Jester @crookedstarchild - Tumblr Blog

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helloitsbees

propaganda on my dash

helloitsbees

WHAT IS THE CHARGE? BOINKING AN OOMF? A LONGTIME, SHORT-DISTANCE OOMF?

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tlirsgender

Hardest part of writing is accepting that some people will not fucking get it & you just have to like cope with that because over-explaining it just makes it worse

tlirsgender

I will not over-explain my art to the stupidest people on earth. I'm writing for people who know what I'm talking about. Mantra that will save you. David Lynch was right

petemcvries23

the natural lifespan of a fandom is unlimited. when well tended a fandom can be functionally immortal. and yet everywhere you look you see newly bred fandoms withering and dying when they’re barely a year old. barely even six months old. fans are looking at their six month old fandoms and saying i think it’s on its last legs, should i euthanise it? when with the proper care that fandom could outlive them for decades. it’s sad. sad state of affairs we’re in.

lux-scriptum

No, you see, I wish to be an author. Not in marketing. Or an influencer. I wish to tell my stories, be told I did a fantastic job, and then go back to my hovel to scribble some more. I am delicate of constitution and awkward in crowds.

san-sebastienne

(I got ambushed yesterday at the dog park by a woman who was giving out Christian literature, so I did some art with it. Genuinely that woman could have had no way of knowing what she did for me)

san-sebastienne

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koko2unite

this is how I imagine having a werewolf boyfriend looks like

paper-mario-wiki

hey consider watching this!

if you were hoping Dungeon Meshi was going to be a chill found family cooking romp and were disappointed that it wasn't, THIS is the show you were looking for!

it's called Campfire Cooking In Another World With My Absurd Skill (mouthful of a title but that's light novels baby). it's about a man living a quiet life, camping and cooking with his legendary beast husband (pictured here) and their adopted child (a slime).

if you're wondering what the absurd skill is: he has magical access to an online supermarket. that's it.

kingcatnine

guards! read me my bedtime yaoi

seven-oh-four

my liege if you keep having all of the guards come to your bedroom to read you bedtime stories, there will be no one to actually guard the castle during that time!

kingcatnine

any intruders are welcome to join us for story time

cvntkisser

my liege the enemies to lovers yaoi is affecting your perception of the danger of real enemies.

kingcatnine

when will it be my turn.

lapt0pp

how to grow the fuck up

friendliness

Home

what the hell is a mortgage?

first apartment essentials checklist

how to care for cacti and succulents

the care and keeping of plants

Getting an apartment

Money

earn $50-$100 by taking surveys

how to coupon

what to do when you can’t pay your bills

see if you’re paying too much for your cell phone bill

54 ways to save money

How to do Your Own Taxes

Health

how to take care of yourself when you’re sick

things to bring to a doctor’s appointment

how to get free therapy

how to prevent a hangover

a list of stress relievers

how to remove a splinter

Emergency

rights when cops pull you over

a list of hotlines in a crisis

things to keep in your car

how to do the heimlich maneuver

Job

time management

create a resume

find the right career

choosing a major

job interview tips

how to stop procrastinating

How to write cover letters

Travel

ultimate packing list

traveling when you have no money

best way to pack a suitcase

how to apply for a passport

how to make a travel budget

Better You

read the news

leave your childhood traumas behind

how to quit smoking

how to stop skipping breakfast

how to stop micromanaging

ways to get better at asking for help

how to stop being a pushover

learn another language

how to improve your self-esteem

how to sew

reasons to stay alive

small daily goals

eatingdisorderssuck01

Imma need this eventually cause they don’t teach you jack squat in school

sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes

Ima schedule to reblog this when I’m 16.

mxdragonturtle

Ima need this eventually

ace-lost-in-motherfucking-space

same fam.

angelmavmurdock

reblogging so i have it for when i leave school in a year yessir

the-haiku-bot

reblogging so i

have it for when i leave school

in a year yessir

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

yes-im-youtube-kids

will need this in future

littlebeanprotector

I might even need some of these now

4gifs

socially-awkward-supervillian

Fun fact: Cheetahs only attack prey that runs

youwinagainmoffat-blog

jesus that is good to know.

chandra75-deactivated20180905

Yup, that’s the point you just stay still and let it do whatever the fuck it wants that doesn’t involved you getting eaten.

