#batkids

ten year old Tim Drake who already knew who Batman and Robin were, finding out he now has a secret tunnel in his garden connecting his house to their lair, and he’s just like ‘fuck yeah that’s cool.’ and starts exploring.

thirteen year old Jason Todd bored and fucking around alone in the batcave system when he comes across a fucking ten year old who knows his identity, clearly idolises the hell out of him, and is just kinda wandering around the cave system alone and completely chill about it. they see a super dangerous spider and Tim just starts info-dumping on the species. when asked if he has a curfew to go back home by he goes ‘uh, July i guess? that’s when mom and dad get back.’ it is early February.

thirteen year old Jason Todd who takes a minute and then goes ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

Jason Todd and Tim Drake being secret cave buddies. Jason Todd and Tim Drake hanging out in the tunnels and making fun of Batman and Nightwing from the shadows. Tim Drake who has to buy a whole new set of night-vision camera lenses for his new photo album that’s just photos and selfies of him and his new best friend Robin fucking around in the underground pitch-dark.

Jason Todd who dies, gets revived, is told by Talia that Tim Drake has ‘replaced him’ unknowing they’re already friends, and Jason who all he can think of is that time they played hide and seek in the cave system and Tim clung to the fucking ceiling via a stalactite for 45 minutes straight. Jason Todd who just looks at Talia and goes ‘yeah sounds about right for him.’

Jason Todd being told he has to deliver Damian to Bruce and he decides ‘absolutely the fuck not’ to the idea of even touching the front door. they have a Ring camera he is not getting caught on that bullshit.

Jason Todd who just goes to Drake Manor and uses Tim’s old entrance to get into the tunnels, his home away from home, dragging Damian along, until he gets to a spot where he can secretly signal into the batcave for Tim to sneak the fuck away.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who gets called into the tunnels to find the Red Hood, unmasked as Jason, presenting to him a random child which he declares to be the son of Batman.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who comes full circle and says ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

the cave boys are reunited. a third is added to the club. a new photo album is filled. when Tim brings Damian up through the tunnels into the cave he looks Bruce dead in the eyes and says fully straight-faced ‘this is your cave son. i found him wandering, he was born from the shadows of the bat.’

eleven year old Damian Al Ghul-Wayne who’s spent the past three and a half years under Jason Todd’s influence and sombrely declares ‘the cave birthed me for you, father. i am darkness. i am your child.’

Bruce to Dick: Damn, poor kid

Bruce to Jason: Damn, poor kid

Bruce to Damian: Damn, my kid

Bruce to Duke: Damn, poor kid

Bruce to Cass: Damn, poor kid

Bruce to Tim: Da-

The whole room stops, and Tim stares wide-eyed at the jar before backing away in slight disgust

Tim: What is that? Aren’t you supposed to be on bed rest?

Bruce: Your spleeeennnn

Tim: What?

Dick: What.

Bruce: You got sick last month, and it was bad… I felt bad… spleen…

Jason: *turning to Tim* You were missing your spleen? When the hell were you gonna tell anyone?!

Tim: Slipped my mind, anyway, how did you find out?

Bruce: I go into the League of Assassins servers and whatnot from time to time ever since Damian came into the family, no biggie

Duke: And you...?

Bruce: Infiltrated them about two hours ago to steal back your brother's spleen?

Bruce: Yes

Steph: Are you on drugs? You sound like you’re on drugs. What did Alfred give you?

Bruce: I don’t remember, something for my broken ribs

Cass: *standing up and leading Bruce to sit down in a chair* How many?

Bruce: Three, not a big deal. Anyways, spleen. *grins widely*

Jason: Wait... you infiltrated the League of Assassins while high

Bruce: *looks confused* What, like it's hard?

Damian: *had left the room earlier, is now back with a glass of cold water* Baba, please drink

Bruce: *takes glass and ruffles Damian’s hair* Thank you, baby, you’re so good to me. I love you so much *starts kissing his cheeks while Damian weakly tries to escape*

Dick: … *only slightly jealous* I’m calling Alfred

here are a few examples:

“wayne enterprises is thriving”: jason has to kiss two fingers, point to the ceiling, before downing his glass

“proud to support gotham”: dick must yell “WOO YEAH GOTHAM BABY” like a frat pledge. every time. he once knocked over a senator’s mini canape tower doing it

“community matters”: damian has to silently take the nearest silverware/art/object of value, and pocket it while making unwavering eye contact with the nearest stranger (don’t ask how they managed to convince him to go along with the bit)

“family is everything”: tim sheds one award-winning tear. just one. that never fails to choke up those surrounding him.

and a bonus wildcard rule:

if bruce says anything about “gratitude,” EVERY batkid nods solemnly and whispers “for now.”

and you KNOW that they absolutely keep score as to whoever commits the best. the prize being that the winner gets to choose one (1) rule the others MUST abide by for a whole week.

previous prizes have included:

tim once won and made a house rule that no one was allowed to wake him up for anything (disaster. crime went up, gotham almost burned. but. rules are rules)

damian won and selected “no shoes inside the manor” and enforced it like a warlord (bruce had to brief the justice league in socks. wonder woman took a photo.)

dick made a rule that everyone had to compliment him before asking anything of him. it was hell.

steph (when she gets to play) forced them all to sync their jog cycles for one week (they looked like a mafia flash mob everywhere they went). (bruce was so done).

i love them 🦇