"The Idle Vapourings Of A Mind Diseased"

Here’s the list of my mutuals: @ihauntmyhouse @thewordsmith3 @snapcandle @c00c00pig @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodaries @southernfreakinggothic @demigod-jack-hearth @beauty-queen-official @molovesbooks @billybatsonmylove @irish-agender-moss @munchkinmarauder @dougielombax @one-of-batmans-orphans @ace-looking-4-parkingspace @supersonicdp @ltwharfy

@ligaments-08 @spiritbox713 @drksanctuary @berf-a-smurf @bacon-bitch @demigoddumbass @cosmo-autistic-version @a-field-of-dragonflowers @sparkysaurus @that-lego-frog @ashes-of-a-giftedkid-burnout @svnvfhcrmcs @anomymous2 @ashetheshade

Now for some of the people I don’t follow/I follow but they don’t follow me back/any number of other possible explanations: @onewordaway @emperorcandy @tremendousdreamtragedy @riordanverseaddict @royaltystudios @conundrumrespeculis @the-fyre-flie @gelpenss @bobs-biscuits-emporium @somedamslytherindemigod2

I think this is part of why I'm so willing to go back to college. My dad has to take some time off work because of school, meaning he works one less day. And as much as I hate parts of college...my dad having one less day of work and one more day with me might be the part I most love. I really do love having my dad around, because I've got no other friends or anything.

I'm still so nervous my dad goes back to work tonight. I know I'll be fine tomorrow, but trying to get that message from my brain down to my heart and my nerves is nearly impossible. So there's a decent chance I wake up in the middle of the night. I hope that things go okay tonight. I'm really hoping. But most nerves still aren't good, so I'm gonna tag people one more time. Because I just don't like dealing with this.

I know my stressors probably come from me not having any friends besides my dad, and having strong dependency (both physical and emotional) on my dad. But I can't easily fix that, so here we are. sigh...

Since my dad took 2 weeks off from work, I now feel like I do when school returns after summer break. I was glad when school ended, but I did miss the structure. And when I got used to being off, then I missed the structure (or lack thereof) of the summer break. So that's how I feel now. sigh...

Here’s the list of my mutuals: @ihauntmyhouse @thewordsmith3 @snapcandle @c00c00pig @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodaries @southernfreakinggothic @demigod-jack-hearth @beauty-queen-official @molovesbooks @billybatsonmylove @irish-agender-moss @munchkinmarauder @dougielombax @one-of-batmans-orphans @ace-looking-4-parkingspace @supersonicdp @ltwharfy

@ligaments-08 @spiritbox713 @drksanctuary @berf-a-smurf @bacon-bitch @demigoddumbass @cosmo-autistic-version @a-field-of-dragonflowers @sparkysaurus @that-lego-frog @ashes-of-a-giftedkid-burnout @svnvfhcrmcs @anomymous2 @ashetheshade

Now for some of the people I don’t follow/I follow but they don’t follow me back/any number of other possible explanations: @onewordaway @emperorcandy @tremendousdreamtragedy @riordanverseaddict @royaltystudios @conundrumrespeculis @the-fyre-flie @gelpenss @bobs-biscuits-emporium @somedamslytherindemigod2

And yes, I am indeed desperate enough to boost this and tag people one more time. I'll try to watch movies and de-stress tonight too, but you know what's even worse about this!? Nothing good is ever on the fucking TV during the weekends! That makes my nerves all the worse! I'm gonna have to dig stuff up on a steaming service or on youtube just to try and relax, and this shouldn't be!

Here’s the list of my mutuals: @ihauntmyhouse @thewordsmith3 @snapcandle @c00c00pig @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodaries @southernfreakinggothic @demigod-jack-hearth @beauty-queen-official @molovesbooks @billybatsonmylove @irish-agender-moss @munchkinmarauder @dougielombax @one-of-batmans-orphans @ace-looking-4-parkingspace @supersonicdp @ltwharfy

@ligaments-08 @spiritbox713 @drksanctuary @berf-a-smurf @bacon-bitch @demigoddumbass @cosmo-autistic-version @a-field-of-dragonflowers @sparkysaurus @that-lego-frog @ashes-of-a-giftedkid-burnout @svnvfhcrmcs @anomymous2 @ashetheshade

Now for some of the people I don’t follow/I follow but they don’t follow me back/any number of other possible explanations: @onewordaway @emperorcandy @tremendousdreamtragedy @riordanverseaddict @royaltystudios @conundrumrespeculis @the-fyre-flie @gelpenss @bobs-biscuits-emporium @somedamslytherindemigod2

I just got out of the bathroom. Can you guess what happened in there? If you guessed that I bled again, then you guessed correctly. I did indeed end up bleeding again. Not much came out of me, but what did come out was bloody. I also took forever to get out of the bathroom, because I kept worrying I'd have to get back up out of my bed to go pee again.

But yeah, I'm laying down upstairs now. I'm not feeling super comfortable, but I'm trying to make it work. I'm probably going to have a bath in a few hours, anyways. So I should be able to make it work. But thinking about having a bath tonight reminds me I can't have a bath on sunday. And then I remember why. My dad's going back to work tonight! My dad's going back to work tonight! I had a wonderful dinner, but it's all just trickery! Trickery and deception as my brain is being tricked into accepting that my dad goes back to work tonight. But it won't work! It can't work! I can't accept it. He's been off for two weeks. I don't want him to go back to work!

This is all really stressful for me. I have so much stuff I want to write down right now, but I'm struggling to focus for long enough to write anything down. I keep feeling itchy, and my incredibly powerful itchiness is making me feel unable to focus on writing. I wish I had my old pediatrician. She'd probably know what to do about this. But alas…I don't have her available to call upon. I have so much to write, but I can't fully focus. So to help myself, I'll use some old notes I wrote down elsewhere to help fill in the gaps.