magehenry-moved-blog

REALLY FUN FACT for big cats cheetahs are fucking docile as shit

my grandfather ran a cheetah sanctuary in south africa and he’d just lie with them and sleep among them and they’d rub against him and chirp at him they’re big fucking babies

pkmnbreederbrianna

Another Fun Fact: Cheetahs are incredibly nervous animals. One of the (many) reason’s they’re going extinct is that cheetahs are so sensitive and nervous, some of them are literally too nervous to breed. Others will breed, but stress themselves out so much, they’ll lose their cubs. So zoos with breeding programs had to figure out how to make cheetahs comfortable enough to first of all, get laid and secondly - not spazz themselves into miscarrying. So what’d they do? They gave the cheetah’s their very own Service Dogs! The dogs make them feel safe, protected and secure!

emo-islandniles

AJHHHHFDDGHH SO PRECIOUS

renirabbit

this post just got so much better

enjoying-nudiustertian-deactiva

THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY FAVOURITE POST

wylltingtrees

sashayed

this is emmett and cullen they are best friends

clover11-10

This is the greatest thing I’ve seen all day.

Dogs are truly angels.

oshiawaseni

so THATS why these cheetah ft dogo pics exist

erin-luci-and-me

the anxiety cat

peppermint-madness

Also! Cheetahs are not in fact classified as big cats, they are simply very large lesser cats, due to the fact that they purr, meow, chirp, and cannot roar. Also many cheetahs have learned to recognize wildlife photographers are friends and not foes, so they will just come up to people and be friendly occasionally as pictured at the top of the chain. Some will even leave their Cubs with photographers to look after while they hunt. So. Yeah. Cheetahs are great

elfwreck

bunjywunjy

this works because cheetahs are actually fairly social animals, and they look to members of their group for context on how worried they should be about any given Situation. but since cheetahs are also nervous social animals, they can work each other into an anxiety spiral pretty easily over things like “being in an enclosed habitat” and “there’s a guy over there”.

so by introducing a dog as a member of the group, the cheetahs will now look to the dog for context clues on how worried they should be! and the dog Is Not Worried At All, Thanks, so the cheetahs think everything must be chill even if they were personally unsure about it, and they stop being so freaked out about literally everything.

june-egbert-official

Cheetah: oh god what’s going on how are we feeling weird spotless cheetah

Dog: :) fine, thanks

Cheetah: :) oh, okay

greatlordfluffernutter

theconcealedweapon

flightyquinn

Some other bangers;

"Jack of all trades, master of none" ... "but ofttimes better than a master of one."

"Blood is thicker than water." "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb."

"Money is the root of all evil." "The love of money is the root of all evil."

professionalchaoticdumbass

there's also "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" which conservatives are oh so fond of saying

bootstraps are, well, straps on your boots. you cannot physically pull yourself up by them, and that's what the original phrase meant. "pulling oneself up by the bootstraps" is meant to be an impossible task

adorkastock

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness."

The second part really matters.

kedreeva

Some more:

"Birds of a feather flock together- until the cat comes." - The first part gets quoted a lot in a "find your people" kind of way, but the full quote is a warning about basing relationships on "feathers" (looks, surface details, etc) only.

"Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back." - The first part is often used like a warning against curiosity, but the full quote encourages it.

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." - The first part is often used to get people to do stuff first/fast/early, but the full saying imparts that sometimes, not being the first can work out better.

"Rome wasn't built in a day, but they were laying bricks every hour." - The first part is often quoted in a "cool it/relax/stop" type way, but the full quote encourages slow and steady progress.

"Great minds think alike, though fools seldom differ." - Just because it's an idea y'both had, doesn't make it a good one.

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chaumas-deactivated20240115

I got blood inside my phone charging port and now it only works 50% of the time

thefiresontheheight

get yellow bile in there next to balance the humors of the phone

chaumas-deactivated20240115

you. I like the way you think. put on this little outfit I want to make you my royal advisor.

thefiresontheheight

can i tell from the little outfit if I am going to be the royal advisor (jocular) or the royal advisor (sinister)?

chaumas-deactivated20240115

it depends on the size of the boob window. we’ll get there when we get there.

charlesoberonn

Middle-aged magical girl.

She's been defending the Earth since the early 90s and she's very tired.

charlesoberonn

My name is Tominaga Haruka. I was chosen by a magical talking animal, and for the last 29 years I've been Earth's one and only... Wonder-Sparkle Princess.

gropeable-boychest

she's been fighting the same villains for three decades and they are also tired of it. Most of them aren't giving it their all. Half of them are in a groupchat they've added her to where they schedule their evil plans to make sure they don't interfere with each other, or more importantly, with *her* Xalkrax the space demon from outer space decided to attack the city when she was taking her vacation time once, and now he's dead, because even the power of friendship and redemption can't save you if you interrupt her rare vacations

charlesoberonn

Demon Queen Eluria: Gonna fill the city people's hearts with hatred on thursday to cause mayhem and discord.

