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almost home

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Keni

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I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
$LAYYYTER
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we're not kids anymore.
i don't do bad sauce passes
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todays bird

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@wordstreamer

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So can non-disabled people stop doing that thing where they act like it’s morally righteous to force yourself to work while you’re sick and assume taking sick days automatically equates to laziness. Any time now. That’d be great
The leader of the scout group I help out at approached me out of hours while I was walking to work to tell me that people have been talking behind my back because I missed more sessions than I attended this term (on account of having Covid twice) and was like “We all show up when we’re sick because we take responsibility” and I felt really shitty and guilty and cried the whole workday then I got home and told my mum and she was like “So they want you to throw up on the kids? That’s dodgy. They don’t even pay you. Stop going” and a wave of serenity hit me like a bus
remember when websites were written on purpose, and not generated by autocomplete in the instant you run the web search? anyway, unrelated, this webpage purporting to relay expert knowledge on which plants are safe for my snake's tank just told me I would know if he was biting them and getting irritated because he would start pawing at his mouth.
i mean, that sure would be a sign something was wrong
the plant that makes you grow extra legs
AI said you’re supposed to pee 7-8 times a day “so that means you should pee every 3-4 hours” WRONG!
Dora voice: Can you see what stupid fucking AI did wrong?
Dora voice: Yeah it divided 24 by 7-8 instead of dividing 16! Because humans are not up for 24 hours
Right after I saw this, I got this ad
So… that’s interesting.
And likely a coincidence.
But also. Weird.
Use your PTO

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Gothamites waking up to the loud ass Batmobile racing down the street at 3 am bc the local murder clown thought it would be funny to try something
I have the window open and just saw a cat run by, followed by a lady shrieking “RASPUTIN!”
He strikes once again
jonathan harker be like
If I were an evil emperor in a fantasy world, I would have a an enormous aviary full of exotic birds that are exceptionally well cared for. They would be from a distant enough land that there would be very few people in my kingdom that knew much about them, they would be a friendly but not overly territorial species, and moderately intelligent. Like puffins. They would not, crucially, be able to imitate sounds and 'speak', but they would be very trainable and curious. Occasionally importing new birds for my aviary would be the Big Frivolous Indulgence that my political enemies make fun of.
I will also have a sorceror in my employ. When a hero or a renegade or a political rival is in a situation where I can safely kill them, they will instead be turned into a bird and added to my aviary. I would not brag about this; it would be a complete secret, known only to me and my sorceror. In situations where I capture multiple people working together, only one would go in the aviary;the others can be imprisoned or killed or whatever. If they escape and I reacquire them later, another one can go in the aviary. The point here is that nobody going in the aviary can safely assume that another bird in there is their teammate.
Because I would be trickling real birds in there, too. And I would train some of them to do 'intelligent' things like tap out prime numbers or scratch shapes into the dirt with their beaks. I would train some of them to pick at the locks and bars as if they were trying to escape. I would not train them all the same way, or train many of them at all.
Sometimes, a new bird goes into the aviary -- fellow revolutionary? Or just a bird? Is it trying to communicate to you that it's human, or just being friendly and imitating you because that's what smart friendly birds do? People would develop opinions and theories over time. They'd amass in a group of the smartest ones, pretty sure that they're closest four or five friends are humans, are using their invented little language of wing-flaps and trills with a human mind behind it... but can they ever really be sure?
Most people, when going into the aviary, would assume that all of the birds are captured enemies. So why are some of them hard to have ongoing communication with, to learn about, to plan with? Are these the natural communication barriers of someone in a bird body, or does being a bird make them stupider over time? Will that happen to them also?
Sometimes, if I capture a pair, I'll imprison them separately, then turn one into a bird and put them in the aviary at the same time as a real bird that's trained to have a couple of their partner's mannerisms.
When I interact with the birds, even in private, I won't secretly mock them or make clever veiled references to their past or act at all like I remember that they were once human. They are my birds, that I imported at great expense. And I've brought a treat for them; some fresh fruit, and another friend to share it with! A new bird!
Or is it?
Hey Derin what the fuck
#on tumblr thereso many 'if i were evil' ideas that aren't evil. and then there's this guy. 10/10 villainy. would scar an entire generation.#full villain approval
Look, Evil Emperor is a high bar. Empires are pretty evil by default so if you want to earn the title of Evil Emperor instead of Normal Emperor then you've really gotta put the work in. You can't just do normal greed and oppression and slavery and outright theft and then blame your victims for it, every empire does that, even the ones that pretend they aren't by calling the slavery and theft by some different name. If you wanna be an Evil Emperor then you have to get creative.
If I were an evil empress then I would execute people via an esoteric mind blast power where I'd lead them into a room and burn away their personalities and memories until they were an empty vessel and then send them home to their families, newly innocent and pardoned, where they'd have to be taught who they were and how to live from the ground up like a baby. (Or abandoned, I suppose, depending on the family.) Except I wouldn't actually have any such powers. I'd have a shapeshifting power that I'd use to turn my enemies into a piece of furniture and turn that piece of furniture into them, then send home a polymorphed candlestick or whatever for their family to dote on while my enemy goes on the table to hold candles for the rest of their 'life'.
i'm still on the part where you switch from "I would" to "I will" in the second paragraph.
Derin... you planning something?
Think positive to manifest your reality
maidens if you are going to flee dramatically from my castle in the middle of the night once i reveal my true nature to you please leave your candelabra on the little ledge by the portcullis we are running out of them
starting to think these maidens are stumbling in soaked through from the rain just to steal my beautiful gowns and homewear are any of you actually lost
At the checkout in Home Goods loading the belt with nothing but candelabras in all shapes & sizes while the cashier watches sympathetically and asks if it’s the maidens again

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Hey.
You feel this feeling that you feel right now, when there's a huge electoral rebuke of Trump and all of his dipshits, when even rural PA is voting in full slates of Democrats? You feel how good that feels, when the first Muslim woman is elected to state-level office on the day Cheney died?
I need you to hang on to that feeling, because 2026 is going to be a rough ride. I need you to remember that when Republicans try to cheat and suppress voter turnout, and "consultants" try to push Dems to abandon immigrants and trans people. I need you — all my US folx — to find something, anything, that you can do now, and do consistently. I need you to take this feeling of "holy shit, rural PA is voting in whole slates of Democrats," and I need you to tuck it waaaaaay down in your heart so you can take it back out and look at it when Trump and all of his ilk are getting real ugly and mean next October.
Because they're gonna get real ugly and real mean.
But what we're not gonna do is accept shitty "compromise" candidates who throw immigrants and trans people under the bus, we're not gonna handwave candidates with Nazi symbols tattooed on their bodies, we're not gonna sit on our asses, we're not gonna stop calling and reminding the people we elected who their bosses are (that's us, actually), and we're not gonna despair.
Got it?
Good.
It is time.
HAPPY MAY 3RD TO ALL WHO CELEBRATE :')
Happy May.

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happy 20 year anniversary of Neil banging out the tunes!
though every rat is special, it's a wonderful and unusual thing for their accomplishments to be remembered and cherished by so many people so many years later. we're all so fortunate to know about the rat who banged out the tunes!
thank you to all the people who sent me reference photos of their beloved rats for this piece!!! credits under the cut!
World's most dysfunctional polycule
them
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