tumblr’s own evil wizard!

All mutuals who understand my grand vision shall be entombed with me within my mausoleum if I ever happen to die

forgot to leave a note for my doordasher to bring a blunt weapon to get past the catacomb skeletons so congrats to whichever necromancer is about to get my banh mi i guess

something they never told me about adulthood: mimic keys will attach themselves to your keychain in the hopes you use them and they can have sex with your keyholes

training my large cat to attack neighborhood dogs so that i dont have to do it myself #solarpunk

Please take my white ass to anor londo

*grabs you with my long gargoyle-like arms and flies off witj you*

Oh thank god hold me tight you scary motherfucker

the worst part of christmas is that santa’s elves are only called that because they’re gnomes, which are a dwarven culture known for their use of the phrygian cap and their republican rejection of monarchy, and dwarves, also referred to as svartálfar, are a species of elvenid within the elf-clade. but nobody talks about this, because elf cladistics aren’t generally relevant to christmas stories and children can hardly be expected to grasp the nuances of extrahominid taxonomy anyways.

the second worst part of christmas is the strong as fuck ice mummy

Asunder is basically the most classic way to be torn, and if you're looking to be cleft, in twain is a vintage but stunning choice

when you have a hammer everything looks like a guy you could kill with a hammer

ghoul hearts for dinner again

every friend group has a corpse in it. if you think yours doesn't, YOU'RE the corpse.