doesn’t get nervous anymore. That was beaten out of him long ago. Somehow, he still feels it, his heart seizing, waiting for its absolution. He could have read this wrong. They’re a team, the IDs are convenient, the words mean family and team too. They could want to get married. They could love him as they always have, and he could have ruined it, because they’ll never be convinced he’s okay with that again.
He’s not convinced he’ll be okay with that again. He will be, for them, of course he will be when the alternative is being lost again, but—
Parker, he realizes, has already stolen the band from his hand, the one with the diamonds he knows she’d appreciate, and slid it on her left hand, studying it in the setting sunlight. “I like it.”
Alec takes his own band, but doesn’t put it on. “No going back now,” he warns.
Eliot slides the band on for him. “Haven’t you heard?” He says, and then has to stop a moment when Alec picks up the last band, then takes Eliot’s hand, “I’m in this for the rest of my life.”
I LOVE IT
I would like to request what I call the "Ghibli curse": May all food taste like ash in your mouth
It's adapted Calcifer the fire demon saying this classic line:
I don't eat meat, so I needed something more devastating 😈
my controversial opinion is I don’t think Zuko was confused by “my first girlfriend turned into the moon”
he was there during siege of the North. he infiltrated the spirit oasis. he has an uncle who studies spirits and the spirit world. he watched the sky go dark then the moon suddenly reappear like everyone else in the entire world did. and most importantly he watched zhao get eaten by a giant godzilla fish spirit.
his entire life since he saw that beam of blue-white light in the south pole has been ‘this day has already been so goddamn weird’
The only really new information was that that was Sokka’s girlfriend
Important opinion in the tags that I need to have be part of the post:
Also, Iroh was there? He literally watched Sokka make out with the moon spirit. And you want to tell me that a romantic sap like him would not have immediately told Zuko about this romantic tragedy? Please, Zuko has known about this for ages, he just knows that this is not an acceptable situation in which to say “yeah, I know.”
Sokka: “My girlfriend turned into the moon.”
Zuko: “I know.” “Yes.” “She sure did.” “Uh huh.” “Tell me something new.” “Are we still talking about that?” “That’s rough, buddy.”
[image: tags by samwisethebold: #it’s not that he doesn’t get what sokka means #it’s that how on earth do you respond to that]
When you put it like that, this is actually a legendary display of tact on Zuko’s part
Holly how long should i boil my noodles for
If you don’t want to read the package directions I’m going to tell you to boil them for about thirty minutes & enjoy my new meal (name of “Wet Incident”)

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also a poem from the new, unreleased collection. very possibly my own all-time favourite.
I can't describe how much I love this poem. I want to hug it.
yeah
my child also has a label maker. All children should be given label makers.