I'm feeling depressed. My dad goes back to work tonight. I'm nervous about him going back. I'm feeling congested, my stomach is sore, I've got so many nerves about my dad going back to work. I don't want him to go back to work! I wish he didn't have to! I wish he didn't have to!

My stomach is still sore and cramped. It's uncomfortable. Earlier I bled in the bathroom again, presumably because of my hemorrhoids and everything. So that's combining with my congestion to leave me miserable.

I'm still crossing my ring finger and my pinky finger. I'm still stressed and uncomfortable. I haven't done much with my dad yet this morning. And I'm feeling really guilty about that. Really, really guilty. I don't like it. I'm feeling like my dad took time off from work to stay home today, and now I'm not even being decent enough to spend time with him! It's stressful.

I'm planning to get a bath tonight. I don't usually get baths on Fridays, so why am I getting one tonight? Because my dad said I can't bathe sunday because he works sunday, and because I'm still super nervous about my dad going back to work. So I'm hoping a bath helps me to relax before bedtime tonight.

And I'm also thinking about my new glasses. Sometimes the lenses are a bit disorienting, but it's not too bad. The main problem is that the frames are really firm and kind of uncomfortable. The frames are also creaking when I flex them now. So I'm actually kind of scared they're going to break now. I'm going to go do stuff with my dad now, but I really am nervous about my dad working tonight. sigh…

I'm back now, and I'm done reusing old notes. Now that I'm back, there's a few minor things I want to discuss. After that, I'll try to talk about my dad going back to work one more time. But let's try to focus. Let's see…

I noticed something upsetting about my bedsheet again, you know? Months ago I discovered that my bed sheet was getting linty from age, and one small section of it was covered in lint. Well…that one small section is now two small sections. There's a second linty area on my bedsheet. I really need a new bedsheet, but I've been putting off getting one because I know it'll probably be hard to find something identical to the one I have now.

I just ripped out one of my nose hairs, I think. I've been feeling itchy everywhere on my body since sometime yesterday, I think. Itchy on my back, itchy on my sides, itchy on my arms and my butt and my legs and everywhere else. I'm itchy on my face (which is also quite greasy), and I'm even itchy in my nose! Or I think I am, because I kept scratching there. My hands are struggling to type, probably partially from the grease of my face. Probably also partially because I keep crossing my fingers. But hopefully now that I pulled that hair out of my nose, I won't be itchy or uncomfortable there anymore.

But yeah, I'm hoping I stop feeling so itchy. I really need a new bedsheet, but I want something identical. And also: my dad put a humidifier in my bedroom. I wanted there to be two humidifiers on, but I have a good reason for it. Our new humidifier bubbles like a quiet water fountain, but the keyword is really quiet. The thing makes almost no noise! Our old humidifier didn't bubble, but it was incredibly noisy. I was hoping to leave them both on overnight, largely in the hopes that having them both on would somehow allow them to cancel each other out or something. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm nervous about my dad working tonight! So I'm trying anything to make it easier for me.

I keep itching my nose, because I'm not immune to feeling itchy there. And whenever I itch my nose, I end up accidentally also pushing up the bridge of my new glasses. I keep worrying I'm going to mess them up, but I can't help it.

And yeah, my dad goes back to work tonight. I'm so worried about that. My dad shouldn't have to go to work! We shouldn't need money! My parents never worked when I was young, and I wish my dad didn't have to do it now! My dad gets me my water! My dad runs me my baths! My dad is basically my sole source of companionship, and I do almost nothing when he's at work! I wish he didn't have to work. When my dad's at work, everything feels worse! He comes home tired, so it's hard to do stuff with him. He wants to nap from 2 pm to 7 pm, so I can't have any baths or showers. He's hard to talk to and share with when he's tired. Him being tired messes up everything! sigh…

Honestly, I've been listening to Christmas music while playing Pokemon or that politics webgame for the past hour or so. James Taylor's Christmas album, a bit of Chris Rea's Christmas stuff, a few others too. I meant to get to Pokemon's music too but I forgot to. I've been trying to do things to relax my nerves, and I'm just hoping it all works. Because I'm a really tightly wound person, and I just want to sleep peacefully tonight to prove I can get back to this routine. Even if I hate a routine where I can't have baths on sundays! And where I'm lonely 4 days out of a 7 day week! sigh...

Here’s the list of my mutuals: @ihauntmyhouse @thewordsmith3 @snapcandle @c00c00pig @yourfriendlyneighbourhoodaries @southernfreakinggothic @demigod-jack-hearth @beauty-queen-official @molovesbooks @billybatsonmylove @irish-agender-moss @munchkinmarauder @dougielombax @one-of-batmans-orphans @ace-looking-4-parkingspace @supersonicdp @ltwharfy

@ligaments-08 @spiritbox713 @drksanctuary @berf-a-smurf @bacon-bitch @demigoddumbass @cosmo-autistic-version @a-field-of-dragonflowers @sparkysaurus @that-lego-frog @ashes-of-a-giftedkid-burnout @svnvfhcrmcs @anomymous2 @ashetheshade

Now for some of the people I don’t follow/I follow but they don’t follow me back/any number of other possible explanations: @onewordaway @emperorcandy @tremendousdreamtragedy @riordanverseaddict @royaltystudios @conundrumrespeculis @the-fyre-flie @gelpenss @bobs-biscuits-emporium @somedamslytherindemigod2

ONE SCENE FROM EVERY EPISODE OF POKEMON