Please do not perceive me

If you are looking at all the things she has said, and you are hearing people say, "Do not engage with this media," and your response is STILL to say, "But I know what she's saying is wrong and I still love Harry Potter! Death of the author! As long as we're not directly buying things from her it's totally okay to engage with her IP, which is inextricably linked with her as a person!"

so eventually once he is able to admit to himself that he misses shane hollander like a missing limb, he decides he's gonna make a real effort to woo him and win him back. it's a whole russian drama with a score by tchaikovsky in his mind. hopefully without a classic russian tragic ending, though. the ending can be boring and canadian, that would be fine. preferable, even.

but the thing he doesn't realize in his grand romantic plans is that shane is not aware he has any grand romantic plans. shane thinks he's just here to get some scraps of warmth and intimacy and comfort (and great sex), and then it'll become too much and ilya will once again run away. it's what shane expects of him at this point. it's certainly not like ilya has told him any of the realizations he's had about himself over the last several months. ilya just shows up and goes hi shane i brought you flowers. can i come in? and shane is like oh um yeah sure!

but it's going to hit ilya like a sledgehammer when they're settled in bed in the afterglow, and shane glances over at him and quietly asks how long he's staying this time. and he doesn't even look hurt. that's the worst part of it. he thinks ilya came here to hang out, have dinner, fuck him, and then leave. like they used to. hell, this is more than they used to do - they never used to hang out and eat together, most of the time.

and shane thinks that's what ilya wants from him, even after everything. after ilya cried in his arms, after ilya told him he loved him (in russian, but still!), after he invited ilya to his private sanctuary.

and ilya said no.

and then he came back. he came back and he wants to stay and he wants to let himself actually love shane, and he thought shane understood that when he brought him flowers, because shane let him into his home and then into his bed again. he thought shane understood.

but shane thinks ilya wants to leave him again. and he still let him in. it kind of breaks ilya's heart for him.

so he says, "what are you saying, shane? i want to stay as long as you'll let me. i mean, ok, my flight is tomorrow evening, but until then. you think i would just walk away from you again now?"

and shane looks at him a little oddly and says, "...uh, yeah? that's what you do."

and ilya, incredulous, asks him, "okay, then why on earth did you still let me in?"

and shane shrugs a little and says, "well, i guess i've accepted i'm not moving on from you. i'll take what i can get. and then when you leave again i'll just... wait for you to come back, i guess. what else am i gonna do?"

and ilya just flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling for a minute, overwhelmed. tugs shane into his arms, onto his chest, over his heart. shane thinks he's always going to leave him, and he's ready to live on scraps? that's... that's not right.

"hollander," he says, devastated. "you need higher standards. you should have more self respect than this."

and shane snorts against his collarbone like he's just said something funny, then tells him, "thanks for the flowers, though. they're really pretty."

"i want to stay," ilya tells him, again. not just tonight, but in general. he wants to stay so badly it aches. "will you believe me?"

shane hesitates. "i... believe that you believe that," he says. "for now, at least."

but i won't be surprised when you change your mind, he doesn't need to add. ilya hears it anyway.

so he just lies there for a minute, wondering how it got like this. holding shane and petting his hair. thinking back on all their years together and not together. maybe saying over and over that they couldn't be anything, that he couldn't ever commit to him, and that cowardly maybe because he couldn't bring himself to say no... maybe all of that did leave its mark on shane. and now ilya will have to work to make him believe that he really does mean it this time.

the legendary post by @smokingrozanov

my prompts are open atm but pls be patient with me :)

-

It takes Shane's eyes a second to focus on the rainbow pin on the front of Harris' denim jacket.

"Where do you get those?" he asks. There's too much spit in his mouth, so he swallows, licks his lips. He has to scream a little; they ended up at a club with the team tonight. And clubs usually mean somebody tries to get Shane drunk.

"What?" Harris asks. Shane gestures to his pins with an uncoordinated hand. He shouldn't have taken that tequila from Bood. "Oh, my pins?" Harris' eyes crinkle in the corners when he smiles. He's not really attractive to Shane at all, but at the same time, maybe he can see it after all. "I buy them whenever I see them in shops. Sometimes, friends gift me one, bring one from vacation, that sort of stuff."

"That's really nice," Shane says. Then, "How did you know you were gay?"

Harris looks amused. It's an expression Shane is familiar with on other people's faces, however, he doesn't think Harris is making fun of him right now. "Um, I guess when I was five and wanted to marry my friend Steven in kindergarten." He laughs. "When did you know?"

"When I was sucking Ilya's dick." It comes out before Shane's drunk brain can catch up with his mouth. "Oh. Sorry."

Harris laughs, reaching out to squeeze Shane's shoulder. It's nice, friendly, in a different way than all the manly, hyper-masculine shoulder slaps Shane gets from his teammates. "Not the worst way to realize!"

For some reason, this makes Shane giggle. "No, not at all. He didn't even have to tell me to do it, I just did it!"

Harris laughs. "Oh wow, good for you. And him."

Shane lets out a drawn-out, "Yeeeah" followed by a sigh. "Took me forever to be honest with myself, though."

"I'm glad you were, in the end." Harris' smile is genuine.

"Yeah, me too," Shane admits. Harris still has his hand on Shane's shoulder, which feels nice. Stabilizing. "I think maybe... I think maybe I always loved dick too much to ever be with a woman." Another sigh. "And Ilya has... he has such a great dick. It's like... so big, so hot..."

Shane's eyes drift shut at the thought. He knows he shouldn't be saying these things but he also can't stop his mouth from doing so.

"That's awesome, buddy," Harris says, and Shane can tell that he's trying not to laugh.

"Sorry," Shane sighs, forcing his eyes open. "I should shut up."

"No!" Harris pats his cheek, "Hey, I'm happy for you. You're allowed to be unapologetically gay, okay?"

Suddenly, there are tears in Shane's eyes and his throat is closing up because hearing this from another queer person is... something. Something Shane suddenly feels deep in his chest, amplified by the booze in his system. He reaches out, hugging Harris. "Thank you for saying that."

"Oh-" Harris freezes for a split-second, but immediately hugs him right back. It's a good hug; he's soft and he smells nice and he's stroking Shane's back. Shane sniffles, and Harris squeezes him harder. "Of course, buddy. It's okay to love dick."

Shane laughs. When he pulls back, Harris quickly wipes his tears away.

"You're too nice for Troy," Shane sighs; this time, Harris laughs for real.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Shane." Before Shane can say something else, Harris adds, "How about we find your husband now?"

Shane nods, perking up at the mention of Ilya. "I'd like that."

If you describe it as ‘heteronormative’ you’re ignoring the huge swaths of queer people who also want kids. having children isn’t an explicitly hetero thing and it’s kind of weird to imply that.