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Our local newspaper ran a story about the legendary graffiti artist who recently passed away and. Literally everything about it is fucking insane. I'm insane about it.
So this guy has been extremely active for around fifteen years, during which he spread these beautiful, high quality pieces all over the country, way over a thousand of his standard signature, and probably thousands more. He did completely batshit stuff like literally spray painting an entire train from top to bottom or leaving his signature at the top of a 600ft tall overpass and this whole time, only five people from his crew know who he really is. To everyone else it's a complete mystery.
And then he dies at the age of 35. A few weeks after his death, his crew shows up at his completely unassuming parents' doorstep, reveals who they are and asks if they can host a memorial exhibition of his art.
Turns out, this dude has been leading an insane double life. In the daytime he was a meek little office worker with a partially paralyzed arm and no social life to speak of. In the nighttime he was a fucking legend. Not only did he climb that fucking 600ft overpass, he did it WITH A PHYSICAL DISABILITY. THE MADLAD. And throughout the entire time, fifteen years, he got caught once. ONCE. HE DID ALL THAT UNNOTICED. THAT'S INSANE.
Op do you know where one could find his art?
His pseudonym is EXUDT, you can find a lot of it posted by spotters on Instagram and Facebook, and I think I saw a few photos of his art on Tumblr over the years:)
https://www.instagram.com/exud.t/
There's some really great pictures over on flickr too.
This post has been blowing up so I wanted to add some personal anecdotes regarding EXUDT:
I went to the memorial exhibition his friends and family hosted and it was probably one of the most breathtaking experiences I've ever had. The entire art scene of the city showed up. They screened a movie they made out of videos EXUDT shot of himself painting and it was so crowded that not everybody fit into the backyard where the exhibition was.
His mum baked his favourite cake for the exhibition visitors 🥺🥺🥺
EXUDT left his standard signature in every single town/village in the federal state and there was a showcase with a map of the state, surrounded by photos of all signatures which were connected to their location with a thread. I overheard the guy who set that display up asking his friends over and over if it's good and dignified enough to honour his friend. Despite the fact that he increasingly withdrew, this guy was so, so loved by his community.
In the area where I grew up you practically can't go anywhere without seeing his signature. When I take the train to my beloved, I pass by 25 signatures visible from the train alone. On my way from home to my university campus there's 13.
Despite increased police presence in the city center, his crew managed to leave a small memorial painting right at the control hotspot. It reads "EXUDT 4 EVA - DANIEL FOREVER."
EXUDT was caught in the act by the police exactly once. Coincidentally, that night I was also out spraying and because I was drunk I got bold and sprayed a massive heart on the courthouse. Looking back, I think the only reason I didn't get caught was because he got caught two streets away. Thanks for that haha
Someone was looking for this post a while back
sobbing and crying at the woman who stole a meth addicted kitten from her dealer and then she and the kitten got clean together
thats love baby!!
TUMBLR STORY TIME.
I volunteer for my local shelter and when the weather's good, we do a free vaccine clinic every Friday. Free distemper, free rabies, cats and dogs. We hand out free food from the pet pantry, we give people leashes and collars, we do whatever we can to keep people's animals at home and healthy. Every animal that can stay home and be fed and be vaccinated is an animal that we can keep out of the shelter.
We get all kinds of folks, sometimes we even get backyard breeders but we don't do any judgment, because we want people to come and get their dogs vaccinated, because one parvo case costs $7000+ and the whole year of Parvo vaccines for hundreds of dogs costs less. It's just harm reduction, everything we do is harm reduction.
So anyway, this one day this woman comes up to the vax clinic and she is high as fuckin' hell, just obliterated fucked up, smoking a joint in line, and she has this TINY pibble puppy with her, maaaaybe four weeks old. This thing is so fuckin tiny and wormy and lethargic, and she's like, "Hey I heard I can get her shots." and we're like, oh fuck this puppy is gonna die. Like straight up, we were all like, fuck that dog is gonna die. So we gave her wormer, we gave the first distemper shot, and I put together a whole care package: wormer to take home, puppy milk replacer, puppy wet food, a leash, a harness, some blankets, toys, we gave her instructions on how to get the puppy eating food, and we told her to come back in 3 weeks for the follow up vaccine. And we were all like, well fuck, that puppy's gonna die, goddamnit, that's so fucked up. But you know, we did our best, and we hoped we'd see her again.
And in three weeks, you guys, she showed up. And she was still high, but like, half-high this time. Smoking a cigartte in line but like, could focus, could ask and answer questions. And she'd taught that tiny puppy how to SIT and had her walking on a leash. We found out that it took her three buses to get to the clinic, and she told us all about how she got the puppy eating right, got her stool solid, she was taking her on walks... The puppy looked so good, you guys. I almost cried, it was so big. Really happy puppy. At the end of the visit, we were like, ok, see you in three more weeks for the next distemper.
So three weeks later, she shows up, and she's sober, and she told us, "You know, I was really fucked up the day I bought that puppy, I wasn't sure I was going to live, and I bought that puppy and she was too young, and I didn't know what I was doing but y'all were so nice to me, and you helped me so much, and I knew that I had to give this puppy the best life I could, so I moved back in with my grandma, and I'm getting clean, and I'm on methadone, and I'm going to rehab next week, and when I get back, I'll come back and visit you guys again."
So I just wanna say. Sometimes it's hard to find a reason to get clean for yourself. Sometimes you gotta do it for a little critter that depends on you.
i really like that pictures of anteaters swimming look like someone tried to recreate the loch ness monster on a budget like
Absolute gold in the replies

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People are like “these animals have exoskeletons and these ones have endoskeletons” but no. It’s all exoskeletons, your exoskeleton is protecting your bone marrow which is where your soul (which is you) is. The rest of the stuff is extraneous decoration that Big Pharma wants you to think is important/
Why do you think there’s so few ghosts around? Why are most ghosts people who died violently? You gotta crack the bones to let the soul out. Most souls are trapped alone in the dark and silent ground (or teaching hospitals) for hundreds or thousands of years until the bones eventually start to break. People who are cremated get their whole soul released and it can reincarnate. But if someone dies violently then maybe only a couple of their bones are cracked and a little scrap of the soul escapes but it’s incomplete and confused. Can’t figure out how to leave, gets obsessed with its own circumstances, repeats actions, CANNOT be reasoned with. PROOF that the soul is in the marrow.
See I know what I’m talking about.
Sin is stored in the teeth btw which is why young children are innocent (they’ll get a do-over with replacement teeth) and the elderly are shameless (once you have no teeth to remember your sins, you have nothing to fear).
Upon review I think that maybe vodka isn’t for me.