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: Can't, got a PTA meeting.

Demon Queen Eluria: Friday?

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: A birthday party.

Demon Queen Eluria: Damn. How about I fill just the mayor's heart with hatred then?

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: That'd be redundant, lol. Maybe fill his heart with a desire to fix the fucking potholes?!

Demon Queen Eluria: LMFAO love you, bitch. Stay strong.

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: You too, gurl. How's the husband? Still dead?

Demon Queen Eluria: Yep. Thanks for that, btw.

Wonder-Sparkle Princess: Don't mess with my time off :p

charlesoberonn

Why are people tagging this '#wonder sparkle princess' like that's a thing and not a name I made up exclusively for this post?

ardinwriter

Congratulations on inventing a new tumblr deity!!

charlesoberonn

She isn't 29 years old. She's been a magical girl for 29 years. If she started at 14 (typical magical girl protagonist age) then she'd be 43.

a-sentient-cup

Assigned magic girl at birth

i-say-ok

ok.

rydenxo

does tumblr know about tim misny??? like has the level of tim misny awareness that exists in northeast ohio broken containment and become known online yet???

rydenxo

ok so tim misny is a personal injury lawyer here in ohio.

that’s him. you do not have to remember his face from this image because you’re gonna see it a lot in this post. so mainly i think we all kinda honed in on tim misny because of his slogan

he’s gonna make them pay. he’s gonna get you that money but also it’s a little threatening like he’s gonna fully fuck his legal opponent’s shit up. this sprung tons of local memes. then there were the billboards which were normal at first.

but here’s the thing; we already know what misny does. he makes them pay. so it turns into just saying “you know what i do” which is funny enough if you don’t at all have the context.

but this is not where the absurdity caps out, my friends. no. this is what it has evolved to and they. are. everywhere.

that’s right. no text. just the judging eyes of tim misny, glaring through our skin and into our souls. there is no god. there is no devil. there is just tim misny and he’s gonna make them pay.

crookedstarchild

I love his vibe, yasss tim

lesb0

Maids, cleaners, janitors, and sanitation workers are all the most important people of civilization by far. Even 12 hours without them is VERY noticable and they simply need to be highly compensated for it

whatevergreen

'Six AM', 1930 - William Wolfson

bearhole-deactivated20251019

Hi, I'm a janitor. The facility I work in had its first floor flooded with sewage and while a restoration company came and sucked up all the water and placed fans everywhere to try the place out, I still cleaned the entire floor and threw away all the contaminated furniture. Same thing happened last year, but only a couple of rooms flooded on that floor and it was only water from a sprinkler system. This year was so much worse and I feel like no one in management gives a shit. The entire upstairs was absolutely going to shit because I was focused on the downstairs. Despite the work I do, I have to beg folks to spread around my little bear commission posts every month because I simply can't afford to live on what I'm paid lol

So, truly thanks to everyone who makes and shares posts like these recognizing sanitation workers. It's really a thankless job.

elodieunderglass

Horror isekai where Perceiving the Weird Eldritch Thing gets you catapulted into a nightmare labyrinth of puzzle-solving.

I.e Those Who Perceive The Hunt of the Goblin King Must Partake In The Labyrinth and Can Only Be Freed If They Complete It In One Day and One Night. By Fae Law. For Reasons.

But the definition of “perception” clearly needs to be updated because some normal guy simply films the Hunt of the Goblin King Behind Arby’s, and puts it on Facebook -

No, not instagram or TikTok, it’s important that it be Facebook -

Because the rules are pretty clear, “the rules are the rules” as is carved ominously in elvish runes above the grim gate, and the Contract is Sealed. and so therefore the guy and 25 of their most random real-life acquaintances must run the gauntlet together. It’s Some Guy, their immediate neighbors, their first partner’s mom, their friends from hobby Facebook groups (oh this poor guy and their hobbies; the elderly birdwatchers from Facebook and the young up-and-coming drag king community), their random teen kid niece, college friends, a dog who also watched the video, a couple consisting of a woman who is the guy’s Facebook friend and showed her husband the video, and the husband doesn’t even know Some Guy, so he’s in the labyrinth and absolutely furious about being forced to be involved, and they proceed to break up over the course of the puzzle.

