no hot just mess

Tdlr; Rates of violence and homocides against older women (notable grandmothers) rising, a dual issue of children of and partners being domestically abusive, most notably sons. Mothers are less likely to call authorities on their own children for domestic violence or threats, which impacts this grizzly development. Warned "matricide of older women" and lack of awareness. Article from Australia but this issue is stated to be global.

Fourteen women over the age of 55 were allegedly killed in domestic violence-related homicides last year, according to a tally kept by the online feminist group Destroy the Joint. When the Australian Bureau of Statistics releases its data for the year, this number could well increase.

In 2023, according to ABS data, there were 28 women over the age of 55 allegedly killed in domestic violence related homicides, roughly a third of all such alleged homicides. Experts have called it a “silent crisis”: older women who are killed by family violence but whose deaths rarely get as much attention as those of younger women, and whose experiences do not figure sufficiently in government responses to violence against women. “There’s a matricide of older women [and] people aren’t even noticing, there’s no outcry. There’s silence,” says Catherine Barrett, director of Celebrate Ageing. “It’s just being missed.”

A Guardian analysis of government data has found that in the 10 years to 2023, nearly 200 women over the age of 55 were allegedly killed in family violence related homicides, suggesting older women could be at dual risk – from partners and from their children, especially their sons.

The rate of alleged domestic homicides in Australia has more than halved in the past 30 years, from 0.71 deaths per 100,000 in 1992-93, to 0.3 deaths per 100,000 in 2022-23. However, the rate at which older women are allegedly killed in domestic homicides has not fallen consistently. In the past 10 years, the rate of women aged over 55 killed in family violence homicides has reached 0.7 deaths per 100,000 (the same rate for all women 30 years ago) three times – in 2017, 2018 and 2023.

The problem is a global one. In England and Wales, the number of women killed by sons has risen since 2016, after remaining stable for decades. There was also a rise in the number of grandmothers killed by their grandsons, according to the Femicide Census, co-founded by Clarrie O’Callaghan and Karen Ingala Smith.

Lee says that while every family violence homicide is a tragedy, some deaths are given more attention than others, with the media and general public often focusing on the deaths of younger, attractive white women, while the deaths of “women who are marginalised … don’t get highlighted”. “The invisibility and the marginalisation of First Nations women [and] older women means that they remain invisible even when they’re killed.”

One of the main factors, Lee says, is that domestic violence is often considered primarily a problem for younger women so services are often geared towards them. That means older women may not see a family violence service as one that can help them.

“When we talk about violence against women, it’s always a younger woman fleeing with two little kids hanging around her knees. You rarely see any commentary about all the women who grow old with violence, who live with, maybe, sons who are violent. They are really invisible.”

Barrett says sometimes, after a violent relationship breaks down between a man and his partner, the man will move back in with his parents – particularly if he has mental health or addiction problems – and continue to perpetrate violence there. The problem has only increased, she says, in light of the cost-of-living crisis.

(cw: rape, sexual assault, CSA, incest, domestic abuse, religious abuse, etc.)

The article, as you might have gathered from that list of content warnings, is about the widespread sexual and physical abuse in Amish communities and the way that their patriarchal and insular practices make that abuse almost impossible to prosecute.

I read that article when it came out, and that's why I went to a screening of McClure's new documentary, Keep Quiet and Forgive, at the Philadelphia Film Festival last month. We were also lucky enough to have a Q&A with Sarah McClure and it was really eye-opening.

(For those who want to watch it, I believe she said the doc will air on PBS next year.)

One thing I was really struck by when watching the documentary was the way that almost all of these women (and yes, a few men who'd been sexually abused by other men) had left the community. It makes sense; would someone still in the community ever talk to an investigative journalist? It's not likely.

Almost all of them had lost their entire support system when they'd spoken out about their abuse. Their families and friends shunned them. They got hate mail regularly from their former neighbors. Whenever they went to court dates, they had to face not only their abusers but their entire former community, who would turn up to support the accused in court.

The few who were still in the community were either going to meetings secretly or were largely being shunned. One of them, a woman who still identified as Amish but whose entirely community had turned on her when she'd testified against her wildly abusive husband, ended up leaving the community entirely by the end of the documentary. She looked so much happier.

Where I'm going with this, though, is that these people often lose their friends, family, and community when they leave. So they've started creating community of their own. The documentary showed a lot of meetings between former Amish women who would band together to support other Amish women through the process of leaving and testifying against their abusers. There were group therapy sessions where women would finally get to talk about what had been done to them. Conferences where they discussed future steps. Meetings with activists to create change. Podcasts by victims of abuse who wanted to reach out to others like them.

Groups like The Amish Rescue Mission are working to provide support to victims of abuse in Amish Country, including providing Pennsylvania Dutch interpretation services when necessary. There are lots of small survivor support groups on Facebook, too.

I don't generally add to posts, but I did want to spread this information, reporting, and list of resources to anyone who might benefit from them. I am no expert, but I wanted to link to some people who are.