Bitch ✨

based on that one scene from Ghost Stories lol

*silence*

Jason: *absently* to be fair, i- we never claimed to be good people,

Tim, calmly: no,

Jason: like- we don't call ourselves heroes. we call ourselves vigilantes. vigilantes aren't always good, we never claimed we were ethically good,

Tim: no,

Jason: -i mean i'm a literal crime lord. i deal drugs, i carry a gun; i've never presented myself as a good person, so if people expect that from me then that's on them,

Tim: yeah,

Jason: you might be false advertising,

Tim: mm- well-,

Jason: -but then that's still an assumption. you never said that Red Robin was gonna be a good person, they just decided to look at you that way,

Tim, blandly: yeah.

Jason: -and anyway, none of us have the responsibility of living up to people's ethical expectations of us. we could be bad people, it's not like we signed a contract saying we'd be nice to people.

Tim: ...yeah.

Jason: any disappointment civilians go through about us and our actions is... it's on them, really.

*six seconds of silence*

*connecting ping*

Dick, chipper: yoooo~ saw you two were online. how's it goin' tonight?

*a beat*

*another beat*

*shuffling of fabric, scraping of gravel, light wrestling noises*

*a beat*

Jason, airily: hey Dick.

Dick: uh- ....hi? are you ok? are you two together?

Jason: uh. yup.

Dick: ...ok. where?

Jason: just- one of the warehouses along the waterfront in Crime Alley.

Dick: ok... well i joined because i was swinging through the alley and wanted to see if you guys were hungry, so i'm close by, i'll track you.

Jason: ...ok.

Dick, suspicious: the fuck're you acting so weird for? what'd you do?

*a beat*

Tim: it's not like we ever said we were good people, right, Dick?

Dick: ...what? hold on, i'm literally only a few streets over, gimmie a sec.

Tim, voice empty: nobody can be disappointed in us. we never set expectations of morality.

Dick: Jason the fuck is he on about?

Jason, equally empty: i literally deal drugs.

Dick: *noise of intense confusion*

Dick: oh i see you guys- holy fuck.

*a beat*

Dick: ...that guy isn't alive, is he?

Tim: well he can't be alive, he has no limbs. it's just a torso.

Jason: no i've seen people on tiktok that live just as torsos, it can happen.

Tim: yeah but not like this-

Dick: *aghast* there's so much blood- Tim you're fucking covered. who did this?!?!

*a beat*

Tim: it was Jason.

Jason, instant: no it was not.

Tim, matter of fact: you have to take responsibility for the fact that you a hundred percent had the time to slow down the truck before you drove it into him.

Jason: -and i will do so, as soon as you accept that you were stood right next to him and saw him in the path of the truck and fully had the opportunity and skills to remove him from the area before the truck pushed him into the machine. only you didn't, because you wanted to see what would happen.

*a beat*

Tim: you sped up that truck after you knocked the driver unconcious.

Jason: you said it looked 'cool, like a wet firework'.

Dick: what the hell is wrong with you both.

Jason: we never signed a contract to be morally acceptable.

Tim: -but if it makes you feel better the guy did come here so he could try and sell his disabled son to a gang.

Jason: that too.

World ending. Again. Hope you’ve all been attending interdimensional diplomacy 101.

Kyle: Coast City ain't seen a group of guys this crazy.

Roy, Kyle, and Wally: *clink bottles*

Roy: Wait. where the hell is Dick?

Dick, disheveled: Sorry I'm late, boys. Flew that new budget airline, GothamAir.

Wally: GothamAir?

Roy: What the hell happened to you?

Dick: They overbooked the flight so I had to do a GothamAir cage match for a seat. Let's just say ten-year-old Damian Wayne won't be visiting his grandpa this weekend.

———————

Wally: What are you guys thinking for dinner?

Roy: I had a Star City Air in-flight meal so I'm good.

Dick: GothamAir's in-flight meal was just a big pot of stew they passed back. By the time it made it back to me, it was just Bane venom and fear toxin.

Kyle: What the fuck is GothamAir, dude?

———————

Wally: We hitting the clubs tonight?

Kyle: Maybe find some people?

Dick: I kinda met this person on my layover in Kahndaq.

Wally: You had a layover in Kahndaq?

Roy: Dude, you're from Gotham!

———————

Kyle: GothamAir is coal-powered?

Dick: Yep, and when they run out of coal they use your checked luggage. Felt bad, one lady checked her ex-boyfriend.

Roy: The fuck?

Dick: Hey, say what you want, but if it wasn't for that clown we wouldn't have cleared Keystone.

———————

Dick: I actually watched Dune on the plane.

Kyle: GothamAir has TVs?

Dick: Oh no, no. Two fruit bats dune-ing it on my tray table.

Roy: What IS GothamAir?

Wally: ...Did you get a photo of that?

———————

Dick: The safety video kept saying "when we crash." And we did.

Kyle: What?

Dick: Yeah, I left a week ago. It's all good, they redeemed me a hundred Wayne Points.

Wally: What are those good for?

Dick: You can use them at any Batburger in the Crime Alley area.

Wally, impressed: No way!

———————

Dick: I gotta check in to my GothamAir flight tomorrow.

Dick: *sticks his phone down his pants*

Roy: What is that? WHY IS THAT REQUIRED?!?

Dick: It's their version of Face ID.

Roy: What?!

Dick, into his phone: Nightwing likes GothamAir.

Roy: IT'S VOICE-ACTIVATED TOO?!?

———————

there's gotta be an incident where the two are fucking around on a rooftop and Jason accidentally gets hurt real bad; like almost fractures his spine real bad, and they tell Bruce that he got hurt during a 'dock raid' or whatever, and Bruce fully believes them right up until Tim sends him the link to a youtube video the next day, because as it turns out the roof was low enough that a civilian in their apartment across the way could see them and got the whole thing on video.

footage shows Red Hood and Nightwing laughing hysterically with each other as Red Hood takes off his helmet, leaving nothing but his eye mask, as the two proceed to try and pull off stupider and stupider trick shots to get the helmet back on his head. the video captures as they both get very excited when Nightwing successfully 'bottle flips' the helmet back on, and then captures as they get bolder and Nightwing starts holding the helmet like a matador with a red cape off the edge of the building so Red Hood can dive into it and try to catch himself with a grapple before actually plummeting.

'holy shit these guys are pros,' the civilian can be heard from behind their camera, as he pulls it off second-try. two cheer so loudly it can be heard from beyond the closed window.

unfortunately the video then abruptly ends as Nightwing puts the helmet down on the floor hole-up and dares Hood to try and dive into it. Red Hood almost breaks his neck and the camera-person lets out a loud and empathetic 'OOH', right before the rootage cuts out, Nightwing standing over his brother's crumpled body.