I like my coffee with cool whip and uranium

The Timetables of History by Bernard Grun

I grew up with this book, which is frickin’ enormous, and it was endlessly fascinating to young me to pour over the side by side comparison of events taking place concurrently under different headings and in different parts of the world.

Or if you want something you can put on your wall, there’s this:

Calculating Empires: A Genealogy of Technology and Power Since 1500

✨️with a special focus on colonialism, militarization, automation, and enclosure✨️

Let’s address the elephant in the court. I see you all reblogging posts about "women’s wrongs" and "gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss." Cute. Very modern. But let’s be entirely transparent- I invented the blueprint.

While your current icons are busy getting canceled on Twitter, I was busy dissolving the traditional aristocratic hierarchy, weaponizing a secret police force, and rebranding myself as the literal incarnation of Maitreya Buddha because the existing religious infrastructure didn’t afford me enough tax exemptions.

I’m seeing a lot of discourse about my "ruthless rise to power." First of all, it’s called upward mobility. Second of all, if my stepsons didn't want to be exiled to the provincial swamps, they simply should have been better at statecraft. It is not my fault that competency is a scarce resource in the Li family.

To the haters currently crying in my asks about the "illegal usurpation of the Tang Dynasty": I created the Zhou Dynasty out of thin air because the previous branding didn't suit my complexion. Cry about it. Cry to the censors. Oh wait, I replaced them all with merit-based scholars who actually passed their exams.

A few ground rules for this blog:

* No cats. Do not send them to my inbox. Do not tag me in them. Lady Xiao knows what she did, and I am not taking chances with the transmigration of souls.

* Anon hate will be redirected to the tribunal. If you have a grievance, state your name and province so my ministers can properly log your treason.

* The stele stays blank. I don't need a bio. My track record speaks for itself.

Anyway. Reblog for good luck or I’ll restructure your family's tax bracket.

The Ottolenghi - it is vital that you use 1g of this very expensive ingredient. It comes from a 500g bag with a one-week shelf life.

The time machine - 15-minute recipe! First, leave to marinate overnight...

The dishwasher - one-pot recipe! Now decant your ingredients and wipe out your pot. And again. And again. And again.

The optimist - cook the onions until caramelised (2 minutes).

The kindergarten teacher - get one nommable little tree of broccoli and bosh that into boiling water. Delish!

The brand names only - ingredients: Ritz crackers, Philadelphia cheese, Cool Whip, orange Jell-o...

The 1950s palate - use one (1) clove of garlic and a small pinch of chili flakes (omit if preferred).

𝙹𝚞𝚕𝚢 𝟷, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺, 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

“July 1. Too tired.” — Franz Kafka, The Diaries of Franz Kafka: 1914-1923 “I am tired of lies and deformities. I need absolution.” — Anaïs Nin, The Journals [Vol.1], 1931–1934 “I was very fond of you, but now I’m so, so tired…” — Albert Camus, The Plague “I am tired of waiting on life,” — Charles Bukowski, Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way: New Poems “I am so tired of that old suffering. I want life to go forward.” — Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait in Letters

Billy Alec Baldwin as The Shadow (1994).

"Desert & Kit Foxes, Compared"

Lives of Game Animals, Volume 1 - Part 2. 1925. Written and illustrated by Ernest Thompson Seton.

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