The Turtle

can grief stop hiding in the half smoked cigarettes my impoverished father would've farmed from the cracks in the sidewalk outside of a convenience store? the same half smoked cigarettes that eventually killed him of lung cancer? that he insisted on taking secret puffs of until he literally couldn't breathe anymore? it's an ironically cruel place for a fond memory to be

bat opens up their little bat wallet to find they are all out of moths. A worthless $100 bill flies out for emphasis

.That Judge Judy Pussy grip insane. You be calling her Judith on the second stroke.

My grip will rip your junk off, chew it up, and spit it back at you.

Imagine how I feel

Heartwarming story: Little girl doesn’t have to do anything to fund her dad’s surgery because his expenses are covered by his country’s universal healthcare.

Human determination: Man bikes 18 miles to work every morning because he wants to and not because he can’t afford a car and would be fired if he’s late.

Spirit of Brotherhood: Neighbors host housewarming party for elderly resident who doesn’t need help in paying rent because his pension is more than enough.

SO INSPIRING: Local middle school students bake dozens of cupcakes because their home economics class is doing a baking unit. Their school is fully funded with everything they need.

This feels like calibrating my normal detector

wesley and buttecup couldve made it out of the saw bathroom both alive but lawrence and adam could NOT survive the events of the princess bride

are you freaking serious did they actually put steve in minecraft

in my delirious half-awake state i appear to have typed the wrong game

being able to go to work with hickeys and bite marks on your neck is a human right.

OP, what planet are you from on which it's not MORTIFYING to walk around with visible hickies? Of course that's unprofessional; you're a grown ass man. Grow up!!

I’m an adult woman who likes to do adult things with other adult women. sex is a part of life. grow up.

Your behaviors and opinions are absolutely those of a male. And sex is a part of life that should be kept PRIVATE from the rest of the world, especially in a professional setting where absolutely no one has consented to witnessing your sex life.

women love to eat my pussy

i think it's really funny how twerfs got super mad at this post

we justifiably give Biden a lot of shit but I think "at least 3" is the funniest possible response to some right wing dipshit asking you how many genders there are

I Defeated the Demon Lord but it Turns Out the Demon Army was Largely Unaffected and I Fell Victim to a Flawed Belief in Great Man Theory

I Executed The Demon Lord With One Flawless Strike And After A Brief Power Struggle The New Demon Government Is Substantially More Committed To The War Because Of Some Reason I Don't Know

I was imagining "reverse creep radiohead" as a bit and now I can't stop thinking of "I wish you were special, I'm so fucking special" and laughing

it’s so magical and beautiful that there are sprawling interconnected cave systems carved deep into the earth by various geological forces and you don’t have to go in them. there are miles and miles of stone passageways in total darkness that require you to exhale all the air out of your lungs to squeeze through parts of them and you don’t have to be there. some of these squeezes are underwater and require cave divers to take off their oxygen tanks and push them through ahead of them and me i am above ground looking at the sky as we speak. there are untold subterranean wonders no human has ever seen and i will not be the one to discover them #grateful #blessed