It’s important that the narrative keeps trying to be a sexy dark horror isekai! but within this the comedic reality of Catherine, 52, the guy’s horse-riding instructor, being passionately involved in escape-room-style puzzle solving and grappling with minor goblins. They are in fact speedrunning the gauntlet.

The Goblin King finally has to say: all right, actually, I only really set all this up to fuck with one (1) guy at a time, thanks for your willingness to participate, but I think all 25 of you can consider the gauntlet fully run.

And the group would be quite hurt by that. The rules are the rules. We have a contract, actually. Let Catherine cook.

minimal-effort-name

Under some fucked up definition of perceiving you could argue that whichever Facebook supercomputer server that handled uploading that video also had to run the gauntlet

elodieunderglass

Twenty-four people, a dog, and a Facebook server, represented for these purposes as an ensorcelled mirror (the Goblin King had to ask the chat for advice on the precedent and the youngest responded, “a server is a ghost! It has a name! Ghosts run gauntlets all the time. I’d put it in a mirror (classic). You got this bro” and the other fae royals didn’t think that sounded right AT ALL but didn’t want to say.) later we find out the niece was using the mirror to stream the gauntlet

the-real-seebs

then a week later it goes viral

and the goblin king has to try to deal with two million people the first day.

the peak in that week is 173,246,113 people in one day. by the time the traffic dies down, "the labyrinth" has been flattened and is basically paved.

elodieunderglass

Disneyland

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ryan-sometimes

My friend Dylan is such a profound person, and yet so simple at the same time. Do you know what I mean

girl-in-thechair

Is this the guy you accidentally trained with food?

ryan-sometimes

No. That was Matthew, who is in my frat. Dylan is my ecology major friend who is too wholesome for his own good. He talks to plants reassuringly when he’s moving them. He says stuff like “You’re so strong. You’re going to grow so well. You’re doing so good” while he’s putting them in the ground. He giggles in the shower. He goes birdwatching and will talk about birds for hours if prompted. I’m talking about a 21 year old cishet male by the way.

ryan-sometimes

Other Dylan anecdotes:

One time I (lesbian) pointed out a girl I thought was really hot. Dylan looked at her, smiled, and said “Aww, yeah. She is cute. You just wanna give her a hug!” and that is how he talks about women

He walked into his roommate having gay sex on the floor of their dorm and not only failed to realize they were having sex, he STEPPED OVER THEM TO GRAB HIS LAPTOP BEFORE LEAVING AGAIN!! After this his roommate was like “well I guess you know I’m gay” and Dylan said “YOU ARE?!!” because he did not realize they were having sex and thus did not realize his roommate was gay.

He started feeling really stupid about cussing for some reason and unironically said non swears like “what the cluck!!” for a while

One time we were in the pit of a punk concert and he leaned over to say to me: “heeheeheeh… I love how there’s a milk chocolate AND a chocolate milk!!”

ryan-sometimes

You guys seem to really love him so here’s some more bonus Dylan facts/moments:

I recorded this video of him laughing because his laugh is so giddy that it can literally cure depression

He does the opposite of mansplaining?? Dylan usually assumes that women are smarter than him, and asks them questions as if they’re experts on things, even they’re not???

Lesbians LOVE him. I mean, I’m literally a lesbian myself and Dylan knows more lesbians than me. The vast majority of his friends are queer women.

Men love him too. There’s been several times where Dylan and I went out partying or clubbing, and men hit on Dylan instead of me. There’s been nights where Dylan got hit on by several men and I got hit on by NONE!

He comes with me to do everything, even if the task requires zero Dylans. He walks me to physical therapy even though it’s a completely safe 10 min walk through campus… at 3pm. If I’m going to grab lunch, he’ll come with me even if he already ate. He’s literally a dog in human form

One time I got a haircut and Dylan still came with me even though he wasn’t getting anything done. He just sat in the corner of the salon the whole time!! He came with me because it was raining and I didn’t have an umbrella with me, but he did. He came with me so I didn’t have to walk in the rain.

We went on a roadtrip together and one night I left him in the motel room to take a shower. I could hear him laughing the whole time I was showering. When I walked back out of the bathroom I found him watching Spongebob.

crookedstarchild

Dylan sounds like a lovely person, I wanna dunk him in my coffee he sounds so sweet 😋

everythingfox

Kitty shredding

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