frickin' fiction

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs

It IS true that being on here gives you a tumblr accent. This morning my mother asked me something and i replied "i don't know i've never heard these words in that order" and she nearly choked laughing. It wasn't even that funny

at my old job i had a coworker who was tired and made a coffee with like 6 or 8 shots of espresso and i just casually went up to them like “are you trying to meet god?” and not only was this absolutely hilarious to them but they brought it up in future conversations they thought it was so funny but to me this was just as casual as saying “woah that’s a lot of coffee”

In the real world people tell me I have a funny turn of phrase; on Tumblr I'm just Ken

Organised crime? Nah girl I'm into disorganised crime. If a goon doesn't have ADHD they aren't getting hired

Cops can't stop us if they don't know what we're doing, and they can't find out if we have no idea either

Minions stop this post from reaching 1k

On it, boss! Gettin' this post to 10k, just like you said!

character will get 10x hotter with the addition of blood btw. bonus points for disheveled hair, untucked clothing, and glazed, feverish eyes.

you deserve a life you aren’t constantly recovering from

I wish we lived in a beautiful world where people did not use things for evil because I wish I could send gifts to people without knowing their address or asking them to doxx themselves. because like. for example sometimes i will be like oh that's a cute guinea pig plushie I wish I could send it to my guinea pig mutual who I've never spoken to or interacted with because I think they'd like it. but I can't do that without being like, hi, I'm a stranger on the internet you've never spoken to, tell me your home address, I want to mail you an object. I just want to be able to hand a box to the post office worker and be like, hello, this is for guineapigmutual, and they will nod and say yep we know exactly who that is and they will take it and mail it and I don't need to ever know the actual address or name or anything. unfortunately things cannot work like this but I can dream

Maybe the goal right now isn’t perfection. Maybe the goal right now isn’t performance. Maybe the goal is staying human. Maybe the goal is not abandoning yourself.