go forth and have no fear

in terms of "dead dove" tropes in general one of my favourite ways to pervert an otherwise healthy and consensual relationship is to have one of the characters be responsible for something that was objectively and unsympathetically their fault and that they're determined to spend the rest of their lives making up for, but are unwilling (or unable) to confess to their new partner who only knows them as they are now and not as the shameful fuckup they once were, so they end up convincing themselves that they're essentially committing rape by deception - for the entirely selfish reason that is wanting to prove that they can succeed in obtaining and keeping one genuinely good, stable, unblemished thing in their life - by concealing it. but because they both desire comfort and don't feel that they deserve it they continue to do so, going so far as to try to prevent their partner from being exposed to any situation or interaction where they might learn the truth, even as it becomes a case of using them and the relationship to self-harm to satisfy their unresolved guilt that only grows with each passing moment.

and then, just when they've finally started to relax and let themself consider that maybe, just maybe, they do actually deserve to be happy and move on with their life, that's when the other shoe drops and their partner stumbles across the information that fleshes out and gives shape to the unspoken thing that's been hanging over their relationship since day one, to the point that they'd adjusted to living in its shadow, in the least favourable circumstances possible. building your home in someone only to find out that your house is haunted and the spectre has been in the room with you this entire time >>>>>

This is just what living with OCD is like 🫠

I have heard a variant on it that I really like: "You cannot hate yourself into someone you can love."

Not even sure if he wants me anymore. I think I'm just all he knows, the safe option.